General Do Any Of My Fellow Supporters Isolate?

[Badger]

I find that I isolate in the cold dark months anyway, because I have seasonal depression. Now that a guy with PTSD who isolates is my only friend, (I have other acquiaintences but he is the only friend who comes over) and I am seperated from my husband, Many days can go by where I only see my 2 kids, and the staff of my younger daughters preschool. I've participated in a planned social interaction only 3 times this month.

I am on facebook, and get occasional texts from my facebook friends, but other then kids (3 and 7) and dogs, no interaction. I'm trying to figure out how to break out of it and invite someone over or something, but it's hard. It came on so gradually, I had no idea it was happening. I don't want to be in the position of depending on my sufferer for human contact, but as wierd as it sounds, in person he's a whole lot easier to be around then most people.

I guess being a bisexual witch, (Wiccan) in a basically christian conservative community I feel like I have to hide who I am from the other soccer moms etc. And that takes a lot of energy and it feels fundamentally dishonest. you cant make friends that way. My 7 year old daughters best friends mom is a born again christian, and I feel like I have to hide who I am around her for the sake of my daughters relationship. My sufferer only sees me 2 or 3 times a month (once so far this month) but he is by far the person I feel the most comfortable with. How do you un-isolate yourself if you just don't fit in?

 

[Promicarus]

I have to wonder if you have any history of trauma, yourself. I understand, of course, that living in a community potentially violently opposed to your values, might be enough, in itself, to cause you to feel the need to isolate. Been there, done that (and doing it).

The reason I ask? For one, those with trauma issues tend to not only feel more comfortable with each other, but to "spot" each other, and seek each other out. It may well be that you feel most comfortable around your sufferer because you have that in common, but just are as of yet unaware of it, yourself.

I know, for example, that I kept my own childhood trauma "walled off" for 30 some-odd years, refusing to acknowledge it even to myself, much less anyone else. "I'm just fine", was my mantra. If I told myself that on a continuous basis, under my breath, in each moment, I could "face down" the world...after all, if you believe something yourself, you're not lying, are you?

Questions I would ask myself in your position: When did these tendencies toward isolation start--was it just when I moved to this uncomfortable community, or has it been longstanding? Have you always felt threatened by others, even if only unconsciously, something you refused to acknowledge consciously? I know that was the case for me, though I wouldn't have admitted it to myself, much less anyone else.

If you do have as-of-yet uncovered trauma issues, yourself--well, that's a horse of an entirely different color.
It's one thing to isolate for a good reason, after all--a realistic fear of attack for what you are, by those who are implicitly your sworn enemies...
...but it's quite another if it's a lifelong tendency.

Have you asked yourself such questions? What is it, for example, that makes it so much easier for you to be around a trauma sufferer, than to be around "average" others?

These are pertinent questions, seems to me, if you are to get at the root of it, so to speak.

 

[Badger]

Wow. I like you. You make sense. I was a sexual abuse victim, it just didn't give me PTSD. In fact my sufferer and I have that bond (there is an author that refers to this as Children of the Secret) in that we were both abused by police officers. His was his dad though, and involved systematic terrifying physical abuse with some sexually sadistic elements. Mine was a case of being under-age and being exploited by a man in a position of authority over me when I was 13 and he 27. I was never forced, just manipulated, which is why I don't think I have PTSD. Trust issues, yes.

My sufferer, however, lived in a war zone in suburban Ohio. Winter does not judge. I feel like I can be the real me with him. He is also part Cherokee and respects my faith. I don't think other people would understand, or they would have a horror of who I am and how I think about things. I mean, I have been a witch for 17 years. The morality is different. Certainly not evil, but we don't care how many people you have slept with, at a time, whatever gender etc. we do place a heavy emphasis on consent though. Being a witch gives you freedom from shame when you are with your own kind. Not freedom from responsibility- hurting people carries its own price.

 

[Promicarus]

While not a practitioner, I'm familiar with the Wiccan tenets and practices, through study. No judgement or condemnation here.

But I would caution you against assuming that you do not have PTSD, or "trauma related symptoms" due to your "consent" as a 13 year old: "Manipulation" IS a kind of force, especially at that age. To dismiss it is not only to potentially fail to fully understand yourself, your perspective, and tendencies..but therefore to fail to address and work through issues which, if examined and "processed" may yield way to a fuller life.

I know this from experience, though I've only just made a beginning, myself. One of the standard definitions of sexual abuse is to be "indoctrinated" into sexuality by one old enough to be in a position of authority

"Sexual abuse includes any activity with a child for the sexual gratification of an adult or significantly older child (about 4 years older)."

See the site drgreene, recognizing sexual abuse (tried to post the link-couldn't)

...And it's rare for one not to suffer from dissociative disorder as a result of sexual abuse...

...And dissociation is more and more being seen as not being not only under the same umbrella, but part-and-parcel of, PTSD.

(Good reference, Traumatic Dissociation: Neurobiology and Treatment).

Most think in terms of acknowledging PTSD/symptoms of trauma as "disempowering"--as synonymous with resigning oneself to victimhood--being a "whiner".

While that may be true in the mind's eye of the average person, completely without any frame of reference, it's nothing of the sort, in fact.

Admitting to the truth is always empowering, an act of courage. And it's the first step in finding the way out by going through, rather than remaining hidden in the shadows, living a marginalized life. Opening that door is a big step, but I've come to believe wholeheartedly that it's a step forward, however long the journey may take, and however challenging it may be.

Be well, and "As above...

 

[Badger]

I wouldn't have any objection to saying I have PTSD if the label fit, but there's alot of symptoms I just don't have. I think I isolate more because of depression. I don't do it in the summer. Here in upstate NY there's no light in the winter and I have seasonal symptoms of depression brought on by low light levels.

I'm not afraid of people or situations. I prefer one on one interactions with people I know, and intimacy does not bother me. I just don't feel like anyone gives a sh*t most of the time.

The only think that is similar to the kinds of stress you guys describe feeling is the way I feel when there are strangers in my house. I don't like that.

I just don't have any of those intimate, close friendships that are so satisfying. Don't really see my sufferer enough to call it a very close friendship, although its the best one I have. For the past 8 years I was in my first ever monogamous relationship with a guy (not a PTSD sufferrer) that I slowly realized was just plain incapable of intimacy. Very little sex, have my own room. Trapped in sterile hell with two little kids. We separated 4 months ago. Not that I would have noticed the difference anyway. we hadn't slept in the same bed or had sex since 6 months before that.

I really have to figure out how to get out of this situation and it is ruining my life and I probably deserve better. On the bright side, though, I have 2 big friendly dogs, who sleep with me most nights. Its not the same thing, but canine snuggles are good.

 

[anonymous]

You know, PTSD is one of those things that you flat out can't see clearly. It takes an extremely long gaze to begin to have any of the details come into focus. The more details in focus, the more even smaller and finer details you're likely to begin to be able to perceive.

The longer &/or closer you look, the more intricate the picture will become.


This exact paradigm can also often be observed inside of dreamscapes. I feel like dream and trauma brain processing occur through similar functions.

 

[Badger]

I also see a therapist regularly and have never been told by either him or my doctor that I have PTSD. I have ADHD so yes dissociation happens, but it always has happened, not severely- pretty much daydreaming. It happened before the abuse. I was under the impression that I was a willing participant at the time. It was sexually arousing. Nothing was done without my "consent" (I do realize that was not very meaningful becuse of the age I was,) but it was not traumatic in the same sense that people here describe trauma and their reactions to it. It didnt go as far as intercourse, primarily because I said no. He would say thing like he wanted to "Grow me up and marry me" Yuck.
Basically it left me very distrustful of authority figures and thinking the only reason people must want to be around me is because they want to have sex with me. I avoided men for quite a while. It left me with some justifiable paranoia about being manipulated.
But as far as the PTSD, no. I'm not haunted in the same way as people with PTSD are

 

[anonymous]

Many people will not get PTSD from traumatic experiences and I do think you would have figured it out if you did have PTSD as seeing it in your partner would ring bells for you.

I however think you have to be careful about saying it is being of the type of abuse you suffered. Many people get PTSD from the type of abuse you describe and arousal can be one of the most difficult thing people have to manage after.

You didn't get PTSD because of protective factors. I also believe that everyone will still suffer affects even if it isn't PTSD and I think that is very obvious from what you describe here. Depression for one. Really glad you are having therapy.

 

[Promicarus]

I really have to figure out how to get out of this situation and it is ruining my life and I probably deserve better.

Not probably--you do. I understand seasonal depression, as well--though I don't suffer from it (my niece does, and had to move from Seattle, due to lack of adequate UV/sun).

But it's hard to say you have "trust issues" stemming from sexual abuse, and at the same time, that you don't have some degree of trauma-related symptoms.

Of course, if you've done some reading on the subject, and you still don't think it applies, only you can make that decision.

It sounds as though you're very lonely, and feel backed into a corner by your environment. Coming out of an 8 year relationship which was at least implicitly rejecting, and so diminishing, can only hurt.

I have to wonder why you'd stay in a relationship for that long which was as you've described. Of course the details aren't any of my business...I only ask because many with low-self esteem due to early-life abuse not only stay in such relationships because they unconsciously feel as though they don't deserve any better, but actually seek them out--unconsciously looking for people who are rejecting because "anyone who would accept me couldn't possibly be worthwhile". Kind of like the old Costello line "I wouldn't belong to any club that would have me as a member". That was the case re my mother's relationship with my father.

8 years is a long time, though many have similar relationships for much longer. But separate rooms, for 8 years? No sex for 6 months? If you were 60, that would be one thing. But to stay around for that for 8 years seems--unusually patient, at least. And maybe that's all it was. As I said, it's none of my business, and who knows what other dynamics were at play. But just food for thought.

So glad you have your dogs. For me, at least, "animal intimacy" often beats the human kind, in many ways. As you put it (to paraphrase) , at least you know they give a sh*t.

If you know your situation is ruining your life, I hope you won't delay. I know I made that mistake, myself. As a favorite song puts it: "runnin' around in a one horse town, does nothin' for your state of mind". And feeling backed into a corner-threatened by everyone one around you, can actually be responsible for trauma-related symptoms in and of itself, especially if endured for long enough. Believe me, growing up as a "foreigner-yankee" type in small-town Texas--I would know. That's actually one of the central elements in my own CPTSD history.

So you don't "probably" deserve better. You do. Glad you've found this forum-as I'm glad I did. It's been a real outlet for support and clarity, and so helped me see the same--not only that I don't just "probably" deserve better, but that thinking in terms of my only "probably" deserving better, is one of the fallout-symptoms of my own trauma history...and through the resonance and support, to gain forward momentum.

I'm glad, too, that you're seeing a therapist. It sounds as though you've gone into depth with him/her regarding your sexual abuse, and your resulting issues--related to fear of manipulation, lack of trust in men, and feeling as though you've been made a sexual object (thinking men only wanted to be around you for sex), only to have your therapist suggest that these are not either trauma related symptoms, or significant issues for you. Is that the case, or have I misunderstood?

Be well.

 

[Badger]

I hear you Anonymous. I'm sure people have gotten PTSD from what I went through. Today the most difficult thing to understand is why my parents couldn't be bothered to put a stop to it. They knew. As a parent of 2 daughters myself I would have a serious problem with any creep who messed with them, but maybe they were scared because he was a cop, and they figured there was noone to report it to? Like what are you going to do, call the police? I plan on keeping my own kids away from people like that as much as I can. If I ever find out about something like that happening either the pervert is going to jail, or if the justice system fails me, I am, for justifiable homicide.

 

[Promicarus]

I hear you Anonymous. I'm sure people have gotten PTSD from what I went through. Today the most difficult thing to understand is why my parents couldn't be bothered to put a stop to i

As you may know, parental betrayal alone can be a potential source of trauma-related symptoms. They knew, and didn't put a stop to it? I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how abandoned that must have made you feel.

 

[anonymous]

And the fact that they didn't says a whole lot about their parenting Badger. I am sorry to hear it. And that lack and not being protected and heard for a child also hugely influence the development of depression and trust problems and so much more.

You will and can get over it if you continue to work on it though.