Disclosing Ptsd Diagnosis And Feeling Stuck In Therapy

[Aqua11]

This past weekend I finally told two people (close friends, both long distance), separately, about my PTSD and I feel worse for it, and I'm wondering what others have decided to do when it comes to disclosing their PTSD? It's not that their response was necessarily bad or non-supportive, but one of them responded by telling me she had undiagnosed PTSD, and the other told me about a traumatic experience she had. I know these are just things people say to relate, but it really f*cking bothered the sh*t of me.

The friend with self-diagnosed PTSD seems to think she knows what I'm going through and it feels invalidating in a way. I don't discount her experiences in any way, but I don't know how to make her understand my symptoms are not hers. The other friend also didn't seem to get it. For example, after I had described what I have been going through, she asked: "so, what have been doing during the weekends this summer?" Ummmm hello I just told you I have been completely and utterly debilitated by acute onset PTSD symtoms and haven't felt like I could do sh*t all summer. Anyway, sorry for the rant... I realize now I should probably keep my PTSD to myself, because for some reason no matter how anyone seems to respond it's not the right response. How do others react to self-disclosing their PTSD? Do you feel better, worse, or is it just situation-dependent? How have you learned to accept the responses you've received?

On top of that, I am feeling incredibly stuck in this whole therapy thing and I don't really know where we're going. We spent basically all summer working on stabilizing my symptoms. We did finally try a few sessions of EMDR, but since I got a panic attack and dissociated during two of the three sessions, she said we were no longer going to do EMDR. She then asked whether I would be willing to do the PTSD workbook with her to which I agreed. So, in preparation for my last session, she asked me to review Chapter 1, which I did. However, when I got there, she never brought it up, and neither did I (Yes - I know I will need to ask her about this next time, but that's three long weeks from now because she's out of town). When we discussed the dissociation I told her I didn't think it was necessarily due to the EMDR, which seems to substantiated by the fact that I have gotten panic attacks during just talk therapy with her. So I guess I am confused why she has eliminated EMDR before it even seems we gave it a real shot.

I am also just generally frustrated at myself, because I can never seem to get out what I need to during therapy and then end up regretting what *feels* like time/money wasted (I don't actually believe anything is ever a "waste," even if the purpose is not apparent at the time). I really like my therapist, she is extremely competent and we are a good fit, though we're definitely still building our relationship and trust is not there yet. I guess I just feel alone, frustrated, and tired, very very tired. Has anyone else been told by their therapist they will not be able to do EMDR? Any advice on what I can say to her next time I see her to broach this subject?

I would really appreciate anyone's thoughts and/or support. Thank you!

 

[anthony]

I know these are just things people say to relate, but it really f*cking bothered the sh*t of me.

Yup... unless you truly do have PTSD, others issues can seem rather innate compared to what you're enduring.

The one thing I remember though, is something that I learnt having to relate my operational experience to civilian society, in that what people live in is their normal. If you visited a camp in Ethiopia for example, and talked with those people and see how they just get on with what they have... you would suddenly view your own traumatic experiences as a drop in the bucket, yet funnily enough, you may then view their circumstances as traumatic, thus could then be traumatised from visiting a place like that which is much worse than anything you've ever seen or lived in.

That one is like a mirror image of invalidation, where a person enduring trauma from their experiences, suddenly realises their trauma is minimal compared to others. So where does this end?

The moral of the story is... you can't compare trauma so readily, because if the persons society and structure of life consists of something, then they define it quite normally unless they have something else to compare it against.

but I don't know how to make her understand my symptoms are not hers.

That can be quite a challenge with someone who has self diagnosed. The latter there typically means that person is also a little bit of a hypochondriac, so whats valid in the scheme of actual mental health to them, is questionable!!!

You shared with two people in your life, and you have experience of that now. There really is a good reason why this forum is here, because from my own experience I found that the only people who truly got it, where those who had PTSD and specifically who endured similar trauma to myself. I can relate to other trauma, but I relate best to those with military trauma.

The responses from your friends are pretty normal. Sharing similar things, and then wanting to change subjects... normal. People who aren't highly traumatised don't want to be sitting around chatting trauma, or chatting about your problems specifically. This is why many relationships fall apart... because there is a disconnect of what goes on in each others lives, and the relationship as it was, to is now.

So I guess I am confused why she has eliminated EMDR before it even seems we gave it a real shot.

Two fold issue... she thinks she is protecting you, thus performing her duty of care. You also didn't fight to keep going and stick out the heightened symptoms. You really do have to accept that trauma therapy will heighten symptoms, and afterwards will be worse before it gets better. Think long-term, not short-term. A little pain now, good pain, being therapy... for long-term gain... symptom reduction and trauma no longer bothering you daily.

Don't be hard on yourself... this stuff takes time to work out and get yourself in the right mood to get through it. It's not uncommon for a person to take years, decades even, before they really toughen up mentally to endure the pain of real trauma therapy. People go to trauma therapy for a decade, say its done nothing for them, yet they also still have secrets from their therapist, haven't told them lots of important aspects of their trauma and such... and wonder why they're still there a decade later in the same place.

Everything you're doing is baby steps. You will learn things, go forward, you will make mistakes and go backwards. As long as you're going more forward than backwards, then all is well.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Do you feel better, worse, or is it just situation-dependent? How have you learned to accept the responses you've received?

I have dealt with this a lot recently. For close to a year I kept my PTSD as secret as I could. Slowly, I was able to tell more and more people. However, I do not tell most people about what my life is like with PTSD. They simply can't understand. Heck, I don't even understand what I am going through some (most?) of the time! How much I tell is definitely situation-dependent. I tell my closest friend almost everything because she has depression and she understands internal struggles. I tell my husband as much as I can. Other people it is strictly only as much as they need to know. I almost always have immediate remorse after I tell someone though.

I am also just generally frustrated at myself, because I can never seem to get out what I need to during therapy and then end up regretting what *feels* like time/money wasted (I don't actually believe anything is ever a "waste," even if the purpose is not apparent at the time).

Takes me forever to get some things out and I've been with my therapist for over a year. She's great. I just find it hard to talk. I journal almost every day and the first thing I do in therapy is turn my journal over to my therapist for her to read. I feel completely awkward when she is reading it, but she wouldn't have a clue what's going on with me otherwise. Be gentle with yourself, this is hard work!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I hate to break it to you, but it may take YEARS before you stabilize enough to the point where you are able to process. All these other people on the forum who tell you of processing right away? IGNORE THEM, as their therapists aren't doing them a damn bit of good by jumping immediately into processing. Yeah, I've been in a top US trauma hospital, and it was literally POUNDED into my head that I would need to stabilize before processing would be possible. It was a good two years before I could start processing. It is IMPERATIVE that you have a firm grasp on grounding techniques and self-soothing techniques and ways to control your emotions before you dive into the nitty-gritty of your trauma. (See the when EMDR goes wrong thread, and you'll know what I mean. Too many therapists throw their clients into shark infested waters without so much as a life vest.)

 

[Dana1010]

it was literally POUNDED into my head that I would need to stabilize before processing would be possible.

Wow. So my PTSD symptoms started around last Christmas. Is it too soon for me to process in your opinion? Do you think grounding and stabilizing is all you should work on until you get them down to a science? Or should you do, say 80 % grounding 20% processing and gradually up the processing level? I so want to jump in and get it over with :arghh;.

 

[joeylittle]

I agree that you need to stabilize; my sense of that is that you need to be able to manage yourself, when you're doing all the hundreds of hours in the week that are not spent in the office. You need to be in a place psychologically where, even if you are a PTSD mess, you have an awareness that you can consistently tap into - an awareness that tells you you have PTSD, you're experiencing symptoms, nothing more or less, and you're in the fight for the long haul.

I think that can happen in varying lengths of time, depending on the individual, their background, co-morbid diagnoses, etc.

 

[TonyG]

I have only spoken to people outside my family and friends, Not any details just that I had a past event and that I have flashbacks, The response has been mixed, some people tell you all there problems and say everyone has problems and that I just need to get on with my life and stop dwelling on the past, I had. Manager that I told and every time he asked to do a job he would add the comment (If your not to stressed) I have chosen to not put my self in a position to not be judged by others, If I have a day off sick it's just a day off work sick it's because I am sick. Not because I have PTSD
I feel that people treat you different once they know there is something wrong with you.

 

[Aqua11]

Thanks for everyone's responses and support. I really appreciate having such a great sounding board and am very glad I found this forum! :)

The responses from your friends are pretty normal. Sharing similar things, and then wanting to change subjects... normal. People who aren't highly traumatised don't want to be sitting around chatting trauma, or chatting about your problems specifically. This is why many relationships fall apart... because there is a disconnect of what goes on in each others lives, and the relationship as it was, to is now.

Just to clarify -- when my friend asked about what I had been up to over the summer, it was not during the same convo where I had told her about the PTSD. So, she did not change the subject, which I actually would have understood more, but instead it seemed as if everything I had told her earlier went in one ear and out the other... otherwise, why would she have asked this when I had basically all but told her that I felt as though I was barely treading water all summer.

I absolutely agree with your broader point about relationships and trauma and there being a disconnect.

It is IMPERATIVE that you have a firm grasp on grounding techniques and self-soothing techniques and ways to control your emotions before you dive into the nitty-gritty of your trauma.

Interesting. I do think it's possible my therapist jumped the gun a bit, which is concerning to me. She did spend several sessions showing me some grounding techniques, but I never really got the hang of it. I am not a visual person, I have difficulty being in the present/concentrating, I have not figured out deep breathing, I got extremely frustrated with EFT/tapping and never tried it again, etc etc. I know I could have and can do more to help myself ground, but sometimes it's just overwhelming and I'm too exhausted to do anything at all. Now I am getting kinda worried that my therapist may not have the experience I thought she did, otherwise why is she jumping into things when I am still stabilizing? Or maybe she thought I was stabilized? Guess there just needs to be more communication between the two of us, and I know I need to be more assertive than I have been... I just find this whole therapy thing so... what's the word... scary and unnatural.

 

[Aqua11]

Manager that I told and every time he asked to do a job he would add the comment (If your not to stressed)

Wow, I am sorry you had to deal with your boss' incredibly offensive (and reportable) comments.

I totally hear you - I think at least until I get a better handle on PTSD and my own feelings around it, I am going to be much more circumspect with who and how much I tell.

 

[TonyG]

He was a good manager overall but not many people know or understand what it is like to have PTSD,

 

[TonyG]

I have been trying the breathing slowing things down, It sounds good in the session but hard to put into action when your hearts racing and my emotions are on edge,

 

[Lucycat]

We did finally try a few sessions of EMDR, but since I got a panic attack and dissociated during two of the three sessions, she said we were no longer going to do EMDR.

Two fold issue... she thinks she is protecting you, thus performing her duty of care. You also didn't fight to keep going and stick out the heightened symptoms. You really do have to accept that trauma therapy will heighten symptoms, and afterwards will be worse before it gets better.

I disagree with Anthony here. If you are dissociating during an EMDR session then it is as if you are not there. Your mind certainly isn't. You are not achieving anything - she is processing the chair not you! I don't think it is a matter of sticking out the heightened symptoms, but more about finding ways to control the symptoms enough for you to 'stay in the room'. For me that meant doing EMDR far more slowly, and only addressing the memories for seconds at a time, until I had built up a tolerance. If your T does not have the techniques - and EMDR as I had it is not in the text books - then she is right to say it is unhelpful for you.

But that does not mean that you could not possibly try it again in the future.