Dissociation, But Not Mine

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

I'm having a difficult time with something right now. I know I have PTSD as I've been diagnosed, but I think my wife does too. Some of her traumas are similar to mine as we experiences them together. But, the way it manifests in both of us is very, very different.

She denies that she has PTSD, but she admits and has been diagnosed with dissociation as a way of handling her stress. Mine manifests itself very different as I become hyper vigilant about things.... perhaps dissociating with other things around me, but, mine seems to be more manic or anxiety driven.

So the problem we're having is this.... a large part of our stress has to do with this lemon house we bought and all the repairs we've had to incur. She's convinced that anything I see that is wrong with the house is my mania acting up. Meanwhile, she's dissociating and not dealing with some very real problems that we are having with the house that will get worse if we don't deal with them.

She says she doesn't want to talk about the house. That's fine. So, I don't talk about the house. But then I move ahead with things and, sometimes, that incurs a large expense. (The last one was $2800). I can't not check with her on that kind of expense. We need to make sure that we move things around so that money is there.

So, I tell her about it. She gets really upset and recently she even threatened to leave me because of my mania about it. She did recognize that we needed to do this repair, but she also said I should have told her about it ahead of time so she could have helped in the decision making. But, if I tell her about it she tells me she's going to leave me because of my anxiety.... I actually think it is more her anxiety than mine at this point.

I don't want to blame her. She's a wonderful person who is also going through a difficult time. I also don't want to upset her by saying, "Maybe this is on your side and not mine." I'd rather just take the blame and move on, but it's difficult, because I'm struggling myself. I also realize that I am prone to high anxiety and I'm actively trying to make sure that it is not just my anxiety getting the best of me when I make these decisions.... but it's an active process that requires me to ask others for advice and help. Obviously, I can't ask her.

Has anybody else dealt with this kind of thing? I don't really know what to do. Yesterday we had a therapy session where she threatened to leave me and it was like a club hit me on the head for the rest of the day. Heh, then I woke up today and our pipes had frozen (again) and that was the first thing I had to tell her about...... she cried and cried and I just hugged her and told her it was going to be OK.

But, this is hard for me too and I don't know what to do....

 

[arfie]

My husband and I are polar opposites in so many ways that our consolation is, "Between us there is balance." I am the over-doer and he is the over-cautious one.

Yes, it is hard, but I definitely believe it is worth it. When I don't know what to do, I find that nothing is usually the best thing I can do. Let it be. On your mark! Get set! Sit!

How to do nothing was not an easy thing for me to learn. Good thing I had a good teacher.

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

Haha, the problem is my mind won't let me do nothing! I'm more obsessive than dissociation. Things go into my mind and I have the hardest time getting them out. I compulsively have to investigate everything. (Part of that goes back to the day my father committed suicide..... I heard a noise, didn't wake up... it was him rummaging for his bullets in the closet. Had I woken up.... who knows.... it could have been totally different.... I know I can't blame myself... but practically, in life, I feel the compulsion to be so much more careful....)

She's the opposite. If it's not literally hitting her in the face she won't see it. And, the problem is, if she doesn't see it, I worry about it and if I point it out to her she gets upset.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Have you thought about the both of you going to counseling regarding the house? It sounds like the house is a major stressor like you said. I see hurt feelings all over the place on both sides. It might help to have someone helping the two of you discuss it openly in a safe, structured environment with a neutral and objective party. Letting this grow is not an option.

In my opinion, threatening to leave because something is difficult, whether it's true or not, is both damaging to the relationship and unacceptable. This would cause me to run my marriage into a counseling office immediately. But, that's just me.

And I totally understand. Hubs and I go through things like this too, but we don't threaten to leave unless we intend to. That's a rule we set at the beginning of our relationship though.

I think it's very sweet that you don't want to put all the blame on her, however, in a marriage conflict each person has a part at some point.

 

[Dissociation]

Why don't you two go to a family consultant?

 

[SuicideSurvivor1994]

We're trying to find one that takes our insurance. It's a bit more of a process than we realized unfortunately....

Yesterday was bad. We had the pipes freeze again and then come loose due to a faulty install, so we had a leak. (We're going after the guy who installed them). Luckily, it didn't end up being too expensive to fix, but all the same.

My wife was a mess. She was saying how much she hated living in this house..... she was saying how she hated life. I tried to just be warm and comforting, but it was hard for me too..... I just walked away a few times and then I'd come back and give her a hug. She was crying and heaving.....

After the plumber left she seemed to calm down. We got up to some good news this morning..... a house on our street looks like it's going to sell for quite a bit more than we bought ours for..... then I also had some other contractors out today (long story) and their inspection came back positive and they fixed some stuff they didn't do quite right, some of which may prevent our pipes from freezing in the future.

I didn't really sleep much last night......... I hate seeing her so unhappy and it's hard for me. But, I'm just trying to be there for her because that's what she needs....