Relationship Distance In Relationship...normal?

[Optimistic]

Hi, I briefly introduced myself in the welcome area but I'm hoping for some help/advice about something in particular.

I have to apologise for the length of this but I felt the need to give some background and detail...

I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years - we met online (I'm from the UK and she's from Europe) and clicked right away. We knew we were in love before we met and when she came for a visit to meet me after 2-3 months of us talking online, she stayed. It felt like a perfect relationship - everything felt so easy and natural and it felt, and still does feel, to me, like we are perfect for each other.

However, there started to be times when there seemed to be some distance between us...this started happening just over a year ago...she started to go through periods of getting very down and has done ever since. However, even within these periods, there are up times as well...the best way I can describe it is a constant emotional rollercoaster, with varying degrees of climbs and descents.

Even though it has caused some issues with us, we always seemed to get through these periods and even become stronger. Last year was very difficult though as, although there were a good few highs and great times, she was also clearly on a downward spiral. She felt she needed to see her family and went home with a few days notice, for a week. This seemed to make things worse as she found it difficult to leave them (she has a very strong bond with her sister's kids and has always said she misses them a lot, but not so much anything else from home).

This was the worst I had seen her - she was very depressed and distant and when I asked, she told me she loved me but wasn't sure she was still IN love with me. However, during the highs and good times, it seemed clear to me (& I think to her) that she was still in love with me and still wanted to spend her life with me.

We finally got her to the doctor (she didn't feel able or like she wanted to before), as we actually thought she might be bipolar. The doc referred her to a psychiatrist, who she saw about 6 weeks ago - he diagnosed her with PTSD (& depression) and has referred her to a psychology team for therapy but the waiting list is about 3 months long.

She is 33 and there are apparently a few different things that caused it, mostly in her childhood, but also in her adult life. It isn't clear yet how long she has actually had it as she hasn't started any therapy yet and we are both still trying to learn about it.

Since our first trip to the doctor - the beginning of facing and dealing with things - things had started to improve between us and any distance that was there, became less and less...I was beginning to understand her and her ways more and to deal with stuff better than I used to. By Christmas, it felt like things were almost back to normal...we were close and acting and feeling in love...it felt great and exciting and like it did in the first few months of our relationship and I felt at the time, that even though we would have tough times ahead, we were properly back on track with our relationship and we would be fine.And I was getting signals that she felt the same way.
However, at New Year, she was going home for a week to see her family...she didn't feel she wanted to go, said she would miss me, didn't want to leave me, told me when she did go that she loved me more than anything and cried as the plane took off. But as the week went on, a change took place - she told me she missed living there and it was possible she might want to live there again some day. She was distraught at coming back and although she seemed at times to be happy to be back and see me, she was largely very down.
I was gutted at the change that had occurred within a few days...and since then, we have talked a lot - her head is so full and she is so confused and she says she just doesn't know anything...she knows she loves me but doesn't know in what way, she doesn't know what she wants far in the future any more, but still talks about our future at certain times. We have always talked about getting married some day and it was always like it was a certainty...until things started getting bad last year...but then when things were great before xmas, she started mentioning it again. But now she says she feels like this isn't a normal relationship at the moment - almost like we're more like superbest friends - and says she felt like that before xmas. She tells me she loves me every day and she shows it as well - she says she loves me more than anything and would do anything for me, sometimes when she kisses me, it's out of habit but then there are times when it's so much more than that...she hugs me and holds me and generally acts, much of the time, like my girlfriend...more than a (superbest) friend...When I say to her that this happened before, she says it's not the same as last time...although to me, it feels the same as it did then.

She says she doesn't know if her not knowing anything for sure is down to the PTSD but knows she doesn't want to make any drastic decisions until she is able to think clearly and know some things for sure.

This is obviously very difficult and very confusing for me...I know that it is even more so for her and I am as understanding and supportive as I can be of her...I'm not pressuring her to make any decisions and I have told her that either way, no matter what happens, I will always be there for her.

I love her so much and I love our life together...I love the thought of us being together forever and hate the thought of us being apart. Until recently, I thought she felt the same way and it's nothing short of gut-wrenching to hear otherwise...

So I'm hoping that there might be some people out there - sufferers or supporters - who can give me some sort of idea if this change of feelings is likely to be real or if it is common to PTSD sufferers...if it is familiar to others and part of this condition and therefore going to change again as she gets better...

I have some great friends who know about her condition and I can talk to but not about this specific subject...they don't understand her and the condition enough for me to feel comfortable going into this much detail about my fears of losing her.

To anyone with the staying power to have read this to the end, thanks for listening!

Optimistic

 

[Pencil]

This sounds more like the pattern gay relationships seem to follow, rather than PTSD-specific. Sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear.

 

[kahlan]

Check the stress cup model on the site. Everyone has stress, good and bad. Add PTSD to the mix and there gets too much for the cup to handle. A lot of times love relationships can be put on back burner until the other stresses come down, becaus more energy needs to be focused on other stresses. Use the apart time to work on you and things you enjoy.

Its never easy but this is a good place to come to help get a better.perspective or even vent when it causes you distress as well :)

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I was going to say that it sounds to me, at first appearance, like she doesn't sound like she wants the relationship and doesn't know how to shut it down.

Then I saw @Pencil's post and then, maybe it is about confusion?

It doesn't sound PTSD specific to me either, but I know that not everyone is the same.

Relationships, when the honeymoon phase wears off, it takes hard, hard work. There are ebs and flows, but when TWO people really want the relationship, they will do whatever it takes to get through the bumps in the road--mental illness or not.

You will not always feel that fuzzy puppy love feeling. And that is where some people either give up because they don't understand that about life, or because they just don't want the relationship.

Love is a choice. It's an action. It's a 2 way street, always. This is the only way that it grows and matures into real love. It cannot sustain without it.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I edited to break up paragraphs and add a few more things.

And to answer your question. Yes, distance in relationships are normal. Distance in any relationship is normal. It's all a part of the eb and flow. It sounds like you may already understand that. So, I will tell you that it really does sound like either she does not, and that's the reason for her confusion, or it's because she no longer wants the relationship and isn't healthy enough to be honest with you.

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. I hope you will find ways to cope and some peace soon.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I'm sorry I keep editing. I just did again. I should really wait until I re-read and think longer before clicking submit.

 

[Julesnaz]

I wonder what's happening at her family's house. From what you said she seems to back away when she comes back.

 

[kahlan]

It is also possible , as others have stated that she's no longer that into the relationship, however only she can tell you that. Whatever the case I wish you the best :)

 

[Optimistic]

Thanks for your reply, kahlan...could you point me in the direction of the stress cup model? I'm still trying to find my around the site..

StrongerNow...thanks for this...I'm aware of everything you said and these different possibilities but it's the amount of confusion coming from her about lots of different things that's leading to my complete confusion about what's really going on...we've had two fantastic weekends together in the last couple of weeks, doing things we enjoy in a part of the country we would both like to live and she has been talking about our future together again...but she says she wishes she could split herself in two sometimes.
She seems so mixed up and a lot of what she says and does contradicts other things she says...

 

[Optimistic]

Julesnaz...her family life is complex - it's where a lot of her traumas stem from so she has very mixed feelings about being there.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

In that case, maybe it is about going away and coming back from her family? You said she hasn't started any therapy yet. Is it possible to get it any sooner? It could really make all of the difference.

Has she shared with you any discussions she has with them about your relationship? Have you met any of them?

 

[Optimistic]

I think it is about that and everything - like there is just too much going on in her head, without the tools to process any of it - current stuff or previous trauma stuff...that's why finding this stress cup model could be useful.

We are trying to get her help sooner but don't have the money to go private.

I know her family quite well - we've visited a couple of times together and some of them have been here to visit. We all get on well - they have welcomed me into the family and although they miss her terribly, they want her to be happy, wherever that turns out to be.