Do I Have Ptsd ? Thoughts Please

[Hashi]

the thought of actually talking in depths to someone and bringing everything up I think it's best for me to deal with it myself

The thing is... deal with what yourself? I'm not going to get distracted by everything else you're writing. You aren't addressing what has been initially put to you here, which is the need for a proper diagnosis. Basically:

- You haven't got a diagnosis
- You aren't willing to see someone who is qualified to give you a diagnosis.
- You are quickly deflecting what you say away from that topic and into wider themes.

Is that right? Please tell me if you think it isn't.

I just want to be clear, and have no smokescreens here. Not because I'm a complete witch, or because I'm not sympathetic to suicidal ideation - been there, am there - but because I see you deflecting, deflecting, deflecting.

What would happen if you stayed with the need for a diagnosis from a qualified professional? No detours, just that. And not anything further than that. Just the diagnosis part.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok a few things. I only read maybe 15 lines via mobile which is equivalent to 5 lines on a computer. Putting your writing into paragraphs really helps others to read it and you'll get more responses. This is a diary and you can format as you wish, but on any other forum you'll be edited and likely sent a grammar warning from the mods.

My response is based on what I read.

Your father didn't even acknowledge you until you were 5 aside from beatings yet you value his opinion like its gold. Please see a psychiatrist to get help. Yes, you do need help if you put an abusive ass up on a pedestal and well into your 30's are still afraid to do something he doesn't approve of.

That's all. I'd likely give more feedback if I could read further.

 

[digger]

This is a diary and you can format as you wish, but on any other forum you'll be edited and likely sent a grammar warning from the mods.

Slightly off topic so sorry, but I have had grammar warning and a post edited in my diary so I think the rules do apply here as well.

 

[Promicarus]

I second the posts from Solara and Hashi, especially. It's great to reach out here, and other places where people are sympathetic and have a frame of reference for what you're going through. I commend you on that. But that's only the first baby step. I think all of us avoid rehashing painful memories, often for as long as possible. Which means long enough for our lives to get progressively worse, our symptoms to do the same, and for it to become that much more difficult to either make a start, or for a tdoc or pdoc to help-as with trauma, symptoms only get worse in the long run.

Even if you're successful at stuffing them, and isolating, and telling yourself that it's going to be allright-the best outcome on that course is a life wasted, unlived, and only suffered through. You mention that you would not consider suicide due to your children--but are you willing instead to expose them to a kind of your living suicide, of watching you idle in misery? Children are hypersensitive to their parent's emotional states. You may not believe that they are being affected, but they are.

And I agree with previous posts--if you are still holding on to "old tapes" of what your father believed, despite what you know of him and what he's done to your life--then that's a seriously bad sign, in my opinion, and reason enough, aside from your emotional torment, to seek help. Seeking help takes courage, and is not a sign of weakness or worthlessness.

 

[Jugsaw]

Thank you everyone for your replies I'm very overwhelmed even by someone I was rude to before ... I'm going to leave this forum as I'm definatly not ready for this place either. I will take all your advice but feel I'm in no place be here conversing with people I could end up harming... good luck to all of you youre good people.

 

[Abstract]

I wish you well Jugsaw and hope you come back. Just wanted to say too that I think the responses in your diary are more direct because of your title. Some may not even have realised it is a diary.

Traumatic reactions are NOT about being crazy and are in a sense normal reactions to abnormal situations that no one should experience. If your car had a flat tire you would need a mechanic and in the same way we need expert help to help us with trauma. Its normal to be indoctrinated by our parents as sick as they may be but you can win over that and I hope you do. I hope you do the really brave and strong thing - get help.