Hi, everyone.....
I'm very glad to have found this site and to have found you. I hope I can both give and receive support here for my Complex PTSD.
I was severely abused as a child and teen, so much so that I started dissociating at a very young age. I didn't realize that I was dissociating, of course. I only knew that I was doing whatever it took in order to survive and to stay alive. Unfortunately, as an adult, the dissociating causes me to not be a "success" by the world's standards. I often feel terrified now, just as I felt terrified every day of my life for those 18 years growing up. My father used to threaten us with loaded guns often. He would shoot out our doors, garages, and then also just shoot randomly in the backyard. Sometimes the police would come. He was a raging alcoholic, and he was sadistic and cruel, especially to me. I can't remember a single day in my entire life while growing up that I felt loved. At all. In fact, he told me he hated me. I only remember feeling rejected, unwanted, lonely, sad, and as if I just wanted life to be over. I hoped God would just go ahead and "take me to heaven." I look back on that now and I am enraged at my "parents" (I use that term loosely) that as a child I had no sense of joy or adventure, but only a heavy burden of deep sadness, loneliness, terror, fear, dread, and confusion. No child should grow up feeling so bereft, so rejected, so abandoned, so unloved.
Anyway, I have read much about PTSD and Complex PTSD. I have many emotional flashbacks and I have many triggers. An emotional flashback, for those unfamiliar with the phrase, is a flashback that is not attached to a specific memory, but is more of a flashback to a time of trauma in which terror, shame, fear, shock, panic, and/or anger take over. I have had hundreds of those throughout my life.
My children are now grown. I recently completed school and will finally be able to work from home. That's a great help because I have a lot of anxiety and IBS issues, which makes working outside the home extremely difficult, if not impossible.
I have never felt that I had a parent, or any adult in my life who loved me, guided me, supported me, encouraged me, or even knew me. Unfortunately, my parents moved us all over the country about every 6 months and I went to 15 different schools. We had few relatives. There was never a sense of connection or continuity in my life. I guess it's no wonder I feel so fragmented inside.
I think the only reason I have survived at all is that I am very smart and I am deeply sensitive and caring and empathic. I do care about others, but there are very few people in the world that I trust or care to open up to.
I have been betrayed more times than I can count. I have been sexually molested, raped by a stranger, beaten, used as a surrogate parent and a housekeeper by both parents, lied to, lied about, mocked, bullied at school and at home, sadistically abused psychologically and verbally by my father, hated, maligned, rejected, abandoned, and despised.
And, yet, I still love. I am not a hard person. Not at all. I never return evil for evil. I don't know why, really. I have every reason to, I think. But it is not in me. I guess that is the only reason I can still live on this planet. I do think nature is beautiful and I do think there is some good in the world. But I have to say that most of my life I never felt as if I fit.........anywhere. I used to wonder if I was even "real." I used to wonder how a parent could be so cruel to a little child. I still wonder.
I hurt inside every day. Every single day. I grieve. Finally, I am grieving because I have been in therapy and I am trying so hard to not live in a dissociative state. But coming to terms with just how terribly I was abused is extremely hard. It's pain upon pain upon pain. Feeling unwanted and rejected hurts. I think what hurts the most is realizing how much I loved my parents when I was little, and I would be so confused as to why they were so mean.
Anyway, I cannot wait until life is over. No, I'm not at all actively suicidal. I've been wishing life would be over since my earliest memories, actually.......around the age of 4 or 5. Life as I saw it and experienced it was nothing but a never-ending series of cruel words, slaps, belt beatings, screaming, yelling, being threatened with loaded guns, sexual molestation, betrayal, hurt, pain, and sadness. What child wants to keep living when that's all they ever see?
Sometimes I'm amazed I've made it to this age. I'm not young any longer. I look young, or so I'm told, but inside I feel like a very, very "old soul." I think I felt like an old soul even when I was a little girl.
Thanks for reading. I have just written as honestly and authentically as I can. I have shared my pain, but I hope to also share my joys and successes, too. It's just that the pain is so raw, you know, and it screams out to be heard.
I think it is hell on earth to not be heard. Or seen. Or known.
Peace to you.
I'm very glad to have found this site and to have found you. I hope I can both give and receive support here for my Complex PTSD.
I was severely abused as a child and teen, so much so that I started dissociating at a very young age. I didn't realize that I was dissociating, of course. I only knew that I was doing whatever it took in order to survive and to stay alive. Unfortunately, as an adult, the dissociating causes me to not be a "success" by the world's standards. I often feel terrified now, just as I felt terrified every day of my life for those 18 years growing up. My father used to threaten us with loaded guns often. He would shoot out our doors, garages, and then also just shoot randomly in the backyard. Sometimes the police would come. He was a raging alcoholic, and he was sadistic and cruel, especially to me. I can't remember a single day in my entire life while growing up that I felt loved. At all. In fact, he told me he hated me. I only remember feeling rejected, unwanted, lonely, sad, and as if I just wanted life to be over. I hoped God would just go ahead and "take me to heaven." I look back on that now and I am enraged at my "parents" (I use that term loosely) that as a child I had no sense of joy or adventure, but only a heavy burden of deep sadness, loneliness, terror, fear, dread, and confusion. No child should grow up feeling so bereft, so rejected, so abandoned, so unloved.
Anyway, I have read much about PTSD and Complex PTSD. I have many emotional flashbacks and I have many triggers. An emotional flashback, for those unfamiliar with the phrase, is a flashback that is not attached to a specific memory, but is more of a flashback to a time of trauma in which terror, shame, fear, shock, panic, and/or anger take over. I have had hundreds of those throughout my life.
My children are now grown. I recently completed school and will finally be able to work from home. That's a great help because I have a lot of anxiety and IBS issues, which makes working outside the home extremely difficult, if not impossible.
I have never felt that I had a parent, or any adult in my life who loved me, guided me, supported me, encouraged me, or even knew me. Unfortunately, my parents moved us all over the country about every 6 months and I went to 15 different schools. We had few relatives. There was never a sense of connection or continuity in my life. I guess it's no wonder I feel so fragmented inside.
I think the only reason I have survived at all is that I am very smart and I am deeply sensitive and caring and empathic. I do care about others, but there are very few people in the world that I trust or care to open up to.
I have been betrayed more times than I can count. I have been sexually molested, raped by a stranger, beaten, used as a surrogate parent and a housekeeper by both parents, lied to, lied about, mocked, bullied at school and at home, sadistically abused psychologically and verbally by my father, hated, maligned, rejected, abandoned, and despised.
And, yet, I still love. I am not a hard person. Not at all. I never return evil for evil. I don't know why, really. I have every reason to, I think. But it is not in me. I guess that is the only reason I can still live on this planet. I do think nature is beautiful and I do think there is some good in the world. But I have to say that most of my life I never felt as if I fit.........anywhere. I used to wonder if I was even "real." I used to wonder how a parent could be so cruel to a little child. I still wonder.
I hurt inside every day. Every single day. I grieve. Finally, I am grieving because I have been in therapy and I am trying so hard to not live in a dissociative state. But coming to terms with just how terribly I was abused is extremely hard. It's pain upon pain upon pain. Feeling unwanted and rejected hurts. I think what hurts the most is realizing how much I loved my parents when I was little, and I would be so confused as to why they were so mean.
Anyway, I cannot wait until life is over. No, I'm not at all actively suicidal. I've been wishing life would be over since my earliest memories, actually.......around the age of 4 or 5. Life as I saw it and experienced it was nothing but a never-ending series of cruel words, slaps, belt beatings, screaming, yelling, being threatened with loaded guns, sexual molestation, betrayal, hurt, pain, and sadness. What child wants to keep living when that's all they ever see?
Sometimes I'm amazed I've made it to this age. I'm not young any longer. I look young, or so I'm told, but inside I feel like a very, very "old soul." I think I felt like an old soul even when I was a little girl.
Thanks for reading. I have just written as honestly and authentically as I can. I have shared my pain, but I hope to also share my joys and successes, too. It's just that the pain is so raw, you know, and it screams out to be heard.
I think it is hell on earth to not be heard. Or seen. Or known.
Peace to you.
Last edited by a moderator:
