ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I am still struggling with this. I did badly last night.

 

[ms spock]

Today so far I am doing okay with my eating. I went walking instead. I find I do boredom eat a lot, so getting out of the house is really important.

So food was one way for me to get love without anyone getting a whiff that I was getting any love. So if I give up giving myself love via food, where do I get my love? And if I don't numb myself with food all these emotions come up and this neediness comes up, and this vulnerability, the vulnerability feels excruciating.

 

[ms spock]

Such basic questions after working so hard for so long.

 

[ms spock]

Okay doing a little better, it has been a hard. I am maintaining weight, still struggling, with eating.

I wasn't feeding myself enough at times, so I am doing a bit better there with that.

It is really hard.

I am doing much better than I was though.

 

[ms spock]

I did poorly last night. I was binge eating last night.

 

[ms spock]

I am not doing so badly. I am overall improved. It is a big change to numb out with food since you were a small person, and to totally change this in your life. I am doing it. I am making big changes.

 

[ms spock]

I am doing better. I am eating regular size meals. I am doing less comfort eating. I am being more present in my day.

 

[ms spock]

I had zucchini noodles and tomato soup for breakfast this morning. I am actually doing really well with this. I am too hard on myself. I have really improved with my eating since January in a substantial way. I am struggling but I am also doing really, really well with this.

I have changed so much since January, and my new routines have been established, and I am doing so much better with it all. I have lost weight so I am almost at the top of my BMI. I am 72.3 kilos now, I started at 87.7 kilos, though I had lost weight before I started, probably about 10 kilos. So I will have lost another 17 kilos when I reach 70 kilos, and that is a significant achievement for me, the scales are not everything, but it is really important for my long term health to get to this point. So that is a big achievement for me health wise. I looked at the Rethink-Obesity-Home website and it has some good information there. There are so many health gains with losing that weight, for my hip, and my joins, improved heart health, reducing likelihood of diabetes, etc etc It seems that obesity is associated with more than 195 complications, so I have improved my life considerably.

 

[ms spock]

My eating does fluctuate a bit, and last night I had an extra sandwich, and that is great, because before I would have eaten a whole loaf. So I am really progressing. I have a lot get in place with in terms of emotional regulation, but I am getting there. I am changing as a person, to change the whole way that you eat and manage being around food is huge, and I am doing it.

 

[ms spock]

I am fearful of feeling feelings. I spend a lot of time trying to not feel anything. I am not drinking enough water and in the Queensland hot weather this is not wise. I am endeavouring to improve on this. I am sometimes eating when I am thirsty, so I want to cut down on that, if possible. I am still comfort eating at times, but much, much less. I really want to achieve my weight goal. I need to get back to exercise to manage this. I need to do some meal planning.

This week I spent time reading books, and this just cut off my head and the rubbish swirling around in my head. So my general mental state has improved significantly.

I realise that I am doing really well despite the fact, that I rarely feel that what I do is good enough, and I realise that I am way too hard and harsh on myself. This self recriminations is a trigger for some of my eating, and I need to stop this. So I have the books to read on this, and I really need to work on them, and do what I need to do.

 

[ms spock]

I have been listened to two "Brain Over Binge" podcasts this morning, 4

Episode 46: Q&A: How Do I Stay Binge-Free on Vacation? / Why Do I Keep “Starting Over” in Recovery?

Episode 47: Q&A: What If I’m Overeating After I Stop Binge Eating?

I have been aiming not to comfort eat at night, and last night I did actually do that. It has taken 6 months of hard work to get to this point. I am very proud of this achievement as I have lifelong disordered eating, so it is a huge shift for me.

 

[ms spock]

I have been drinking more, and I had an Apple and Cinnamon tea, and more water. I really need to improve on my water drinking! I was eating when I was thirsty, so I am now doing that a lot less.

I am really trying to get back into exercise. I did some walking yesterday, and this morning we got up early and went for a walk with the dog. It was lovely out. So far I have done 6400 steps.

I made a beautiful salad this morning for myself of finely chopped kale, carrot, tomatos, red onion, English spinach, cheese, with tuna and pesto, so I had a really nourishing meal this morning for breakfast.

I need not to eat too little, or eat too much, both are important.

I have been mindfully not allowing my brain/mind the space to ruminate or go into maladaptive daydreaming. The amount of improvement is phenomenal. I have been getting myself to read books, and watch comedians, and TV news shows. It has been most useful and I have improved significantly.

My sleeping has improved significantly. I had three hours of deep sleep last night. I am doing a plethora of things to manage my fear of rape at night. So I have comedians or news programs in the background so when I wake up I know there is no fear of rape, I am not in that time anymore. So many things I do for sleep - it takes a lot to manage, at the best of the time.