Dissociation Confusion

[jadebear]

A self defense course actually sounds like a good idea...and something I would probably enjoy.

 

[catjudo]

He thinks that's how I deal with things and worries that I'm not capable of protecting myself or defending myself when needed.

This thread makes me remember something that happened to me a long time ago. I'm not certain this is an appropriate place to put it or that it will be particularly helpful but I feel like I want to put it out there so...

When I was in my early 20's I was raped by an acquaintance. I won't go into the details but, not surprisingly, during the rape he pulled my hair. During this same time in my life I was working as a behavioral specialist in a residential facility that treated adolescents with developmental disorders (everyone there had multiple diagnoses and behavior or conduct issues). Less than a week after my rape (and I had not yet told ANYONE what had happened) I was on duty when a female resident was brought onto the unit I was working to be put in our padded isolation room...she was trying to self-harm. The unit that I was working on was actually a male unit but her unit did not have a similar room. I was the only female staff member on that unit at the time. When the female resident began undressing and attempting to use her clothing to choke/strangle herself, the male staff asked me to go in and try to physically intervene. They stood outside of the room, just out of sight of the girl, but ready to assist if I called for them. Once in the room the female resident became aggressive toward me. My training kicked in and I began to restrain her until she got a big handful of my hair. When she pulled my hair I completely dissociated/froze. I didn't call for help. After a couple of minutes the male staff members looked in and had to pull me out to safety...the girl had pulled a huge chunk of hair out from the scalp. I had a bald spot on the side of my head about the size of my fist.

I was trained and until that day had been perfectly capable of getting myself out of similar situations unharmed. However, with my rape so fresh, when she pulled my hair I just completely froze. I think this is a pretty good example of how dissociation can prevent one from being able to defend themself. I will also add that to this day even the smallest, most playful tug at my hair by someone else will cause me to completely dissociate.

 

[anthony]

I will also add that to this day even the smallest, most playful tug at my hair by someone else will cause me to completely dissociate.

And if you see that as a problem, which I believe you may, then the way to correct it, not fix, but corrective action, is to repeat the process in a controlled environment, ie. friend or family members, spouse, etc... have them pull your hair intentionally and step away. First you put together a plan on how to respond, or try and respond. If you fail, which you likely may, then that is ok... but you go into it with a plan, and you do it until your hair is pulled time and time again without dissociating, because you change your response by exposure therapy in a controlled environment first.

It is the same as training for combat... its all done in a controlled environment first, you're not trained in a war zone itself. You get put into a war zone to test the skills, and often its found some respond well, others don't and need more exposure, or maybe they just need the first real time to get a realistic grasp on the process they have learnt... which usually comes from the assistance of someone beside them yelling at them until they respond, snapping them out of the dissociative state they have gone into.

 

[jadebear]

I just hope the cycle stops and my kids won't do the same with their kids.

Last night my sister told me she has done the same things I have, like attempting/threatening suicide in front of her kids, etc. We talked about all the things we have done/do that we're ashamed of, but are things we saw as kids. It was a little depressing to realize no matter how hard we tried not to, we ended up repeating the same things.

We always complain about the way things are for us, all the chaos and drama. But now it's easy to see why our lives are the way they are. And now our kids are repeating the same things.......we both have a kid that's in prison, both have kids that are either alcoholics or drug addicts, that are violent and out of control. It's gonna keep going and their kids will do the same....

How do we stop the cycle?

 

[anthony]

Unfortunately you can't stop the cycle if the child is an adult... unless you can pass reasoning to them that they understand, and that you also implement within your own life... even then... adult... hard to achieve unless they want to change... basically, monkey see, monkey do. That is how kids work. If kids are still young children or early adolescence, you have some chance to change behaviour before its too late for them by talking with them, accepting what is wrong, letting them know, lots and lots of talking about the problems and then solutions... then begin all putting those solutions into action. Action speaks louder than words.

 

[Nicolette]

How do we stop the cycle?

You have to recognize it and want to change it with a passion......while being willing to do all you can to make the changes however hard it may be. It takes baby steps and a lot of time; you can't just simply stop and change a lifetime of inbuilt second nature training.

 

[jadebear]

It takes baby steps and a lot of time; you can't just simply stop and change a lifetime of inbuilt second nature training.

Taking baby steps is the hard part. I wish I could just change everything now.

 

[Nicolette]

I wish I could just change everything now.

You are actually changing everything now with each baby step of a change of thought or trying something different and a willingness to get it out & deal with your past. The only thing is it will take time to see the big picture & see everything. You're doing well Jadebear.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Taking baby steps is the hard part. I wish I could just change everything now.

JB,
Think of it like a puzzle someone put together by just jamming all the pieces together. Then you look at it and it doesn't look like you thought it should, but you thought you had it together. Upon the realization that all the work you had done was all wrong. Now if you really want it all together so everything is as it should be; you have to bust it all apart, just like when you realize all you thought you had learned in life was right and learning otherwise broke YOU into pieces. Now the puzzle is in pieces on the floor. Just like you "all messed up" ;)(There! I fixed it!), but it still is a step forward to recovery. Now you are picking up everything, piece by piece. Carefully, gently putting it together the right way one by one. Some might drop, but more will stay in place. Eventually piece by piece it will get back together and this time you will see the picture as it should be!!!!

I don't know why but I just love analogies!!!:rolleyes:
Like it? Make sense?Or just a bunch of babble?

 

[jadebear]

Like it? Make sense?Or just a bunch of babble?

Yes, it makes sense and I like the analogy, well all except for the following part....

Just like you "all messed up"

Wow, thanks for the big boost to my self esteem.(*sarcasm*)

 

[WonderingWhy]

Oh Wow!!!!!!! I actually was thinking about Me and relating it to you!!!!:eek:

I didn't realize how that sounded.:oops:

I guess that could have been worded a bit lot better!!! Sorry I did NOT mean it like "that"

I think you know that? :( I hope you know that? Do you forgive me my blunder?:rolleyes: Puhlweeese???? lol

 

[WonderingWhy]

Yes, it makes sense and I like the analogy, well all except for the following part....

Wow, thanks for the big boost to my self esteem.(*sarcasm*)

Jadebear,

I fixed it!!!!! lol:cool: