Displaying Emotions

[Hen]

I have never been able to display emotions or even under stand what i feel until recently my psych has been trying to get me to understand that I have emotions. I currently have only got the hang of anger etc and not of any positive emotions. I would love to know how others have managed emotions when they have actually opened up to them.

Rather than me drink and the anger comes out I can now say tht I am angry but I stil don't get the positive emotions. Does that make sense to people. I want to feel emotions but since childhood it was never safe so i couldn't and now I am trying it is only anger coming out.

please can people give suggestions as to how to manage emotions without alcohol and how do people fine the positive emotions. Not sure it I make sense.............I hope someone knows what I am feeling.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I would think that the biggest thing that you need to overcome is BELIEVING that you are entitled to feel emotions......If you don't feel that you have the right to feel them, then you probably won't.

You do have the right to feel emotions.....Now you just need to figure that out for yourself, and allow yourself to feel them......

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Hen,

First, She Cat makes an excellent (and probably the most important) point.

Your post not only makes a lot of sense, I find your question a very important one. So please hang in there while I ramble on.

When I discovered alcohol in my teens, I always wanted to fight when I reached a certain threshold (or blacked out and was awakened), and I was always angry and ready to fight (didn't know exactly why). And anger was the scariest emotion for me for various reasons, but it's too long to explain why in this post.

And when I think back, each time I read books on emotions, my reaction to the "anger" chapter was "ah, I never get mad. I'm easy going. etc." And now, some 20 years later, I've discovered that anger was the major theme in my life - or more specifically, extremely inhibited anger - which is a symptom of Complex-PTSD.

Today, I'm happy to say that the work I did to understand, express constructively, etc my anger, and reasons for it, paid off.

In my case, I felt more psychologically terrorized than anything else. Thanks to using a cognitive based approach, and years of journaling and much therapy, what I eventually discovered was that my thoughts, and associated feelings, were going so fast in my head (much anxiety), I didn't even know they were going at high speed until I was able to calm my mind.

Displaying emotions was almost unbearable to me because I was so self-programmed to act if everything was ok and nothign bothered me. And because the thoughts and feelings were going at high speed, I had no clue what exactly I was feeling or why. It was too jumbled up. Plus, I had also repressed all the negative emotions, and some good ones, so I felt numb a lot.

So in answer to your question on managing emotions, I have no idea how I managed mine for the first 30 years because it was too confusing.

But when I learned to examine and question my beliefs and negative thoughts and get rid of the distorted or untruthful ones, it got easier to manage the emotions.

One thing that helped me too was I made a list (you can search the internet) of all possible emotions, and identified which ones I felt, which ones I didn't, which ones I wasn't sure of.

LAstly, I was told by a shrink once that I should channel my anger in constructive ways. An excellent way to do so is martial arts, kickboxing, punching bag/pillow, any strenuous form of exercise, chopping wood, weight lifting, construction work, drama role playing in a safe environment, screaming out loud somewhere safe and private, is good to release some steam, clear the mind some, until you can get back to questioning negative thoughts and beliefs, and dealing with every day problems as best as we can.

Hope this helps some.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In the phospital we had to do 15 minute check in sheets. Every 15 minutes we were to check in with ourselves and write down our emotions.

Of course, doing it every 15 minutes drove me nuts, so I only did a "check-in" every 30 minutes or every hour.

I, too, have difficulty with my emotions. A lot of the time I don't know what I'm feeling. It really does help to check in with myself and recognize what I am feeling in the moment.

 

[cat]

Hen
Thanks for your post, now I don't feel so strange!

I'd always thought that I was pretty good at understanding my feelings but my trauma has changed that & I now doubt that I ever did. As I have three children its come as a bit of a shock & I'm having difficult trusting what I feel about them.

My psych has been helping me to understand what I'm feeling. The first one she identified in me was anger, I had no idea that was what I was feeling I just felt out of control, I can recognise that now & channel it into physical exercise - maybe just an hour walking, to manage it. We've recently moved on to feeling sad, because it makes me feel so panicky she suggests that I allow myself to feel this for a short time each day, it's very hard & sometimes triggers me but we're hoping that in time I will feel able to cry.

As for positive emotions I can recognise feeling happy & pleased with myself for getting through therapy & day to day challenges but it feels wrong for me to have those feelings so I've started a list of the things I have achieved to reinforce them.

I do find that meditation helps with this as it makes me put a side my intrusive thoughts & just be me. I've also found a book on Focusing by Eugene T. Gendlin helpful in finding where I feel my emotions physically. Focusing allows me to look beyond my anger and focus on the emotions & thoughts that come with it, it takes some practice & I find it easier to do with my psych so that she can help me to identify my emotions & talk about them.

I hope that gives you some reassurance Hen, its hard work but it is paying off.

Scared of lonely - I'm going to try that 'check in' on my emotions, I'm sure it must help rather that trying to avoid them.

 

[suzie q]

Hello Hen,

Thanks for your post. It was really brave to admit that you need answers. Feelings have always been trouble for me.

When I first started processing my feelings, they were very simple and were just a few of the lists I've seen since then. I had used drugs and alcohol for so long to manage them that I eventually became numb, or so I thought. The use of depressants (like alcohol) actually caused me to have no inhibitions therefore, I would over-react to things that were so very unimportant. You know, the great ego and bravado or, to the other extreme, feelings of uselessness and self-pity.

I learned in treatment and therapy that the only feelings I could identify were mad, sad, glad, and numb. Mad was the strongest. I was told that it was very common for mad to be at the forefront. They said that mad could get really intense for some because most of the feeling was truly fear. I did'nt like that answer...after all, I felt I was afraid of nothing. LOL!

I was a survivor and I felt that nothing could hurt me anymore. My drinking over time no longer worked at shutting down feelings. It took more and more and even then, I couldn't calm myself or deal with stress. For me, it actually made my life a living hell. I had no serious consequences from drinking, somehow I always managed to escape the law. It just quit working. This would make me turn into a raging loonie.

When I found a way to not drink, one day at a time, I started to feel overwhelmed with emotion. My therapist worked with me on identifying each basic feeling (mad, sad, glad, numb) and then we would fine tune from there. I used paper and wrote down my feeling, underneath that I would list other emotions. This could be spiritual, physical, emotional, etc...

By doing this on a regular basis, I eventually began to understand my patterns and was able to continue to fine tune what I felt. Over time I learned that my "mad" usually was caused by fear. Then I could list what I was afraid of and have a clearer understanding of what I could do to control my impulsive emotion. Women are usually better at this than men. I'm not saying men can't learn. My husband did a fine job but it seemed to take more effort because of his "manly" background.

The hardest part for me was to stop depending on chemicals to control or suppress my emotions. Even if I had only one drink or smoke, my mind wasn't truly in a state to understand clearly. I would just freak out and continue with my binge until I was numb or didn't care. I used alcohol and drugs for a long time as my enabler and best friend. Living like that almost cost me my sanity and serenity...something that makes me stronger today.

Hope this helps!

 

[Lionheart]

In the early years of treatment for PTSD, I was unable to recognize most of my emotions and very seldom allowed myself to express them. I had become so good at numbing myself out with alcohol and other behaviors that I found it very difficult to recognize what I was feeling. When I did begin to allow myself to feel, I was totally overwhelmed with the belief that the intensity of those feelings would kill me. However, I came to learn that the opposite was true; suppressing my feelings is what allowed the intensity to build up so high and when I let myself feel, (a little at a time), I began to heal emotionally. I think it is a very common thing you are experiencing and I know if you stick with it, it willl get easier for you. When you get your feelings back (ie; recognize, feel, and release them), you will begin to feel much more alive and healthy.

 

[kers]

I very much relate to this, Hen. When I first began treatment, I had two 'feelings': okay and not okay.

Now I can identify my emotions much more readily. What has really helped me is my therapist teaching me physical aspects of different emotions. Often when he asks me how I feel, I say, "I don't know." So we move on to what's going on in my body: if I can't breathe, I might be scared. If my muscles are clenched, I might be angry. And so on.

The alcohol masks all of this and makes it impossible to recognize what's going on inside you. Give yourself time to listen and pay attention to your internal landscape.

 

[Manic11]

I definitely relate to this. It was never okay for me to show any emotion. Because of that, if I am feeling an emotion I automatically hide it and my anxiety goes up or I have no idea which emotion it is that I'm feeling.

I had someone suggest letting your emotions out to yourself first. Write them down, talk to yourself in the mirror, talk to your pet if you have one, etc. That can be much easier than showing them in front of others.

Like it was said above, you have to believe in yourself. It's very difficult but it's not impossible. I always try to show emotion in front of others, I'm not able to yet but its a working progress.

Take care of yourself.
Manic