Disconnecting with all family members or not?

[Rainsong]

Sorry, this got long, bare with me if you can.

My family is so f*cked up. I always new it was lot of issues going on, but the last years made more of it show up. So, three years ago, after heavy trauma therapy that lasted about a year, I finally got the strength to tell all my siblings and my parents that I will not have any contact with my two elder brothers who abused me and my little sister. Not going to family events if they are invited etc. I also told everyone that I am open to questions and talks about what happened, and that they should talk to professionals also, since this is a heavy topic to handle alone.

Same winter my mother invites everyone to her birthday party, and has continued to not make any effort to change things. Even though I told her I wanted no contact with my brothers, I still risked one of them popping by, without any warning when I came visiting. This on top of no support and no taking responsibility for my hellish childhood with physical and emotional abuse from my parents as well, and just denial about the abuse, made me cut ties with my parents also. This happened about two years ago, my mother went into shutdown mode whenever I tried to talk to her, and I asked her to go to therapy so it would be possible to get through it, and make a better relationship between us. She refused, so I didn't really see any other option than no contact, as the frustration over denial and no support throws me into a state of depression and suicidal thoughts every time. This has been going on for over ten years, and I just couldn't take any more.

I have one older sister who lives some distance away from here, and I have seen her once or twice a year. She got defensive when I explained my situation, about why she couldn't invite my brothers, clueless about what to do. "Should I lie to my kids and say they couldn't come?" Reluctant to make a choice, that kind of thing... I told her she either could just tell what really happened, or lie about ME not being able to come. Like I have a choice or not about attending, yeah if I want heavy depression and f*cked up health for six months, of course I could grit my teeth and come *sigh*. I told her that, but I'm not sure what will happen when an event actually is coming up.

It's like this, nobody in my family wants to really think about what happened, they all act like I never told them about it. Denial, denial, denial. My younger brothers as well, most of them invites my little sister and big brother to the same party without even shrugging and it makes me sick to my stomach. I get so utterly pissed off and hurt. It is NOT NORMAL to invite victim and rapist to same party, IS IT? Not in my head, it's so f*cked up I can't even grasp it.

I have had nearly no contact the last years with most of my family because of this. It feels like they are super afraid of me, avoiding me because they know I talk about it? And they want to keep the denial going. Probably why nobody has reached out to me or given any support.

I'm at the point were I'm thinking about just cutting ties for good. I don't see this situation changing in the future, since everybody is in denial, and even if they start therapy to fix their stuff, it will take so much time, and I'm way ahead being in therapy for the last 15 years.

It's just such a struggle being around this, it's a major trigger with their scared looks, their silence and everybody acting like everything is fine, and we are a big happy family. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs "STOP IT".

My mother is of the opinion that I chose to exclude myself from the family, not understanding I have no choice when she keeps not being considerate, keeps inviting everybody to the same events etc. And the gossip mouth she is, she probably has told everyone in my family this was my "choice" . It hurts like hell, It feels like I lost them all already.

The biggest issue is my little sister. I love her to death, but she is a major trigger for me, since I saw her being abused. She probably also has PTSD and is overreacting a lot, getting angry and struggling much. She only started therapy a couple of years ago, after telling me for years and years that she was "over it"and didn't need therapy. So she is also far behind me in therapy, and has a lot of things to work on. It's a struggle communicating with her, as she gets easily hurt and defensive about stuff, because she hasn't gotten to that point in therapy yet. I know it's not her fault, and that she doesn't do or say hurtful things on purpose, but still it's difficult for me.

She is at the point of trying to fix our family, she is in my opinion being my mothers therapist in some manner. And she is so hopeful that my mother will finally start therapy, and that my father will come to the point of talking about it. She makes excuses for them both, and can't see yet that they are grown ups and need to take responsibility for their own actions. She hasn't given up yet, and it's so painful to watch from my point of view. I've been here, trying to fix it for 15 years, while she has moved from place to place. Now I'm done, I have accepted that I can't do it anymore, I have given up trying to fix anything. I think that when they have done zero to deal in all these years, they will not start now. Too much denial there.

I'm struggling with this so much, it's ripping out my heart to thinking about letting her go, but I can't be in another round of this for ten more years either, watching her go through it.
I have asked her that we not talk about her process, and the family situation, my mother and father, but it comes up anyway. I think it's because we are the only ones that really understand what it feels like to be in this, and we have been close for years. It always ends in a fight or depression we both trigger each other, and I really need some calm in my life, to focus on my healing.

I'm not sure if it's worth all the pain, having contact with my sisters, and the rest of my non-understanding family or not. It's not only the abuse that is the issue, all of my siblings has major issues from our childhood, but they don't deal with it. It is a lot of passive aggressiveness, a lot of unhealthy patterns, a lot of pretending to be fine, and lot of talking about people instead of talking directly to them when there's an issue.

I don't know how this will be fixed, when me and my little sister is the only ones working on it? I wish she would just wake up and break the unhealthy ties I see is hurting her too, but she is not there yet, and probably won't be in a long time.... and I can't be in it, but get sucked in spending time with her, since she is still in the family.

What to do, how to deal?

Thoughts?


Oh, and sorry about misspellings and bad grammar, my concentration is a bit off

 

[anthony]

It's like this, nobody in my family wants to really think about what happened, they all act like I never told them about it.

Unfortunately, family dynamics are complicated. Usually, you as the abused, end up on the out and your only choice is to abandon the ignorance that stems within families. Families try and reconcile that things siblings do is minor, or just let it go, and such. It sucks... it really does.

What you do is a choice only you can make.

My wife's step father abused her and her sister when younger. He apparently just got caught doing it again, all these decades later. The family was told of the abuse to both girls, yet ignored it. One sister tried to ignore it... and its now all back in focus with this latest incident against another person outside the family. Denial... in essence. Family want to think that their family member would not do such a thing. They convince themselves of such.

Just look at Ralph Harris, Bill Cosby, and other celebs where there are dozens of verified victims that come forward. They still have family members hanging off them walking into courts, totally disbelieving they could do such a thing.

Usually, if you want peace of mind, you have to remove yourself from the toxicity, as toxicity does not normally remove itself from you, when family is involved.

 

[Rainsong]

Thank you, it helps hearing this from another person. I still gets thoughts about me being wrong, me making trouble, and that I am the problem, even tough I know rationally that it's not true, I still get doubts. "What if I am the crazy one" plays in my head.

I'm dreading it, making the decision. What if? What if it gets fixed and I'm not there? What if it could be better? You know?

What if I lose my little sister forever, and she won't come back when she is further in therapy? What do I say to her?

This is the hardest thing

 

[Bristol]

So much of what you wrote is the same in my family, years of pretending none of it happened to the point i feel like they dont even remeber. Mum burnt all photos from my childhood that involved one of my ab*sers and never said a word about it. In order to keep the relationship i had to just accept it, im trying to accept that their denial doesnt mean it didn't happen but im not there yet. You just have to decide whats more important to you and how much you can cope with. Im not ready to give up my family and im not sure they did it to be inherently bad they are just not equiped to deal with it. I hope you can find your way through it all.

Here if i can help.

 

[Iamsensative]

I can say this is just how it is in totally dysfunctional families. I am the youngest of 4. We were brought up in a totally sick environment. I feel like i am the only one who was damaged. I bent over backwards, after sending my mother's husband to jail for sexually assaulting my son. Trying to save my relationship with my Mom. I was in the tight grips of i am going to lose my family. My mother stayed with him and i finally after having a breakdown, i broke ties with her. My siblings all thought he is good for her and i should forgive. The craziness of it all, i have since broken ties with my brothers, i have a relationship with ny sister only because we live in a multi-family home. But i have bought her out and she will be moving away soon, across country. I still have times where i think i am the crazy one, but my sanity, feeling safe in my own home and not putting myself through the drama is the most important thing i can do for myself. So distance yourself if you can, you can aleays change your mind. My mother has not contacted me in over 3 yrs and i am realize that its a relief. I always knew she would choose a man over her children even as a child. Wishing you the best, hang in and do what you need to do for yourself.

 

[Rainsong]

So much of what you wrote is the same in my family, years of pretending none of it happened to the poin...

I know it's complicated, and you have to take it one step at a time. Acceptance takes time. I have been working on that for years, but I think maybe I'm getting to that point now....I don't know if anyone ever gets ready to give up family. For me it's a matter of not being able to cope with it anymore, and I don't see any other options. My body actually physically feel like vomiting thinking about keeping my mouth shut about it for one more day. And that is what the price of being in my family is.

I understand that my sister is not there yet, as you are, with acceptance. I don't know if I have it in me to be involved while I wait for her tough....that is hard

I know they don't do this on purpose, I know it's their defense system kicking in, and protecting them from the truth that hurts too much. But I can't cope. I really can't, cause the only way to cope is to grit my teeth and pretend with them. It takes all my strength to keep my emotions at a distance while I do that, and afterwards I crash. Anxiety and depression comes. I can't live that way anymore.

I need a lot of strength to take the leap I think

Thank you

 

[Ivi]

I feel you. I'm in a similar position with my family. I realise the importance of family, I was raised in a Jewish family so our core family was always on the top of our priorities. Even after I told my mother her husband abused me we stayed as a family all in the same house.
But there comes a time after abuse where you have to start thinking of you. This situation is not helping you or your recovery and you must put those at the top of your list. If your family try to drag you back and you feel that it won't help you just say no. It's hard with family but there has to be some line between you and your family now. If your sister brings up your family just remind her "I'm still not comfortable talking about this. Can we talk about something else?"
Family is hard but you need space to put what you need or want to do in the frame.

 

[Rainsong]

I can say this is just how it is in totally dysfunctional families. I am the youngest of 4. We wer...

Thank you, this gives me hope that I will be okay in the future. And that I'm not the only one with thoughts about me being the "problem". I know a lot of my siblings struggle, but they can't admit it... I feel so alone in my family. Good for you, that you came through and was able to distance yourself, I hope I can make it too

 

[Rainsong]

I feel you. I'm in a similar position with my family. I realise the importance of family, I was raised in a...

I know how you feel. I was raised in a Christian cult, so family was the only thing I had growing up. We were raised to believe the world and society outside the congregation was evil, and family was most important, so I understand. It's so hard to let go of that belief, when we grew up like this, with really tight family ties.

Thanks for the advice on telling my sister to not talk about it. It's just so hard, cause I get sucked into it cause we both struggle, and I have this protection thing with her. So I get into it when she starts talking about it, cause in my mind I don't want her to feel all alone with it, as I have done for years. And she Is stuck, like the rest of my family, in thinking of me as the invisible one, so my boundaries is being overstepped. And I am not good at putting restrictions on what people talk about, my boundaries gets weakened around family too....

It makes me sad, leaving her alone to struggle with this, because I know too well how it feels. I think that is what is holding me back the most.

 

[Scarlet13]

So I can relate. I have a very narcissistic family with plenty of abuse swept under the rug. I was the scapegoat and got more abuse than the other siblings (sister and step siblings). Just recently they were all group texting about how we should all get together for a party. I am low contact with my mom who does not respect that I am no contact with my stepfather. All of my other siblings have invalidated me regarding this like I just need to get over what happened and that I am being selfish ect. I just tell myself that even though I may have more psychological symptoms, I am actually the more healthy one because I am actually looking at and seeing the problems and the abuse. I am the more healthy mom because I am not in denial. Denial is really the issue that perpetuates abuse. If someone does not look at it, see it as wrong and deal with it, then there is a risk of abuse of some kind being repeated.
So congratulations on your insight, clarity, strength and on your capacity to handle pain. The next time you deal with your family and you experience thoughts of self harm, just tell yourself, "I have the strength and the courage to sit with this pain and not push it down."
I do not think you need to go no contact with your sister. You can choose low contact with boundaries, but this is a very individual decision. When I experience thoughts of self harm or suicide from my crazy family, I rely on DBT skills.

 

[Rainsong]

I feel you. I'm in a similar position with my family. I realise the importance of family, I was raised in a...

And yeah, by the way: I have told her to not talk about issues about family, but she does it anyway. I have tried for the last year to set boundaries. It was and episode with my mother a month ago, showing up at her place while I was there visiting. That set her off talking and I spiralleid into a major depression afterwards. I recently told her I need distance from family now, to not get sick again, and that I'm not going to her kids birthday that's coming up. She first tried to guilt trip me, and then got pissed off, after I honest and open told her why I wasn't able to come. So I really don't know if staying in touch and setting bouandaries is going to be enough...

 

[Rainsong]

So I can relate. I have a very narcissistic family with plenty of abuse swept under the rug. I...

Thank you for your empowering words. I know this, but still I fall into the "it's me that's wrong" thinking. Cause that's what they are telling me. I'm not worth going through the pain of dealing with it.

That is my experience as well... they are also telling me to forgive and forget. Wish it was that easy. I had my mother and father calling family meeting with me and my brothers. What was expected of me was to hear them ask for forgiveness, At that time I was in a place were I accepted the apologies. Then it was swept under the rug again. Never spoken of again, same old. That is over ten years ago. Still nothing when I told them three years ago. They are all thinking this can and should be solved within the family, and I'm thinking hell no. This is too big to be solved that way, and the issues will block any change anyway.

Also see my last post about boundaries. So hard