Diving into flashbacks head first

[Brunhilde]

Hi, I'm new here. My issues stem from childhood abuse and neglect, as well as parental abandonment.

Anyway, I went to a 3 day event in July that I had never been to, working one on one with a clinician (riding horses). I didn't suspect it at the time, but it threw me into some severe flashbacks/dissociation as the clinician reminded me of my stepdad. My most severe beating came after talking to my stepdad while I was out brushing my horse, my mom was the abuser. So apparently being around horses AND men with mustaches was just too much.

But I went back to the event for all 3 days and I lived through it! I dove into it knowing it was going to happen on days 2 and 3, and I lived. Now, the same clinician is coming back at the end of the month, and I signed up for another 3 days.

I want to know, has anyone elected to dive into something head first that you KNOW will trigger flashbacks, and tried to use it as an opportunity for growth? Can I actually do this?

Thanks,
B

 

[ShodokanJenn]

B,
I do this most weeks in therapy. We deliberately revisit memories, which are recounted in present tense as if they are happening right at that moment. We do this until they no longer invoke involuntary panic and dissociation. My T keeps me present during the appointments, but afterward a lot of times the flashbacks are intense. When he first proposed this approach to me, I told him he was absolutely nuts. But I tried it. And the truth is it's horrible to go through, but it DOES work. There are things I used to have daily flashbacks of that I haven't had a single one of in over a year. There's so much trauma in my life that we are hitting the "high points" instead of tackling everything. I do exposure work at home too. We have a trauma narrative document that we share on Google Docs. I read through whatever part of the narrative we are working on, out loud, repeatedly for 15 minutes each day. It's intense, it triggers intense feelings and flashbacks, but by tackling them this way, I get to be the one who controls when they happen, and each day they get just a tiny bit less intense.

 

[Brunhilde]

I am thinking I might need to find a T to work with short term and see if I can get through this next event in one piece and process it as well as possible. I tend to get myself thrown out of therapy due to "anger issues", so not really wanting another T. But maybe it is necessary for now?

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@Brunhilde , do you think it's possible to find a T who will not only address this next event, but will also help you learn to manage your anger? Just a thought. I totally understand if that's not something you want to do right now. We aren't ready for healing in every area of life. One thing at a time is more than enough.

 

[Brunhilde]

@ShodokanJenn - I think there has to be a T out there somewhere that is good at working with anger issues. I am really not sure how to find one. Doesn't help being in a rural area with limited resources. I have been 20+ sessions in with different Ts twice now and get told they can't work with me if I don't trust them. Well, yeah, a ton of my issues are about trust and if a T can't sit with me thru my distrust and anger issues, then it can't work. So I have been staying out in the wild :) for a few years now, journaling, meditating, and doing my best.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

I hear you, @Brunhilde - I too live in a very rural area. I drive an hour each way to see my therapist. It's got to be so difficult to be told they can't work with you if you don't trust them. It took me YEARS to develop trust with mine. For so many of us, distrust is a huge factor. It's not something we simply decide to do. It's something that takes a lot of time and patience. We have learned that putting our trust in others is not safe. For some of us, this belief is so intense that it sends us into fight-flight-freeze-fawn mode. We literally behave as if our life is in danger. If asked later if our life was truly in danger, I'm sure we'd say, "Of course not." But in the heat of the moment it really feels like it is.

Good on you for not giving up on healing. Journaling, meditating, and simply doing your best are all things that can definitely aid the healing process. So is posting and responding here on the forum. I hope that some day, you are able to find the patient, trustworthy therapist that can handle your distrust and anger. The T's you saw only reinforced the distrust you have. Surely, in 20+ appointments, you had started to at least feel a little bit comfortable with them, and maybe even allowed yourself to have hope that they'd help you. That's real progress, and it shouldn't have been dismissed the way it was.