Dissasociate from therapist saying something positive

[WishfulThinking123]

Oh don't worry I know you aren't! I just honestly didn't think about that before... I think being a T though they're not expecting stuff from us. Like I don't think they're looking to get their emotional needs from us or any kind of verification. I think my T is doing this to change my false distortions and hearing certain verifying statements in regards to my trauma is helpful but, its is terrifying at the same time as well as unexpected. I grew up with my feelings often being viewed as non important and not validated. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I am afraid to discuss this with the t because, then I'm afraid she'll stop doing it because even though it is terrifying and I often disassociate it is still helpful and I need to hear it if that makes sense?

 

[One step at a time]

Yep, me too.

She knows it is very hard for me, and she is conscious of that when she chooses to say kind things about me. Sometimes, I've had to ask her to stop. Half the time, I don't have a clue what she has said. But there have been times when I heard her, and then remembered it later, and it helped.

 

[zoie33]

I have told my therapist how it makes me feel. How I dissociate when he talks nice to me. I asked him to use a harsher voice when he does it and I think he has been trying to do that. He still says it. I also told him today that when he talks about how much I've been hurt and all the horrible things that have happened that I feel like a trapped rat in a cage and my brain just has to find an escape route. I can't remember what he said in response to that because I was halfway down the rabbit hole but it didn't stop him from saying it again later on in the session. I wouldn't worry about them not saying what you want them to say. They know we need to hear it and that's why they keep saying it. Eventually maybe I won't go down the rabbit hole when he talks that way. I asked him today how I can stop dissociating so much especially when he talks that way. He said I have to process through the trauma that's how it'll stop. Good luck to you all I know it is very hard to hear that type of stuff my brain just does not want to accept it. Now I'm going to go against all of my inner feelings and say how horrible our childhoods must have been that we are programmed to dissociate when people say good things to us. the really is sad when you think about it.

 

[Mice]

@WishfulThinking123 totally makes sense. I sort of like "save it for later". It's too hard on the spot to acknowledge it, but it makes me feel good afterwards to know she appreciates me and sees good in me

 

[NightSky]

Yes! Any validation of any sort and I'm immediately lightheaded and floaty. It's really frustrating. From others when they are kind I'm fine with it, because they are reacting to the persona I put forward and I guess I feel like that part of me is respectable. But validation from someone who knows so much more feels like it can't be real.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

@NightSky You are spot on! I think that must be exactly why it is particularly hard to hear kind words from my T now...because, she knows the real me. I have been seeing her for years but only in the last several months have I started delving into serious stuff/what I really think.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Awww. This makes me wish my t said kind things to me more often. I feel like she doesn't do it as often as yours does. :(

Oh well. I will survive. So I think a very important point is realizing how far of a leap the new kindness words are to our ingrained beliefs. It's the polar opposite, right? And that's why our minds instantly reject it. All that "no, it's not true" stuff comes up. My t is a HUGE fan of being kind to that part of us. That bully part. I'm not really on board yet with that but making some progress. Anyway it makes a lot MORE sense (and I learned this from an awesome podcast I listen to) to slowly work on those thoughts. To just nudge it a little more to something that's more true. So an example would be, instead of believing "I'm awful and no one likes me" you could sorta see how the new thought "I may have some aspects of myself that aren't horrible and I know of a few people who thought I was ok" could fairly quickly become something you could believe. Rather than "I'm the worst" to "I'm perfect in every way!" You know? Thought that was an important point as well as an extremely awesome thing to practice on your own.

 

[kilted]

I wonder if the reaction might come from a visceral sense that we are "Not OK", if someone we have placed significant trust in says we are "OK" then they are not as "OK" as we need them to be.... this kicks off a feedback loop in the brain as it tries to solve this conundrum and find a stable way of both confirming our "Not OKness" and also the therapists skill and "OKness". We want to trust the therapist, but when they say things like this it throws us, so we screen it out.

Maybe if we look at this dissociation/stress response as a symptom of the depth of the psychic wounding arising from C-PTSD it might help us understand it a bit more. Communicating the strength of our negative response to positive comments to the therapist might help them get a sense of just how damaging our lived experience has been.

THere's also a cultural aspect..... I'm a Scot and my culture doesn't do positive affirmatory comments.....I sense there are very few Scottish men who feel comfortable receiving praise from others.

 

[L B]

Sometimes in T, a major trigger that makes me want to disassociate is when my T says that sh...

I don't have the answers but I feel the answers here aren't completely all it.... I suffer this too... trust comes up for me.... and for me love kindness validation etc were used to gain easy accesss to abuse and cause me trauma
I'm not sure if that also helps you
When anyone is to nice to me doesn't matter who I want to push them away when they are done too
To prevent any more trauma happening to me
In my head all nice love etc is a bad thing n bad news

People say or do nice things for me all the time n I feel very cautious n vulnerable
N online I have reverted to saving nice words to take in another time better only managed to take in one because I disassociate n can't take it in at the time


But when a really showy nice person wants to stick around I'm planning for it to be broken n to get away or push them away
So it's not just with therapists for me

Sometimes when others abuse me esp online I feel I can't escape from abuse n it's all merit knocks me down as well as triggers me but part of me feels like this is the norm n without the norm I feel lost so anything opposite from abuse is not familiar n unfamiliar things makes for vulnerability too in truama or abuse you had a method to survive a routine you see the abuser face to face for example something anything you do through trauma keeps you alive every second and every day n without trauma it's still n you don't know how to function or survive anymore that's me too then your exposed to nice therapist or nice people such a huge change so soon
You need the nice work gradually at your own pace when you are ready for it not before
You are still in survival shock
Trauma is still real in your mind but your world is very different but very similar n unfamiliar similar in that you see warning bells in everything related to the past n unfamiliar in that it's much filled with other threats stress from work or familiar triggers but also stillness n no usual survival routine you're use to automaticallly doing
That's just one way of loooking at it for me wonder if it's useful at all
I don't have the true answers though I'm trying to reflect n like to learn what really is going on too
Because I feel like if you don't understand me therapist then I'm all alone again
That is something I'm withdrawing n doing now after many failed therapiststhat can't work with me
I feel I'm too much burden
I had at least one who understood me though
Not being understood makes me feel alone that also makes me vulnerable
Ppl being nice triggers helplessness in me too n insecurities where I feel I can't feel the same for them for if you show or portray any weakness even in love or kindnesss it made traumas worse where I came from
But right now I'm happier alone in that I feel less vulnerable relying on me more in relying on others I feel slowly safer in me by working on n in me without anyone's help
Doing brace things like travelling doing it my way best for me listening to my needs such as going with someone I trust in case I need grounding or help also not going without my gadgets to help me all the way maps tickets etc each time I work with me I get better
But if authority or difficult or controlling ppl come into my life or scene I'm that helpless survivor or victim again
Even if they are positive like my support worker
Any control taking from me I go into the victim mode again n feel helpless and powerless n usually they don't listen to me my support worker
any nice words makes me feel they do care or will listen but also I dissociate n I wonder if this is partly why for both of us
I've had bad therapist parents anyone like that in the past
They abused me and took advantage of me and put me in harms way
Both had no good intentions for me
I struggle to trust and work with therapists now too
And lol I know how to work alone n keep pushing away my support workers
But I'm sorry this is long

 

[WishfulThinking123]

But if authority or difficult or controlling ppl come into my life or scene I'm that helpless survivor or victim again

This is so true! I feel helpless... I feel like I have no control. One of the main goals to "survive" my current environment right now is to work on becoming as independent as I can. It is so hard to just fall into that victim role and feel like I have no control over anything... Sigh :/ I need to learn to stand up for myself more

 

[Mach123]

I was trying to read Ellen Bass' book "Courage to Heal." It was the first "survivor" book I ever tried to read. I got to this positive affirmation part, I don't remember it exactly but I had an extreme reaction and I put the book down. I never tried to read it again.

 

[zoie33]

Mach123...I can totally relate. I am working through a workbook on self compassion and there was a statement you were supposed to read out loud to yourself 3 times and then rate it's truth or something like that. I started hysterically crying after reading silently to myself the first time. Can't go back to it. Another time I was reading a sappy text from a friend while looking for her street address in the car and I instantly dissociated. Ended up way out of my way somewhere and had to call her for directions back to her house. My brain can just not handle anything nice or loving directed at me.