Childhood Discussing The Details Of Sexual Abuse

[watundah]

I was molested by my father when I was very young (5ish?). From my memory, it was a couple of times. I completely forgot about it until I was in my 40s. I was also molested by another man when I was 12, and then date raped when I was in my 20s.

I have shared this general info with my spouse and with my therapist. However, when my therapist asked me the details of what my father did, I froze up. The date rape was kind of mentioned in passing in a pile of other things, as was the incident when I was 12.

The therapist and I have left all of that where it was and never went back to it. We spend a lot of my time working on body work and learning tools for staying present, which makes sense to me given my past. Note there are a plethora of other traumas from growing up with alcoholic parents.

Also, part of me feels like I *should* talk about the date rape, even though it was 30 years ago and I understand that it wasn't my fault, etc. I don't know why. Maybe it's because we never did talk about it, it was only mentioned in a list of things that happened to me along the way.

So my question is, is it possible to heal completely without delving into all of the nitty gritty of what happened? I have a hard time simply talking when I go in therapy. To talk about inappropriate touching and abuse details, well, I am not sure I could do that. My father is deceased, so it's not as though it would change our relationship. I appreciate your opinions.

 

[The Albatross]

It really isn't about your relationship with your father, since he's passed... it's about your relationship with yourself.

 

[watundah]

Well, I agree about that, that was meant as an example.
I am still wondering about a discussion of details. Isn't it enough to acknowledge and state that it happened?

 

[illusionist]

I never did go into detail of the events but I did talk about how I felt...I think this is the important part, at least for me anyway.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I think that's right @illusionist & also to determine (bounce off another what thoughts they would think about, eg blame or what conclusions to draw.

I think @intothelight said it's not necessary to talk about it all. I think it's too much (for me) .

 

[watundah]

Thanks. It does seem as though for some it could be retraumatizing. Im happy to leave it where it is, I was concerned that I don't want to do myself a disservice if Im slowing down recovery by keeping it to myself. I have read other threads where some folks had very insistent therapists and am not sure what the good is there to be forced into a confessional of sorts.

 

[RussH]

I am not sure. On the one hand talking about it gets it out in the open so you can deal with it, but on the other hand it can just make you relive the trauma over again and again.

Each person reacts differently, and I think you need to choose what is best for you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes I know for one I really don't want to re-hash that past stuff. But where it infringes on the present Idk, because I never know if what conclusions I drew, my perspective were right. I guess I just can't make sense of it. :( But I frequently can't make sense of others' behaviour to be honest.

 

[Friday]

So my question is, is it possible to heal completely without delving into all of the nitty gritty of what happened?

I don't know.

I do know that the things I don't care about? I can talk about till the cows come home. Anyone, any time, any level of detail. To no effect whatsoever. They don't own me.

The things I do care about? Wire my jaw shut. Send me into shaking and sweating even just thinking about them, and worse. f*ck me sideways for days, if not months and years. They've still got their fangs in me. Sure would be nice if knowing the first made the second easier. Doesn't. Least wise, not yet.

There's more than a little truth in the idea of tackling the hardest things first. Not that I'm not grateful to have some sorted, but the hard stuff? It's got legs. 15 years, 40 years, doesn't seem to make a lick of difference, does it? Still needs sorting.

 

[Weemie]

i've compartmentalized a lot of stuff into "stuff that bothers me" and "stuff that just happened" and "inhuman shit." the first two i can discuss reasonably well, and i've learned how to sort it into a system of context for my life, i'm learning to shape it into a motivator for positive actions and compassion. the last, has blurry edges and i can't even think of it because i just slip away.

even talking about some of the "stuff that bothers me" can cause me to spiral, if i'm worried about how other people will receive it. writing in my trauma diary has that effect on me. get it out of me and wait 60 mins and f*cking shred my face apart. i dunno, i went a long time telling no one, most people in my real life don't know anything. some know i have ptsd, some can probably guess i was raped or abused.

and i've managed to gather myself down without people really knowing anything, i've managed to start building my future and i've managed to start healing. but, there are all these things in my head that don't have proper edges. if i can't get them out and start to shape them, i can't touch them, and they're like water through my fingers. that's not healing, it's disappearing.

 

[Rumors]

My theory, and it could be wrong, is that if it is still shrouded by shame and guilt then I need to do more work on it. I think everyone is different in that it may take divulging more details for some to process things. I say you talk with your therapist about the things that still have its grip on your soul and work through them as courageously as you have to this point. If it leads you to details then I think that is ok. If you can't find relief then perhaps you should think about details.
For me, some of my shame is tied to the specific act or deed that happened. It isn't just a universal shame of being a bad person, a "whore", a child abuse survivor, or a crappy kid, it was more specific in that I believed that a specific act that occurred made me all of those things. I am sure it is true for most people here who suffered abuse versus someone who almost died in a car accident who suffers and ties their ptsd back to a car and not giving your uncle a blow job in the back seat of his car... Please dont take that as "my ptsd is worse than yours" but just a statement that someone who almost died in an accident may not tie shame, fear, guilt back to the incident but only fear.
It is just very hard to say what will work. I think the important thing is not giving up. If divulging details heals you then I know you would do it in a heartbeat so you could feel better. I am thinking the answers come to you as you move forward and you will know what is right for you. It's just complicated!!!
I hope this didn't confuse you! Good luck!

 

[Ronin]

I think this boils down to even more basics, 'is it possible to heal completely'.

And I don't know about that, with myself, with anyone. Heal enough so one can carry on with less issues & improved sense of well being is worth trying for.

I couldn't talk details about a lot of less troublesome stuff even if asked, or not in one whole certainly. Not emotionally, anyway. Either I'm processing and grounded in which the details already form a whole, or I'm not and dwelling on them wouldn't help me move into any direction.

I dunno. Getting it out is certainly important, but some things aren't reachable by words, or meant to be reached by them, I don't think.