Relationship Distancing Behaviors After Sexual Intimacy

[LuckyStars]

My SO is a 29 year old army vet with three deployments to Iraq under his belt. He divorced his wife of 11 years almost 2 years ago because he found out that she had cheated while he was deployed. He decided not to re-enlist a little over a year ago and was diagnosed with PTSD shortly after.

We have been in an exclusive relationship for the past 8 months. I made him wait about 4 months for sex even though he told me that he was very in love with me almost immediately. (After dating for about a month) We have had sex maybe 4-5 times, but after sex he becomes very distant, almost cold and withdrawn.

He is very honest, as far as I know, and always tells me the truth. But, I have had to go as long as a month without hearing from him before. He seems to have a major fear of intimacy from my perception of the detaching that he does after we are physical. I've done so much research and have not found any information that helps me to understand his distancing behaviour after sexual intimacy, or any tips on how I can support him or myself when this happens. It was very shocking, confusing and painful the first couple of times. The first time he literally disappeared for a month. When he finally did contact me, he was very apologetic and explained that it was his PTSD and that he had withdrawn from everyone in his life including his family and friends. He said that he wasn't able to sleep and had been having a very tough time.

I forgave him, felt the need to learn as much as I could in order to be supportive and to help myself to be better prepared in the event that he had another episode. The second time, instead of disappearing for a whole month, it was just about a week. Then, he told me that he wasn't happy and that we should just be friends. I was hurt. But, I think that I was just relieved that he was upfront that time. We tried the friend thing, but still felt very much in love. We ended up having sex again after about a month of the platonic relationship. That, of course, resulted in more distancing. He acted distant... barely responding to my efforts to initiate any kind of conversation. He was almost cold and kind of acted a little annoyed when we spoke. I remember wondering if his feelings for me had totally changed.

After a couple of months of letting him do all of the initiating, we were talking a lot about our feelings for each other and he always expressed how amazing he felt I was and how he had never been so in love before. Eventually, we decided to try the relationship again. We made love, and of course, it happened again. He pulled away and I told him that I could tell that he wasn't happy and asked if he would be more comfortable as friends again. He jumped at that arrangement so quickly that I was kind of hurt and insulted. I know that that's silly. But, it felt like such rejection. I guess I didn't expect him to be so eager to be free of me.

So, in doing my research, I've run across this forum a few times. I really appreciate the community and sharing that you guys do. I've searched the site time and time again, but have yet to find any specifics similar to my situation. Have any of you dealt with a vet with no known history of sexual abuse, but with such intimacy issues? He has no lack of drive for sex. I would understand that better. It just seems like we will be intimate, he will passionately tell me how much he loves me all throughout the act, then become so distant.

As I type this post, I haven't heard from him in a week, and I know that I have sent him at least 4 texts in the last 7-8 days that he has just ignored. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

 

[dms]

Hello, Welcome to the forum. Your story is my story. My vet is my best friend. When he is well he spoils me, however he isolates every time we get really really close too. It hurts like HELL! You must decide if you can deal with it or not. I spend a lot personal time with GOD, my family, in therapy, and I take my meds because I also have PTSD, abandonment and co-dependecy issues of my own. You have to find your own support system if you intend to stay with your vet. I feel alone A lot but the forum helps me heal. I'm not healthy enough to be in a new relationship. I've tried to date others but I either got hurt or hurt others because of MY issues. Good Luck.

 

[LuckyStars]

Thank you very much for your response dms. I appreciate your well wishes and hope and pray that things work out for you and your loved one as well. Like you, I try to date some as a distractor for the pain. But, my heart belongs to my vet. So, I never let other guys get close enough to hurt me, or for me to hurt them. I tell them up front that I only want a friend to hang out with sometimes. Besides that, I can't bring myself to let anyone else touch me. I have also realized recently that I suffer from abandonment issues, which makes the distancing that he does way more painful to me than it probably would be for someone without those issues. So, I understand you in that regard too. God bless you. I am a firm believer that the universe brings people together that can provide situations that will be the most conducive for the healing that they need. He told me right before this last disappearance that he has faith that everything will work out for us in the end and that it's all about timing. I hope so. I just don't want to be naive.

 

[Barberian]

Sufferer, and man's point of view (mine).

In my opinion, because I don't know him, is that his distancing is a form of self protection. Men and women are wired differently as I'm sure you know. PTSD rewires people even more. Intimacy, if it's genuine means dropping all your defenses. Being in a combat zone, just to survive mentally and physically you HAVE to have your mental defenses at MAX continuously all day and night every day for months to years on end. It becomes not only a habit, but a necessity. Dropping these mental defenses to be emotionally not only "close" with someone, but intimate leaves a combat vet, a man, feeling extremely vulnerable. Something that scares the bejeezus out of your typical man, even the best of us, especially a combat vet. To a combat vet, vulnerability = death. I hope this sheds some light on what may be going on in his head.

I suggest, if he isn't already, that he seeks mental health counseling. The VA offers free mental health counseling to veterans if they have a service connected disability. If he hasn't already been awarded a disability rating from the VA, I STRONGLY suggest that he apply for one. Even if he is rated at 0% he can then get free medical and psychiatric help related to his disability (PTSD) from the VA.

A sexual therapist who has experience with combat PTSD, not just sexual or other PTSD might be helpful. I know there is some issues with some members in the PTSD community about combat PTSD being different than other forms, but, in fact, it is. Just like a man will NEVER understand what it is like for a woman to get raped, someone who hasn't been in a combat zone will never understand it. PTSD is PTSD though, just the cause and triggers are different. I am not saying one or the other is "better", or "worse".

Unfortunately the VA has a hit and miss track record. If he doesn't like his first shrink, encourage him to seek a different one. If he has to go through the whole department to find one he is comfortable with, do so. Patience of a Saint with the VA is a necessity.

I hope things improve for the two of you. Best of luck.

 

[LuckyStars]

Thank you so much, Barberian. This really helped me. It makes a lot of sense, and even though I kind of know this (in theory) it does me so much good to see it in black and white from a male sufferer's point of view... Especially since I can not ask him and get such a clear answer. I appreciate you! Blessings to you.

 

[LuckyStars]

Oh. I forgot to include that he is in therapy through his VA benefits. But, he says that he hates it because his therapist pushes him to talk about things that he doesn't want to talk about and he feels that she doesn't understand and judges him. I would think that that would be a normal reaction with any therapist that is trying to bring things out of someone that doesn't want to deal with certain memories and emotions, right? When he feels comfortable talking to me again, should I inquire about his relationship with his therapist, and suggest him finding a new one? I never bring up anything that has to do with his PTSD, his combat experiences, or his therapy. That's because Im not his therapist and I feel like if he wanted to talk to me about those things, he would bring them up. But, I am certainly willing to help in any way that I can.

 

[Barberian]

Anthony, the owner of this site has another one for combat veterans ONLY. (people who have served in the military regardless of branch of service or country in a combat zone) Link ---> My Combat PTSD.

My Combat PTSD

It has a lot of vets on it who have gone through similar situations and are more than willing to help those who seek it. They have a lot of experience in dealing with PTSD, life, love, the universe, etc... Vets from the Vietnam War to today. You might suggest he check it out. It's a little rougher than this site because... that's just the nature of most service members who have served in general and especially in combat zones.

He can request another shrink if he wants to with the VA. He will have to most likely fill out a form saying why he wants to change shrinks, then an appointment will be made with the new one. It unfortunately, is no guarantee that the new one will be any better though. He may need to go through the whole department before he finds a good one. Asking others in the waiting room if they would recommend their shrink is a good way to find a good one, then request that shrink.

If his current shrink is making him uncomfortable, it's important that he raises this issue with him/her to see if a solution can be met. Sometimes the shrinks don't know they are doing something that is unacceptable to the patient. It's not a one size fits all and the shrinks sometimes don't realize it unless they are told.

I had to put my shrink on the spot just last month and tell him a few things he was doing were making me very angry. Since then it seems to be going better.

If your interested in talking with him about his PTSD etc... He may want to talk with you about it, but because you haven't raised the issue he may be afraid you will judge him or not want to hear what he has to say about his service. Some service members had to do some really horrible things, it was a war after all. May I suggest you simply ask him if he is comfortable talking about it with you, and any limits or off limit topics. Sometimes a time limit on the conversation helps keep it from becoming too overwhelming for him, maybe 15 min. can help too. Some shrinks will let you sit in on the session if the vet is ok with it. You can either just sit there and listen or participate in the conversation. Ground rules should be set before the session.

I hope I stayed on topic and didn't ramble too much. I'm having a hard time concentrating right now.

 

[LuckyStars]

Thank you, sir. :) Your answers and suggestions are very helpful. I think you're very clever. Gratitude.