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ED Disordered eating

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As much as I am able to, I have found it helpful to consciously let go of the day at the end of the day. Therefore, the next day I get up and start again.
Thanks for this, I am writing a new sleep and eating routine, and this will be part of it. That is so useful for me.

This way I find I don't feel as pressured to "stay on track" and "not make mistakes" (because I'm not counting the good days and the bad days).
That is great. I did that in 2013, and I ended up skeletal, so I can't go there again. I have to be so careful either way.

Mistakes and slip ups happen, it's a matter of not giving in when they do and just continuing to stay the course as best as possible.
Self Compassion Breaks are the way to go, for me, they are a practise that after years of practising really helps and works with/for me when I remember to do them.

It is rough stuff.
Hellish so for me. I did not realise how much I was still numbing with food.
 
... monitoring can be another form of disordered eating. You are both spot on @brokenEMT and @Muttly. It is such a fine line.
I really, really, really have to be careful about this, turning the monitoring into another form of self annilhation.

So curtailing my binge eating is my goal, and I am not worried about my comfort eating.

If I can manage the binge eating better, then hopefully as I keep practising new skills I will eventually, say in 3-5 years, decrease the comfort eating.

3-5 years is a reasonable time frame and an actually manageable timeframe for me. But if it doesn't happen I am not going to beat myself up about it, as really I tried beating the living crap out of myself for decades and it only ever made me so much worse.

I let myself have a scone, jam and cream, and a cup of tea at a place that really does it well. I had delayed having this for three days, so I am managing not always to give into the cravings which is a huge amount of progress for me. I ordered it at another cafe, and it was so bad I took one bite and that was it. If I am going to comfort myself or treat myself with food. It has to be the best type of food of that kind that I find. I won't just eat to eat it, if it is crappy. I will eat it to mindfully enjoy it, so I get the experience of it. So I don't trigger off those deep feelings of being so profoundly deprived. Because then life goes to hell in a handbasket and it can take weeks, days or even years to come back, I don't have the time not to take care of myself properly anymore.
 
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Totally. Be super gentle. I know food issues are incredibly persistent and frustrating, because it is such a basic need and if there is dysregulation happening there it makes it that much more difficult to regulate at all.
You are putting in the hard work to find what a healthy relationship with food and your feelings means for you. It totally will come.
Personally I've learned there are normally specific feelings that lead to me wanting to engage more in food sh*t, and it's mostly because I do not want to feel those particular ones. If I can recognize there are feelings to feel and they will continue to be there until they are felt, and the reason I didn't/don't want to feel them is because they are horrible to feel, at the very least I can find some kind of calmness and peace knowing I'm working on it and doing the best I can. And it is very empowering when I am able to sit there with them and remember I am okay.

It really helped once I started being able to value my body, and see that it is a home for me that is sacrosanct, and consequently I want to take good care of it and it deserves to be treated with respect. That doesn't mean eating too much, it doesn't mean eating too little. It means working through my feelings and trusting I am strong enough to feel the hard ones and then after deciding whether my body also needs nutrition. It means listening to its cues and trusting myself. There are going to be days when overeating happens. The US has an entire holiday based around that. Our culture has some crazy ideas about food and body image. It is difficult to be around that also. It is really really hard to work through this stuff. Each iteration of ourselves allows us to learn a little more about what it might be like to be free from sh*t that holds us back, so each is valuable. You are doing awesome.
With much respect. :hug:
 
Thanks for the feedback @NinjaWolf, what you are describing is what I am guessing is going on with me, and sometimes can see it. I had a difficult conversation over money yesterday, and other stuff as well, and I ran to the fridge, when I was having the conversation I kept, whilst using the phone kept ending up at the fridge, opening up, and then closing the door and running away. And then coming back, so it is just a thing, and with lots of practising I will get there eventually. You nail a lot of the points that I have been thinking about Ninja, so it helps to see what that looks like more, where I am about to go, my map might be a little bit different from yours, but in the same territory. It is useful, helpful and validating. So thanks for that.
 
I was tube fed for a few years as a child and homeless in my teens and early twenties. I think I must have some kind of body distortion on top of the eating crap as I'm 5"7 (5"8 when I heave out of my submissive stoop but that seems to have become somewhat ingrained despite hardcore stretching) and flit between seven and eight stone when I'm on top of things (ish but ish has to be aloud to count) and six stone when I'm clearly not. A really good way to feel happy with the kinds of food your eating is to do your shopping when your feeling the least taxed emotionally and physically and your triggers are as t there lowest. Write a list when you're super calm and sticking to it will help stop too many options becoming overwhelming. Having healthy good vibe foods in the cupboard that you mostly have to cook from scratch is the foundation of a healthy relationship with food. Good luck you'll get there. My current nemises is disordered exercise can anyone relate?
 
Totally regressed last night. This is to be expected, and is no big deal. I moved out of an unsafe home, it was really stressful. I thought I was going to move into my first safe home, and I was wrong. It was really awkward going into seeing my ex housemate. We didn't get back until after 7pm so I had missed taking my meds at 6pm. I kind of fell apart and went into shutdown mode. Comfort ate four slices of bread and a mango, seeing I didn't eat dinner that is not too bad. I was feeling so overwhelmed. I know it is not the best but I didn't even try to sleep in my bed. I slept on the red couch. I had the TV on in the background.
Slept in my clothes, which I used to do as a kid as a form of rape protection. Overall no massive binge eating so it is improvement. Small and modest but it is improvement.
 
Thanks @brokenEMT I am feeling better today. I got up and dragged myself to my walking group because exercise and social connection is important, so back to my exercise, and being out in nature. I need to be out in nature every day, it really works for me. I have read research that those that exercise in nature get many more benefits than those the exercise in gyms.

I seriously am not beating myself up for it. It was the best that I can do,and it is the beating up of myself that is actually more disruptive to my life than the eating is. I am really working on being okay or close to good enough, no perfectionism. Or the least amount of perfectionism and if I am in the perfectionism then hey I was in perfectionism.

As I didn't comfort eat or binge eat yesterday (or do continuous snacking) I noticed at one point I felt shaky and was shaking. I am not sure if that is usual for me because I haven't been that connected to myself before. But I didn't immediately numb the feelings out. It is immense progress for me.

I also filled up the space a lot less than I usually do through talking. I was much less dissociated when around other people. I was present much more yesterday than I have ever been so it is all new to me.
 
I think that is a massive step forward @Disco Dancing Queen
I think the shaking is a rough and tricky feeling, and to be able to feel bits of it and stay the large-picture course is really cool.

I wanted to say that I have learned for myself personally, sometimes when I am overwhelmed and get a bit more obsessive around food I find it helps to be mindful if I am eating lots of little things because I am feeling overwhelmed by all of the options and afraid foods will go away. So to try as best I can to remind me they will always be there, I am not going to be so gosh darn hungry again if I can help it. You are so right not every meal has to be perfect, thank you.
 
that's awesome @Disco Dancing Queen!!!!! it's so hard to not be a perfectionist, and the beating yourself up just leads to more beating yourself up. I'm glad you're feeling better today, and you were able to connect and get out into nature. A walking group is a great idea.

thanks for starting this thread, too. It's so helpful to know that others are struggling with disordered eating, and to hear their strategies and successes.
 
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