ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I struggle in the evenings with eating. I really struggle with eating. I am not fighting myself so much or beating myself up so much, so progress.

 

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Сахар Фильм 2016 (That Sugar Film)

I wish I could go shopping without having to see all the sugar in the stores and all the sugary food products.

My sister put chocolates in my bag, despite knowing I am trying not to eat that shit. She will not change this behaviour, and I have to look after myself accordingly.

1.17 sugar as substitute love.
1.26.50 food and sugar has a strong emotional component

 

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So a day of not comfort eating means a day of feeling a lot of frustration, and at times anger. I feel very frustrated with how things have been today.

So I have done well in eating reasonable meals, without the overeating, of course the most difficult part of the day is the evenings when the fear of attack, rape and terror nightmares really kicks in. That is where I really struggle.

I also struggle when I am dealing with difficult people who don't respect my changes with food, or just dump their stuff on me, or who are having a difficult time in their lives. If I hadn't seen six lots of people when I went down to Sydney I think I would have managed better!

 

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Getting on top of maladpative daydreaming, ruminations, and obsessive thinking is the new frontier that I need to get on top of, and like wow, it is tough going. I so easily, quickly and completely slide off into fantasy world, and I can have conversations in this now, whilst having conversations in my other world/s. So this is the next thing to get on top of, whilst I continue to work on my disordered eating.

It was such a tremendous battle last night, not to get up, get food, comfort eat, and then come back to bed. I kept getting up, starteing on my way to the kitchen, and then I was turning myself around, getting back in to bed, watching some comedians again, and then up I found myself getting up and walking off to the kitchen, I thought what I am doing? Then I turned myself around and went back to bed. It is an automatic routine, and with the lower medication (tapering off under medical supervision) I am struggling more with it, but I am slowly, so slowly improving. It is such a slog though. This is damn hard work at times. But I am out of obesity and I am overweight now. So it is all improvements, and slip sliding, and crashing and burning, and lots of mistakes. Generally it is the painstakingly slow work and the creation of new neural pathways. Do the new behaviour, and repeat, again and again and again. x100000000000000000 so that is what I am doing, and it is not easy.

I realised I will have to work on self compassion, self care, and breaking down that habituated self hatred again. I will also have to do the work with all that.

Anyway I am making (very slow) progress, it is much better, at least knowing what direction to go in, so that is progress as well!

My procrastination and dragging my feet is impressive.

So not living in a food coma is a very different way to live my life.

I am starting to learn what is emotional eating, comfort eating, binge eating, and what eating for hunger is like. I am still blown away by how much sugar is in everything, people are really screwed, there is just so much sugar in there. And low fat is often very high sugar, so even people trying to do the right thing are screwed as well.

And you don't need to eat that much, I am still blown away by what a reasonable portion size is, and I could eat a couple of portion sizes whilst dishing up. I could eat a couple of meal size portions whilst having a snack! A portion size was my snack size. I am still blown away by how little food you really need to eat for eating maintenance, but that is looking at food, as family, friend, comfort, reward, and self soothing. Occasionally I can see food outside of that lens, and see it is actually food, and not this thing imbued by all the severe deprivation, abuse, and trauma that I lived through as a child.

How do you manage helplessness and hopelessness of complex trauma

When I don't use food to numb myself all these other feelings come up, and I must say, I am definitely not a fan. Definitely not a fan of feelings!

The good thing about being in Weight Watchers, is as long as I get the blue dot or have the points each day then I am not going into restrictive lockdown which didn't go well for me in 2013, so that gives me a confidence to keep going with it. I don't want to go too the one way at all. It is a slog, but well worth it.

 

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I knew I wasn't hungry but I had a sandwich and a couple of bananas anyway! I was having emotions. Then I totally got lost in the maladaptive daydreaming. Egads! Egads! OMG!

 

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Do you have maladaptive daydreaming?

Struggled last night with the yearning for comfort eating.

 

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Okay ate zero points for food for breakfast this morning, so I could go out to lunch to eat what I wanted, and it was lovely!

I didn't overeat to manage social anxiety, so a step forward.

 

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Really angry wanted to comfort eat, but restrained my self.

Really angry!

 

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So it just goes on and on and you just have to go with it.

 

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A new day! It is a new day! It is not easy! The other things that the eating was masking are coming up.

 

[ninja]

Man it is a gong show sometimes.
Anger is one that often led to food for me. I struggle with figuring out how to let anger be. It's a process.
It sounds like @Disco Dancing Queen you have made some challenging choices recently. Massive hats off. Nothing about healing an ED is easy or simple. Sending support.

 

[ms spock]

So today I went to sleep rather than deal with the day. I went to meditation this morning, and it was hard going for two hours. Then my partner was saying stuff to me, then I can't block out so much with TV shows and series as much,I am not doing the eating, so it is all changing, and it is really hard for me to manage. I got my period, and I am really trying to manage things.

I have mostly crazy people in my life, so I need to get out and meet some new people.