Childhood Discussing The Details Of Sexual Abuse

[katz]

I was also molested by many. Some alone, some group. I have only been able to remember bits & pieces of each. I have always thought of my messy past as a room that has the floor covered with papers/memories. I tell myself to pick up the papers, sheet by sheet, then read them. Then I can just file them in the cabinet in the corner. Never to be looked at again, unless I choose to. I only need to pick up enough papers from each bad memory to satisfy myself. By thinking this way, it gives me time to process each paper before I file it away. I can also work at my own speed. I have a rape that took place when I was very young, behind the elementary school. Of all my "demons", this one seemed the ... "lightest" (if there is such a thing!) It was the first one that I began with. I began picking up papers/memories, both visual, by going there, and reading some old journals. When I had satisfied myself that I had grieved and "felt" enough, I was able to step beyond it. Not to forget it, but to go on and let it become part of the past. I filed it where I needed it to go, while not stopping myself from acknowledging it. This gave me time to feel the pain (sobbing), and to... comfort the "inner child". It showed "her"/me that I know how much she hurts.
Even if the pain is not near the surface, I often have to go look for it. I buried an awful lot! But, while I have cleaned up my "floor", I have grown strong enough to start facing some more of my "demons". And trust me, it feels like sh*t when you find one, but it also feels wonderful when you know that you have moved all the "papers" that you need to, to the drawer of "the past".
The pictures and feelings still come up once in a while, but I can handle them now. I just notice it, then I let it go, and know that it is in the past.

 

[Ivan the Elder]

I am still working hard on dealing with a very lot. Before early this year and in all the years I was together with my former wife I managed to very successfully repress much of my childhood abuse. It was very well buried and for all 45 years we were together it never really came up enough to cause obvious problems. About ten to 15 years ago things began to go downhill, slowly but surely. One of the primary problems was that my wife pretty much lost interest in sex during and after menopause and I did not. I also had several medical problems including Hep C and Fibromyalgia. The Hep had no symptoms except most probably the Fibro and my ex wife never did catch it. I got the hep in 1969 from the US Army thanks to an injection of a human blood product, immunoglobulin.

Looking back now the very big mismatch in our interest in sex and lack of such close personal contact very much weakened and then finally was a big part of the destruction of our marriage. It was much worse than it is for most people our age. I just had my testosterone measured for the first time just a few weeks ago and I am one of the very few men at the age of 66 that has the same testosterone level as a 20 year old. No wonder there was such a big mismatch.

Then when my Hep C was discovered five years ago she was afraid to even kiss me. That was the complete end of personal contact other that nothing much better than shaking hands.

In March of this year I was sent to a psych ward and events took place that included people there breaking laws, breaking personal privacy and even doing things that threatened my life at least three times. They weren't trying to kill me but that doesn't matter. Dead because of incompetence is still dead.

That blew open PTSD to full power. It is based directly on events at the psych ward and some from in the army but it has also released a very lot to do with my child abuse. My father began abusing me, as far as I can remember, when I was about two and that involved breaking my shoulders because I had messed my diaper. He threw me across a crib. That I have always remembered well but there is far more that has now been released that I did not remember, certainly not fully. I sure do now and it isn't nice at all.

My father's mother sexually abused me because she liked to stick things up my ass. She was a nurse but what she did when I was frequently in her care went far beyond anything a nurse would do. There are still things lurking in my head that I am not certain about. My other grandmother also looked after me a lot as both lived just a few blocks apart and my mother worked. She would tie me into my crib with soft wound up scarves or similar with both wrists and ankles tied, each to one of the crib posts. I could barely move.

I have recently realized that she basically taught me to pee my bed because she would often leave me tied long enough that it was my only choice when I was two to maybe four years old. I didn't finally stop peeing my bed until I was about seven or eight even sleeping by myself in a regular bed. There is still more but I don't know what it is. What I do know is that even at the age of four I remember that I used to like tying ropes around my lower waist. In particular I recall I found it to be sexually stimulating even at that age. I have no idea what has caused that and I don't really want to know but I am guessing it will come out of hiding some day.

I also began masturbating long before puberty began and I don't know what was responsible for that but it obviously must have been some form of sexual abuse. There is still very likely a lot to find and I really don't want to find it. I don't know what to do about this or if trying to figure it out is worth doing or not.

I don't know if leaving it in hiding is good or not. There is the possibility if I do try to find what is hiding I may create false memories. That is extremely common. It take a therapist to help with the process and it must be done in an extremely careful manner to prevent the creation of false memories. It is a conundrum and I know it isn't good but I don't know what to do. What has come to light already is no fun at all. Some of it has managed to put me into very deep temporary depression. I am amazed that I do not feel like killing myself sometimes.

 

[katz]

(I) I'm so sorry Evan that this happened to you. () I know that it is hard to get thru the memories and the pictures-especially knowing that there may be more. I have been trying to "get thru" all of my memories for many years now. I get the pictures and feelings and can't get them to go away. I don't dissociate much anymore. I've never been able to figure out why--not that I'm complaining. I just stopped. The day that the doctor officially diagnosed me - in front of my parents. That was over 4 years ago. I hope that I never do it again.
You have to keep remembering that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know if this would help you...why don't you write a letter to some of these people? You can say anything you want. I've done that when a friend, now ex, hurt me. (I never mailed it to her-I wrote it just for my own sake) I know that it won't make the thoughts/pictures go away completely, but it really helped me to express my feelings. I also often draw pictures of my memories and dreams. Then I know that I don't need to keep them in my head. I can just forget them. I know that their in my journal-if I ever doubt myself (which I do very, very often). I used crayons so that my "child" could feel the emotions if she wanted to cry them out as "she" drew. Even scribbling on the paper - in black - produced a lot of tears.
Always remember this : You are a survivor! You can get thru this!

One very important thing that I want to tell you is that when you write/draw, you may find yourself repeating a story over and over. I want you to know that it is okay to do this. I have some of the same story wrote many, many times in my journal. I was very embaressed that I had done it over and over. Then, a councilor told me that this is completely normal. This is just you processing the memories. So, don't get angry with yourself.
When I look back over many years of my writings and drawings, it helps me to sort out all the terrible things that happened. It also reminds me that I survived it all.
One last thing I will share with you. (sorry that I wrote so much) When I read back in my journal, I have been amazed at how many different handwritings there are. I clearly have been seeing things from different ages as I wrote about my childhood. And it really helps me to feel better about myself knowing that I'm going to be okay. I believe you can too.
My best wishes to you--

 

[Ivan the Elder]

Thank you very much katz. I do much of what you describe already. I keep a very detailed journal and have kept some form of journal for many years. As time goes on I have been keeping more and more detailed to the point that writing in it sometimes takes hours of a day. I am a natural writer anyway and my estimation is that I have written something like 20 to 30 thousand pages in the last 15 years. The majority of it is educational and is published on a forum for machinists. It also includes thousands of photos.

Since the PTSD hit so hard I have been doing much of what you describe. I do find myself constantly repeating things along many different themes. That often gets to the point where I basically get sick and tired of hearing myself going over it time and again. So I stop. I guess that is a form of self treatment because it finally becomes something that no longer occupies my thoughts much if at all.

I have also written many letters that are never sent. They remain in storage. Infrequently I review them but not very often and not many times for most of them. They are also in my "journal". My Journal is a very expanded version of that concept because I keep most of it on a computer (with multiple backups in multiple ways). I sometime write in different languages since I can write reasonably well in about four languages. This helps me feel more secure, especially when I mix the languages together which pretty well makes it a private language that nobody else can read. My journal holds writing, images of many kinds as I am an artist as well as photographer and it also contains audio and video. Through my life including my day jobs anything to do with computers and computer graphics has always been my primary line of work. I have work that was published as far back as 1979 in the area of computers.

I did have an excellent therapist provided by the government medical system but she is leaving this town in a week. I then am without a therapist until they are able to find a replacement, hopefully somebody I can work with.

What is now being revealed to myself by myself is almost too much to bear at times. I am taking a couple of drugs but drugs and I do not get along well. I much prefer to be on no drugs. I am about as far from being the addictive type as is possible. Even with extremely addictive drugs I must force myself to take them when required. I have started a benzo drug, Oxazepam, but it has now caused me to miss church twice in the last month because I slept in to long. I am not happy about that at all. Worse, I will be going on Hep C treatment in a few weeks and that is most likely going to keep me out of church for as long as three months because of the side effects. I am very unhappy about that.

Still, I have had some good days in the middle of this incredibly bad mess. I decided to restart my nightly oxygen use three days ago even though my oxy levels are slightly low but good enough. In two days my mood has improved dramatically so whatever the reason, extreme low level oxy intake is the right thing for me to do. I use just under 1 litre per minute while sleeping which maxes my SpO2, something the doctors say will do nothing. They are very wrong in my case. I have an extremely rare form of central apnea so the doctors simply do not understand it.

There is much more I could say but this is more than enough for now.

Thank you again for just being here and for you own explanations and advice. It is good to know that others are going through the same things and dealing with this in a similar way. That alone is helpful.

 

[katz]

I was molested by my father when I was very young (5ish?). From my memory, it was a couple of times. I...

I have never gave the details of any of my attacks. (From my family or the strangers.) However, I have found that by witing it down, it made me feel better. It "got it out me". I had a T once tell me that I will write these details down many, many times. I asked her why. She said that it is a way for your emotions and feelings to cope and process them. Almost like a de-sensitizing. I know that I go back in my notes and reread them. I am always amazed how much I "forgot" after I wrote it!

If you need to go thru the "yucky" details. You don't have to tell them to anyone. Just write them down for your self. See if that helps you. And don't worry if you need to do it multiple times. You can do it as often as you need to. So, don't be embaressed.

Just do what you're comfortable with.

 

[Chimera]

I used to say "nothing in, nothing out" to describe my state of being.
Now, for me, I realize it's nothing out, nothing in.
As in, if I cannot address my past, the pain and suffering, I will forever be numb..

I don't want to be numb anymore, even if I have to dig up those hastily buried traumas and give them a proper burial...I'm willing to go there...tired of feeling no joy, nor pain.

 

[watundah]

@katz thanks for this. Not a bad idea as a lot of my traumas are so difficult to verbalize. I am much more a writer than a talker and have been amazed last few months and even in the last week while trying to come to grips with sleep-disrupting anxiety what the writing reveals. Seems there is quite a bit of repression and Im not sure what to do about that except to digest it a bite at a time. Writing more may bring up more but getting it out seems the road to peace.

 

[katz]

@katz thanks for this. Not a bad idea as a lot of my traumas are so difficult to ver...

One of the more amazing things that I have learned about myself is that a lot of my memories are from when I was too young to speak, or find the words to describe the feelings.
I had a time when a T asked me about a specific situation and asked me what it felt like to me. I remember having to actually stop and think about it--like the child remembering, and she had to process what the feeling was, and then wait for the "adult me" to find the words to describe it!

I found this an amazing experience! It gave me a very different view of how the two "me's" were linked together . Like the grown up taking care of the child inside, and being there to help "her" along if she needed assistance. (Looking after her.)

 

[DreamLover]

I think it has the potential to be extremely retraumatizing. I think it's voyeuristic for therapist to want to know "the details." That makes my skin crawl.

 

[Stickler]

I think it has the potential to be extremely retraumatizing. I think it's voyeuristic for therapist to want to know "the details." That makes my skin crawl.

I think it would depend on the therapist.
If I felt a pervy vibe from my therapist in asking for details, I'd be out the door!
My current Tdoc's kinda horrified by things, she doesn't want to know, poor thing.
If I tell her details she's gonna have to decompress...and I'm finding I don't need to talk details?
I write about them elsewhere when they come up.

( I chewed her out for not going on vacation, too. Damn workaholic Tdoc :p )

Tdocs can be bad. Trust is earned. Consider it a semi-safe environment to learn to stand up for yourself? Because a lot of us were in situations where violence ensued if we DID stand up for ourselves.
A GOOD therapist can handle being respectfully, assertively confronted and work through it with you.
A bad one won't. A bad one can do more harm than good.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

@watundah, is your therapist a man or a woman ? If it is a man, then this is of course a bit ... touchy.

It is tricky, of course. But what you describe is just that what trauma is: speechless terror. If you manage to say it aloud what happened, then you put a label on that what really happened. Otherwise it remains an internal feeling.

EMDR might work for you as you go back into the situation and just describe your Feelings with it and then the session starts.

 

[watundah]

My T is a female and has cautioned me about digging too deeply. She isn't a 'perv', rather she invited me to share on my terms. My question was about whether it was necessary for healing. We've moved on and I've not delved into it but I can see where just getting it out there could be cleansing, in a way.