DID Dissociative identity - creating alters for other people

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah.

For the most part. I will still feel "me" somewhere there (like the lunar eclipse and you see like 5% of the moon), but I will feel suffocated by the personality that is "overshadowing" me. There´ll be a struggle between the will of the overshadowing personality and my own but when it does manage to "get in my head" I feel basically defenseless against it.

It hasn´t taken over my actions entirely though. Back when this happened with the "persona" of my dad, it wanted me to commit suicide but I did not do it. It just kept telling me all this garbage from the past (I was full of shit etc) and it rejoiced in my being diminished and my struggling against it.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Hmm, so it's like some sort of an outside person nudging you towards some action, let's say, telling you to do it, and similar? I mean, it's something outside pushing you to something?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah exactly. Except it´s not an outisde actual person but a person that I made up and which is overshadowing my own agency :banghead: :wacky:

 

[Deleted member 28403]

This is some solid ground to stand on now. I get something similar, but it's voices I hear. They are intrusive, and they sort of do have personality. Anything like that?

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

Yeah it´s a lot like that. I don´t hear voices or see anything, but I will get this very intense feeling of being overpowered by someone else (the persona). And yes incredibly intrusive. The more you fight it, the stronger they get. For me (last time it got that bad) the answer was to ground myself (since the whole thing is a process in my brain that can be terminated by returning to reality...)

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Well, its good that you can ground yourself :hug: I guess, practice grounding out of it, and try to make them less efficient, rise your personality strength. You have some wolves battling in you, and the one that you feed the most will win :hug: Also, sorry for forgetting to press reply for many minutes

 

[Sideways]

That milestone didn't go unnoticed. For whatever reason, the sadism element is the hardest part for me to shift from the Denial Box. Just saying "there was a bit of sadism to it..." (understatement!) is really hard to admit to, even just silently to myself. And it helps soooo much to see someone else put it out there and survive. The words are excruciating, but they don't actually kill you. Thank you a LOT for that:)

Sorry - quote function meltdown. That was an aside to @shimmerz post

 

[shimmerz]

The more you fight it, the stronger they get

Hmmm, this is a really important posting for me, although I didn't recognize it until this statement. For the narcissists in my life this gives me pause and I wonder..... am I giving it to them or are they taking it from me. Like, is this an externalization that I am projecting to others... because of my lack of knowing SELF? And is this the programmed way that I feel and therefore do I actually NEED people to be like this so I can relate in the way I was groomed to?

Maybe nobody understands that but me, but I can see how I externalize like this. Just in a different way.... I do it with my dealings with people, not inanimate objects. I can see how inanimate objects would be safer to do this with.... if I am seeing this properly.

@Saelben , really good teasing of the real issues here. Super helpful, thank you.

versus buying 100 and never really connecting

Yes, for me this is 'kitchen stuff' and I trigger out hugely over kitchens. I wonder if there was some sort of transference there somehow. Making objects in the kitchen important to my safety, so the more I can surround myself with, the 'safer' and more control I have? Again, no idea if I am following the thoughts pattern here and I seem to have 'clicked' into some train of thought for myself that may or may not be the same as what we are speaking of.

That was an aside to @shimmerz post

Yes. This was a huge step for me. I remember another PTSD sufferer talking about how her father 'bumped' her into a door (she really downplayed it) and that the door broke. I pointed out that it was minimization (unless she weighed 1000 lbs) and have tried really hard to label shit in a way that displayed realistically, the matter of the abuse. I usually have to see a picture of it with someone else experiencing it first and label it then, then bring it into me.

 

[Anarchy]

Reading along with hugs and a bit of "getting it"

I've certainly attributed imaginary qualities to real people.

I wasn't practicing mindfulness at the time, so instead of grounding, I set other imaginary versions of the person loose in my head. that was a seriously bad idea, as I was thinking about them even more.

I've also deliberately associated songs and other reminders in the environment with people who I've obsessed over. I think I've de-fused them all now.

I've not been "possessed", but I'm guessing that I've been on that path.

 

[Chava]

I´ll take the example of this Wizard guy (some guy I had a huge attachment issue to). I grew incredibly attached to him because he approached me with the air of a protective parent and I fell into that trap (he did not set that trap on purpose, but it was a trap nevertheless, for me). His "real" personality moved on when things didn´t work out between us and I felt so abandoned by the guy that it caused me to self harm. This was three years ago.

Yeah, I've done this a bit. I wouldn't go so far as to say I give them an extra personality. But I've clung to objects that reminded me of certain people. These people are always some kind of possible attachment figure. Weirdly I distance myself because I don't ever know how the f*ck to make relationships work very well...I get really excited + freaked out if someone seems to care about me... I distance myself and in my distance I seem to create a better version of the relationship, where I can't f*ck it up, because I'm not really there. And then it fades over time for me.

I haven't done this with many people. But I got in contact with an old friend...had been hanging onto this perfect view of him (and that amazing-weird feeling of being "real" for a while around him and freaking out and disappearing). Then realized years later, in real life, I discovered he was sort of annoying. But I had to stop thinking of him like he didn't exist. It wasn't the sort of relationship that ended badly. I could just look him up and call him. But to some extent I think I relate to what you are saying. For me it's attachment stuff and also feeling safer "in" relationships when I'm actually physically separated from them. I feel like I have less of this sort of thing going on, but I still distance myself...and am more just attaching to objects, like I do...

 

[Deleted member 28403]

Yes. This was a huge step for me. I remember another PTSD sufferer talking about how her father 'bumped' her into a door (she really downplayed it) and that the door broke. I pointed out that it was minimization (unless she weighed 1000 lbs) and have tried really hard to label shit in a way that displayed realistically, the matter of the abuse. I usually have to see a picture of it with someone else experiencing it first and label it then, then bring it into me.

I totally get that!

Though, I don't get it why I judge myself and others in different lights. If it happens to someone else, I take it seriously, but when it comes to me, I assume I should be able to deal with everything without any support, and feel extremely guilty if anyone helps me... Also, :hug:s and congrats on saying that sadism is sadism :)

 

[shimmerz]

Also, :hug:s and congrats on saying that sadism is sadism :)

Thanks @Saelben. I appreciate that. So much work..... everyone asks what I do all day. This is what I do. Really hard to describe to other people (besides yourselves). I am so sorry that you understand this.

I think due to my attachment stuff, I make a relationship 'closer' than it should be. So the same rules apply except I trust people more than I should rather than focus on inanimate objects. Same difference though. I can see where I make a relationship to someone different than it actually is so that it can fit with my need to make my dealings safe --- although delusionally so. This posting has helped me to reverse engineer this. Thank you!