Discouraged....overworking = Self Medication?

[Pinkcake]

I'm so discouraged. Just when I think I'm getting steps ahead of my PTSD, I fall back and it is discouraging.

I am on hold with my therapist because my insurance company decided that I'm HEALED! I can't afford the sessions without my insurance.

To the meat of the matter. I have just taken my third job and I don't even know why. I don't WANT to do it but I need something to fill the time. I work my full time job from 8 to 5 every day, work a contracted job through them a few times a month for a total of about 40 hours and now I took a work at home job that I do at night after my son goes to bed.

Am I doing this to avoid dealing? To keep distracted? I find myself thinking about my life and how unhappy I am with decisions I've made in the past. Almost obsessing about it.

I feel terribly confused these days. My nightmares are back. My emotions are out of control now and I am blowing through money that I don't have to spend, just trying to feel better. I've never been like this. I just don't know how to fix things right now...and like I said, I'm discouraged.

 

[Sailorgal]

It's horrible that insurance companies make policies that are not reflective of the injury/illness. If it's a group plan through your company, talk to your plan's administrator about it. Never hurts to ask.

Wow, 3 jobs...you manage quite well! Don't be so hard on yourself. PTSD is not like a typical illness as you know. You can go years without any serious setbacks or trigger. Just takes one event.

Have you really analyzed on what might've caused you down that path? Maybe just all the additional stress and emotions from the holidays? You work 3 jobs...you are obviously overworked. You may have been able to get by for a long time but you have a son and most of all, you have yourself who needs you too. Gee, even I need a cup of coffee now. :)

 

[Pinkcake]

Yes....three jobs....I'm not sure why I'm doing this but I've committed at least through the end of the year so I have to do it for another couple weeks at a minimum.

I KNOW the holidays triggered me. My PTSD was diagnosed after watching my father suddenly die (on a holiday), but I think that I have some underlying issues that need to be addressed with therapy. That's what we were getting to.

I HATE my insurance. I have an individual policy but my insurance broker is working on things. It's not looking good. I'm so frustrated with them. It's a battle for them to pay anything even though I pay THEM $400 a month.

 

[TLight]

3 jobs ? I'd be in the hospital.

 

[Shellbell]

Pincake, I think you are doing amazingly well to be able to work, let alone do three jobs, although I do understand they are a distraction for you. Is the stress of working all these hours creating more problems for your PTSD related problems (nightmares, anxiety,stress), than the distraction is helping you? Finding a balance might be better for you.

I'm sorry your insurance company are messing you around. It's very invalidating when these people make decisions and assumptions they know very little about as to where you are in your PTSD healing journey. Unfortunately, insurance companies probably look at your ability to work and see that as a sign that you are okay and don't need further treatment, which of course is untrue, but they get out of paying up anyway they can.

I really hope the insurance stuff is sorted out and your therapy can resume. Hugs if you need one :hug:

 

[Sailorgal]

As we say in Spanish, aye carumba!

Well at least you have the broker to vent to! Oh gosh, private insurance....sigh....best of luck!!!!

Sorry to hear about your father. I hope you can carve out a little time for your heart to heal and make this holiday a reason to celebrate your memories of him. :)

 

[Pinkcake]

Is the stress of working all these hours creating more problems for your PTSD related problems (nightmares, anxiety,stress), than the distraction is helping you? Finding a balance might be better for you.

I totally agree. It WOULD be better for me, but I don't know how. I'm very anxious these days. like if I don't have something pre-occupying my mind, I am fidgety and want to get up and DO something. I hope its just a phase and things will mellow out again.