Dissociation Confusion

[jadebear]

My T. told me I have a dissociative disorder. He said I dissociate alot. He thinks that's how I deal with things and worries that I'm not capable of protecting myself or defending myself when needed. He said part of being healed is when I don't dissociate anymore.

Last week we were discussing suicidal tendencies/ideation. He said all my thoughts and tendencies are just part of my illness(ptsd). That he doesn't believe I will actually ever commit suicide because I'm able to dissociate. He said if I didn't dissociate, I probably would kill myself.

Therein lies my confusion. If dissociating is what keeps me from acting on my thoughts/tendencies, why is it such a bad thing?

 

[anthony]

Everyone actually dissociates, its just most don't know it. Every person has drifted off at some point, within one moment, but completely oblivious to the moment or surrounding... and I do mean everyone does it, trauma or not, its part of the way in which the brain functions.

I think what your therapist is saying is that they maybe fear that when provoked, you will go into freeze to easily instead of flight or fight. It is the same as personality types, being placid, aggressive and assertive. If your placid, then chances are you will freeze / dissociate. Its not the end of the spectrum you want to be. If assertive, you will choose to fight or flight, using reason; if aggressive your first instinct will be fight, even though all odds are against you. Another bad choice basically.... usually how aggressive people tend to spend more time in jail, fights, hospital, injured, etc.

The problem as I see it for you jadebear, is that you need to keep beating away at your trauma itself, at what you feel, at finding resolution that makes sense to you, so you can lessen your fear, anger, guilt, negative emotions towards yourself, your past, your abuse. This is why I highly encourage people to take up some kind of adventure training activity, something that you would never normally do, just so you can prove to yourself you can do it. What that does is increase your self esteem, which in turn reduces your fear towards yourself and even past events. By raising your self esteem, you lessen the possibility that you will dissociate...

 

[jadebear]

you need to keep beating away at your trauma itself

I am, slowly, but it's so exhausting and hard to do. And I think it's what's keeping me stuck in this cycle of being ok for a bit and then spiraling out of control. I feel like I'm never going to get through it all.

How am I supposed to find resolution that makes sense? Some of the things were just so bizarre that I can't wrap my head around them at all. I feel stuck on trying to understand "him" and why he did the things he did. If I could just let that go and accept that he was a very sick man, I would do much better.

And BTW, I do freeze too easily when provoked if it's anyone related to me. Anyone else and I'm aggressive. So both are not good. I either end up letting myself be mistreated or worry about going to jail....

 

[anthony]

Tell us about the bizarre, and lets see what can be thought about that may assist you!!! Some things are just that, being that there is no understanding beyond the person was seriously warped, ill themselves, etc. Most abuse from within a family you will actually find the abuser was abused as a child also, and they are carrying that abuse cycle onwards. Scary, but true. I pick Nicolette up on things all the time that she still does, that she has stated come from her childhood abuse / upbringing, though only endup in an argument or fight. If something ends up that way consistently, then is it right, wrong or merely embedded and you're carrying it on as part of the cycle? Something we must all constantly evaluate to ensure we who have endured trauma, of any type, don't carry on the abuse cycle. So often you here people say things like, "when I grow up there is no way I am going to treat my kids that way" or other person/s, then they catch themselves doing the same thing because that is what they know.

So... what do you know in regard to bizarre? What do you know in regard to specific aspects that you cannot understand yet?

 

[jadebear]

I had a really long post...but I deleted it. I just can't go into the "bizarre" yet.

 

[anthony]

Its ok... you will when your ready and able.

 

[jadebear]

So often you here people say things like, "when I grow up there is no way I am going to treat my kids that way" or other person/s, then they catch themselves doing the same thing because that is what they know.

First, I want to say that I have never sexually abused or sexually assaulted anyone. But there are alot of things that I have repeated. I have been mentally, verbally and at times physically abusive to my kids. I have threatened/attempted suicide in front of them, just like both my parents did, just not as extreme though. I never stood with a gun in my mouth like my dad did. I never OD'd on pills and have my kids wondering why they couldn't wake me up like my mom did all the time. But still, what I did was nearly as bad. I have put the pedal to the floor in the car and drove towards a tree to scare the kids, just like my dad did.....and my mom did. I have done alot of things I said I would never do to my kids. It's sad that the things we hated the most we end up doing ourselves. I just hope the cycle stops and my kids won't do the same with their kids.

 

[anthony]

Jadebear... we all do it, have no doubt... but that is exactly it, as long as we recognise when we shift into repeating any cyclic behaviour that is embedded within our brain as part of our own upbringing / trauma, that is what counts. If you recognise it, then you can change it. Its when we don't recognise it, when we ignore it or just accept our own bad behaviour, that we can't change it / we do destructive things.

So I think your doing just fine by recognising, thus which means you can change it. If any of us want to change something, we will force ourselves to make that change, regardless the cost to ourselves, we will make that self change when we're uniquely ready.

My statement got you thinking... which was the idea, and you listed things you have repeated, even though you told yourself you wouldn't. Its not a fault game, its more a behavioural aspect that becomes embedded within us. I would say finding someone who hasn't repeated the same cycles at some point... would be about as rare as rocking horse shit.

 

[jadebear]

My statement got you thinking...

It has got me more than thinking...it's actually bugging the piss out of me now. Now I just keep thinking about all the things I've repeated. Things I never really thought about before.

For instance, last week when I heard my new step dad is abusive to my mom, my first reaction was to talk to a couple of people to make sure he got "hurt". I may not be breaking any of his bones personally, but, automatically hurting someone is something my dad would have did without thinking it through. My first thoughts tend to lean towards revenge and violence. I guess I didn't realize that before.

There are so many other things too, things that I don't even want to put here. Thanks for making me stop and think anthony.

 

[jadebear]

Now I'm confused.....

I said my first thoughts tend to lean towards revenge and violence, which they do. But yet at the same time, I freeze and panic if I think someone may harm me. I don't understand that.

I'm so fearful of everyone and everything, why would I want to cause fear in or harm others?

 

[Nyx]

I'm so fearful of everyone and everything, why would I want to cause fear in or harm others?

Maybe violence is the answer coming from our subconscious. I'm just guessing here. Our subconscious is not proud or satisfied with our freeze response, so when it encounters a similar situation, it gives the command we wish we had to our critical situation. What I'm trying to say is that this type of response comes out of empathy combined with guilt, anger, etc.

From what I understand, violence is your response to anger, while freezing is your response to fear. For now these responses are unconditional, you can't control them. The fact that you just asked this question, though, is a sign you are ready to change those responses. How? I don't really know. I think it is different from person to person. Maybe your therapist can help with the 'programming' part.

I have the same responses and I'm not happy about it. But at least I am beginning to understand what and why and have the time to change them. And you are doing that to - good for you, good for us!

 

[anthony]

Because you're working on the constant opposite ends of each spectrum, which shows imbalance within yourself, which you obviously have at present. Passive > Aggressive. If you remember reading articles on this, its about retraining your own "actions" and "word" back to "Assertive", being the optimal balance of both passive and aggressive.

When you freeze, you need to learn to quickly reassure yourself that freezing is likely going to cause you more harm. When you head towards aggressive, you need to again retrain your thought pattern to stop, breathe, pause 5 or 10 seconds before response or action, and really ascertain whether you are attacking or defending. If attacking, its likely you are wrong and need to stop. If you are defending, ie. being attacked, then an aggressive counter response is appropriate and correct, where freeze is incorrect.

Its about putting yourself into situations. So... how does one put themselves into such a situation that is controlled? Easy... some type of local self defence course or such basis around self defence. Its like martial arts... your not taught to attack, but to defend and subdue... it retrains your brain through actions and discipline so your brain interprets differently. You have those who use such things aggressively... but that's because such people failed to accept the true teaching of self defence, and wanted to use it in order to bully others / to be socially cool, etc.