Well I posted a few months ago about husband asking for divorce while deeply depressed/triggered/untreated state...we have 12 years and 4 kids- you all gave me great wisdom and as you advised I asked him to wait, and you encouraged me to be the mama bear for my kids and let him do him, since I can’t help him anyway.....well, he definitely did not get any better and wouldn’t wait, and filed for divorce. Cut out his family, won’t talk to old battle buddies. Only one brother in law (also military) and mom get some talking in with him.
Now even though he has said how he wants to sever emotional ties with us all, has been suicidal, has felt continuous depression even with meds (and didn’t change them to my knowledge) driving drunk, cut back on therapy instead of adding more (as he said he moved out to have time to heal and address issues more), still drinking (not sure if still on Prozac or not), angry outburst and extreme impatience, didn’t want the kids to see him not in his right mind, showing up when he wants to (way past bedtime), cancelling last minute on kids then credit card shows brewery...all these uncertainties in his treatment which he says is none of my business and he is just fine... but now is making a big deal about custody (45-55 split including weekends alone in a 1-BR with kids age 2-9 who never have been away from me a stay at home mom) even though he couldn’t wait to get away from us a few months ago. None of it makes sense. He said himself it was too much.
I look at the way we were at least partly communicating a few months ago before he moved out, and don’t know what caused this overnight switch. He moved out for time to work on himself then two weeks later said he needs divorce to solve his depression...went into divorce-talk only mode and refuses to see why I might have reservations about him caring for the kids solo with all his issues. And not like he was a very present dad before all this either, worked late, traveled, etc.- all those years of being numb, drinking, and avoiding being with his family I guess I missed the PTSD he hid so well. The divorce is being rushed and he’s not clearly thinking and I feel like I can’t even have time to mourn losing him because he is replaced by this other monster who I have to deal with divorce issues and him not been consistent with kids or showing up when he wants, etc. He doesn’t even want to mention divorce and sit kids down until the custody arrangement is final (wtf sense does that make). I would’ve done anything and still try to include him in school events, weekend time, all here at our house...and he just thinks I’m controlling.
I do have a lawyer. We should be going to mediation soon, date not yet set. He won’t communicate anything with me but doesn’t want to do mediation (county-mandated anyway so oh well).
I DO want him to be part of their lives. I tried to ask him to hold off on divorce until he was better, I really want the best friendliest outcome- if it has to end so be it but he is still treating me horribly, I don’t know how we can agree on anything to effectively coparent. I have serious reservations about the children’s amount of time solo with him and how he has zero support system here. I do think he needs to not drink while they’re in his care because he isn’t nice when he does, as well as get some serious therapy (he cut from weekly to every other when he moved out late July, not sure if he goes at al anymore). Can I ask for some proof of that (alcohol)? His counselor isn’t addressing his drinking at all even with Prozac prescription (maybe he just lies about his drinking to her).
Anyway, it’s an absolute mess - if anyone has some positive vibes, prayers, whatever you can to send my way I’ll take it all. Both my family, and his, and old army friends and new neighbors have been outstanding support for me through this ugliness. I’ll take any thoughts of legal advice too. Or thoughts/experiences that I can take into consideration.
This was lengthy... thank you if you made it this far. I can’t say enough thanks for the comfort knowing I’m not alone in these experiences and thoughts, he makes me question my own sanity and if I’m making the best decisions or selfish controlling ones, but when I read from all of you I know I am doing my best for my kids now, and still trying to help him too. Wish he could see it.
Now even though he has said how he wants to sever emotional ties with us all, has been suicidal, has felt continuous depression even with meds (and didn’t change them to my knowledge) driving drunk, cut back on therapy instead of adding more (as he said he moved out to have time to heal and address issues more), still drinking (not sure if still on Prozac or not), angry outburst and extreme impatience, didn’t want the kids to see him not in his right mind, showing up when he wants to (way past bedtime), cancelling last minute on kids then credit card shows brewery...all these uncertainties in his treatment which he says is none of my business and he is just fine... but now is making a big deal about custody (45-55 split including weekends alone in a 1-BR with kids age 2-9 who never have been away from me a stay at home mom) even though he couldn’t wait to get away from us a few months ago. None of it makes sense. He said himself it was too much.
I look at the way we were at least partly communicating a few months ago before he moved out, and don’t know what caused this overnight switch. He moved out for time to work on himself then two weeks later said he needs divorce to solve his depression...went into divorce-talk only mode and refuses to see why I might have reservations about him caring for the kids solo with all his issues. And not like he was a very present dad before all this either, worked late, traveled, etc.- all those years of being numb, drinking, and avoiding being with his family I guess I missed the PTSD he hid so well. The divorce is being rushed and he’s not clearly thinking and I feel like I can’t even have time to mourn losing him because he is replaced by this other monster who I have to deal with divorce issues and him not been consistent with kids or showing up when he wants, etc. He doesn’t even want to mention divorce and sit kids down until the custody arrangement is final (wtf sense does that make). I would’ve done anything and still try to include him in school events, weekend time, all here at our house...and he just thinks I’m controlling.
I do have a lawyer. We should be going to mediation soon, date not yet set. He won’t communicate anything with me but doesn’t want to do mediation (county-mandated anyway so oh well).
I DO want him to be part of their lives. I tried to ask him to hold off on divorce until he was better, I really want the best friendliest outcome- if it has to end so be it but he is still treating me horribly, I don’t know how we can agree on anything to effectively coparent. I have serious reservations about the children’s amount of time solo with him and how he has zero support system here. I do think he needs to not drink while they’re in his care because he isn’t nice when he does, as well as get some serious therapy (he cut from weekly to every other when he moved out late July, not sure if he goes at al anymore). Can I ask for some proof of that (alcohol)? His counselor isn’t addressing his drinking at all even with Prozac prescription (maybe he just lies about his drinking to her).
Anyway, it’s an absolute mess - if anyone has some positive vibes, prayers, whatever you can to send my way I’ll take it all. Both my family, and his, and old army friends and new neighbors have been outstanding support for me through this ugliness. I’ll take any thoughts of legal advice too. Or thoughts/experiences that I can take into consideration.
This was lengthy... thank you if you made it this far. I can’t say enough thanks for the comfort knowing I’m not alone in these experiences and thoughts, he makes me question my own sanity and if I’m making the best decisions or selfish controlling ones, but when I read from all of you I know I am doing my best for my kids now, and still trying to help him too. Wish he could see it.
