Relationship Divorcing?

[Snowflakes]

@Erin Lee It’s a tough road we walk. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years. From my sufferers perspective she would want to divorce me because, in her mind, I’d be better off without her. That was her same thought process when she tried to kill herself.

From my perspective, I had been pushed so hard and for so long by her verbal abuse, I was willing to walk out the door to stop the abuse.

Only you know how much you can take before the stress kills you both emotionally and health wise. By coming here I learned how to set, and enforce, boundaries. This was very important. I also learned to get my own therapy to teach me coping skills and reinforce the boundaries I was learning. I learned why my sufferer does what she does to the extent that giving her time and space (isolating) was not something I should take personally but is a loving act by me to give her that time and space without bothering her about it.

I also learned that having PTSD is not an excuse to abuse me. If I had to walk out the door to stop the abuse, then so be it. I wasn’t a bad person and it certainly wasn’t for lack of trying.

So, she did leave me but returned home. She goes to therapy and I hope she learns to manage her illness and find peace. I continue to support her but I have also managed to get off that crazy roller coaster ride I’ve been on.

Bottom line? You are not wrong for wanting out. You deserve peace in your life. If you decide to stay, we will support and hold you up the best we can. You are not alone here. But whatever path you take, no one here will criticize you. We have all been where you are at.

Take care of you. Hugs if appropriate and you accept them :hug:

 

[Erin Lee]

@Erin Lee It’s a tough road we walk. I’ve been doing this for over 10 years....

Thank you so much for your supportive words. Like I’ve told the others, I’m sorry you’re experiencing these things. I am glad to hear it’s not all bad and that there is hope.

I think my husband would like to divorce me for the same reason, he thinks I’m better off without him. But I’m not. Even on his worst days, he’s still my guy. I’m don’t think I’m ready to call it quits - but I’m definitely ready to get off the roller coaster.

 

[dulcia]

I am also having a really hard time setting boundaries. I will make a “rule” or something, but then when it’s broken I just ignore it to avoid confrontation

One thing my therapist said to me was, "there's no point in making a boundary you can't enforce". For example, I was trying to stick to "If you lie about XYZ again, I will leave the relationship". When in reality, I wasn't ready to leave the relationship. So we changed it to "If you lie about XYZ again, I will take a week break from the relationship" or something.

I do constantly think about how this will impact our daughter when she gets old enough to understand what’s going on when he leaves. Right now she’s 18 months so I don’t have much time left before that happens.

Handful of people here are children of combat vets with PTSD and I know it affects them. You could make start a post asking for more specific advice in regards to your daughter, if you want some outside insight on that.

 

[EveHarrington]

I have ptsd. I hope it's ok to reply.

One of the greatest things my supporter has done is to set and enforce boundaries.

I think what I'm about to describe is not uncommon. (At least from all I've read.)

When I am in an episode of sorts, I am instructed by my therapist to fully withdraw and cease all contact when I reach a 2/5 on a wall/shut out scale and a 3/5 on the anger scale. (Everyone's scale is a little bit different so it is up to each of us to create the scales.) At these points, rationality has flown the coop. Staying and "working things out" is nothing more than an exercise in futility. My supporter can still be rational and is driven by a need to work things out, but I have a complete inability to problem solve and make things right. This is why complete separation is necessary.

I read others accounts of their sufferers episodes and it hits me that they may be going through the same sort of disconnect, a supporter who wants to fix things with a sufferer who has no ability to do so in that moment.

So maybe it would be a good idea to let go when the argument/incident reaches a certain level, with the idea that your sufferer has zero ability to be rational and fix things in that moment?

Just an idea. (Not easy, as I'm still working on it.)

 

[Buttercup]

@EveHarrington what boundaries has your supporter set and enforced?

 

[EveHarrington]

what boundaries has your supporter set and enforced?

Oops. I meant to add that!

We have gotten into arguments that spiral down.... we have a safe word that either person can use if they need to step away and need space. Once the safe word is spoken/written, the other person is to stop communicating. I've been good about abiding by this boundary (except for once when I was spitting nails mad and crossed it when I felt silenced).

So essentially he's setting the boundary of saying he needs space when our arguments get to an unsafe space, i.e. if he feels like I am blaming him, shaming him, etc. (I confess I can't always see when I'm doing these things so I am a work in progress!)

I have full use of the safe word as well but I never use it as I feel like I can't ask anything of anyone. (Only my inner child can ask for things....toys, coloring books, hugs, etc.) But I digress.

 

[Buttercup]

I like that. A safe word. That sounds like a good idea. Thanks!

 

[Erin Lee]

Update for today:

We spent the entire weekend apart. He was gone Thursday night and Friday night. He then stayed at the house Saturday and Sunday while I stayed at my parents with our daughter.

The time apart was HELL but once I accepted that the space was what he NEEDED and not necessarily WANTED, it was easier to give him space. (Usually I am the one who wants to work things out right away, talk, etc). I found that giving him space was actually beneficial for me too. I had time to reflect on the entire weeks situations. (We argued nonstop from Wednesday night until Saturday morning... and I wasn’t always helping making things better).

By Sunday afternoon - after hours of no communication - he reached out by sending a picture of my cat to me (she hurt her leg recently and he was letting me know she was ok). I took the message as a sign that he is actually calming down. I thanked him for the update and continued to give him space. A little bit later, he texted me again... I was feeling very hopeful.

By Sunday night he told me he missed me and loved me, that he didn’t want to leave me and that he wasn’t ready for things to end. That’s all I wanted from him - just reassurance that he wanted to work it out.

I was scheduled to have an appt with my therapist this morning so my husband asked me to come home this morning an hour beforehand and asked if he could come with me and make it a joint session. Again, felt super hopeful.

Our session went really well. We are going to try the safe word thing. As well as set up rules for when he leaves. He ignored me when he is angry and that drives me crazy because I have no idea if he is safe or if he has gone and done something that he can’t take back. So our rule is that he can leave for an hour and after an hour, he has to text me and either say I’m coming home, I need more time, I’m ok, etc. Anything to let me know that he is ok.

I’m hoping that now that I see the benefits of the space, it’ll be easier for me to just let him cool off.

But these nights apart? Ugh! I hate them!!!

 

[Erin Lee]

I have ptsd. I hope it's ok to reply.

One of the greatest things my supporter has done is to se...

I appreciate your input! It’s sctually need to see things from both points of view. But you are absolutely right... my husband, during an episode, literally cannot work things out in that moment. I’ve realized that every time I try and fix it when he’s not ready, it gets worse. So I’m just going to try my haaaaardest to let him go and give him time to cool off.

 

[Erin Lee]

One thing my therapist said to me was, "there's no point in making a boundary you can't enforce". For ex...

Yes! Our therapist told us that this morning - don’t make a statement if you don’t mean it.

One of our biggest things is throwing the word divorce around and even though we are both guilty of saying it, we both hate it so much. And neither one of us, when thinking clear and rationally, want to actually divorce. So keeping the word divorce out of the arguments is a new boundary we set up.

I probably will look into the children of veterans thing soon. Hoping he and I can figure something out to avoid hurting her in any way. Thank you for the idea!