Promicarius, you bring up a good point about why I stayed here that long. I have two girls, 3 and 7. They love their Dad. Its a decision that doesn't just affect me its them too.
I suspected something along those lines, but didn't want to pry. That doesn't seem like a flawed train of thought, at all. It seems like a loving mother attempting to place her children's needs above her own, to me, and I not only understand, but commend you for it.
My therapist thinks I have already processed the abuse, I think. He also is cognitive behavioral so he sees what I am doing to handle the current situation as most important.
In my opinion, an therapist who is exclusively "Cognitive Behaviorist" isn't the best person to evaluate a trauma history. As you so rightly put it, his orientation is to practical functioning, in the here and now. I wouldn't say that that orientation is mutually exclusive to a trauma oriented perspective, entirely--but just as with M.D.s, there are specialists within each discipline, and you don't want an orthopedist doing your heart surgery, however great an orthopedist he/she may be.
CBT focused/trained therapists just don't really have the background to put trauma in perspective and address it...and you know what they say...when all you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail.
But there are many therapists who do both--have backgrounds in both trauma as well as CBT.
I'm not a licensed healthcare professional in any capacity, though, so these are just my personal opinions. But I am a little surprised that he wouldn't have recommended you see a trauma specialist, when you brought up the issue of sexual abuse--when a G.P. runs into something outside his bailiwick, it's part of protocol to call in a specialist, after all.
But there's a lot to be said re having already established a trusting alliance with your therapist, I realize--especially as someone with trust issues (believe me, I speak from experience. I'm still not sure I really have any functioning conception of trust. My father was a foreign intelligence operative--go figure. Makes therapy a challenge). And there's a lot to be said for just having that as a regular outlet. So I'd understand any reluctance to just "drop them and switch". But maybe a consultation with a trauma specialist might be worthwhile.
I should bring up that thing about me feeling I don't deserve better, I feel like there is some core truth in that. I am always putting the needs of other people before my own. I don't really know why.
This sounds like the standard stuff of co-dependency...common to those who've experienced childhood neglect/rejection/abandonment. It's generally seen in terms of an unconscious need to establish the sense of adequacy which should have been bestowed upon us by our parents, but which was instead either absent in their regard for us, or actively denied us----by being effective at helping others--thereby proving we're "actually good, after all--as well as competent" (speaking from experience, again).
I hope you will bring it up with your therapist. There are support groups for co-dependency, as well.
I have gotten so busy raising 2 little kids, I might have no idea what my needs even are :)
I think that just means you're a great mom. :). But have you heard of the "sharpening the saw" metaphor? Basically, we can't just keep sawing away constantly...or eventually the saw gets dull, and we're not even accomplishing anything anymore. Part of being an effective "sawer", in the long run, is stopping often enough to sharpen the saw.
So taking time for yourself, practicing self-care, is part of caring for your kids: You can't really be as effective with/for them if you don't take care of yourself, too.
Thanks for your posts, and be well.
