You know what's interesting to me about your post is the 'violent'/"freeze'. I was relaying to my therapist how there had come one time only that I laid the law down with my mother, my understanding that I had never raised my hand to her ever, in spites of the times she had whipped out hand and slapped me for 'crossing one line or another' - undetermined, there never being any real boundaries set.
Short background: she had taken me on a trip with the divorce settlement she received from my father (I was hesitant to go for a few reasons at the time) and while we were on the cruise ship she got into one of her snits, she was notorious for. I kept a journal, had since I was very young, had even let her know this had caused me some issues with my last husband after he had first beaten me as I was trying to find a way to remove myself out, when he had found it, it was one of the ugliest times of my life. Even then, everything I had written was open and aired. I have never written anything that I ever thought to keep to myself, it was always a way to get the words outs.
That being said, I was out touring the ship when I returned to our room and I saw her rampantly reading through my journal, I saw nothing but red rage!! I was on her before I could draw a breath with my arm cocked back. I wanted to beat the daylights out of her!! She of all people knew the boundary crossing issues in my life, This is how she treats me after all I had done for her??? I believed in her, stuck with her when my brothers did not. I NEVER turned my back on her. I had bent over backwards to forgive her for her role in my abuses, her turning the other way, the abandonment, this little "we all clear now??" trip, the "quit your sniveling or I'll give it to you again" bullsh**.
I saw the terror in her eyes and it made me sick, I never wanted to be like "them", to be a monster, to hurt broker people. I knew I could but mostly I never wanted to. I was in my mid-twenties and working extremely hard on my rage and although, God knew she had somehow set even this up, I refused to go for it. I was not like them. Whatever sickness was in her, I was not playing. I just took my book back and walked out.
I do have the fight in me but I am not that monster, I do know that, no matter what. I will never hurt damaged people.
The problem I have is I can sense a monster, not a blow hard fool, a real monster. It's not my place, it could be better if I take a course on defense as Anthony suggested.
Sharing with my family helps so much, they were there, they KNOW. My kids know the rage, the fear, it's important in our family to talk about it. I have no idea if this helps. This is just one story.
It's work, it's exposing it and that is airing the stuff you think others won't understanding in some way. But I don't know how we are suppose to get the answers unless we do.
