Do i have to talk to anyone about this?

[shimmerz]

Honestly, I think the most important part of therapy is not disclosing. It is about learning tools that help us cope during really difficult PTSD symptoms. How to build a safe place. How to be mindful of how the brain can take us down the rabbit hole and how to manage that. How to rebuild a life that has gone off the rails because of PTSD.

Disclosure is not the end all and the be all in healing. That's just my take on therapy. I did much better with therapists who stopped me from incessant stories.

 

[Carlycat]

Hi all.
Thank you so much for your input.
I’ve had a session since I last posted and managed to talk about a few things that have been bothering me about now. In a jokey way but at least I tried. I managed to actually talk at all which is a step forward!
I agree that talking about the reasons you are there is not very productive sometimes. I feel like doing that would make me feel stuck. I know what happened, I just don’t need to discuss it. I’m not denying that I have traumas.
I do think that for some people just trying to think about what effect those things have had and how you recognise and change that is the best thing to do. Isn’t that really the ultimate goal in going to therapy in the first place?
I understand that in the classic sense I am trying to skip a step in the process. I’m not processing trauma with another person but I am doing this myself. I am not avoiding doing it, I just don’t want anyone else around when it happens or to know that it is happening.
I don’t know if I am explaining this very well. I know that in asking the question in the first place I must have some doubts about whether this is logical or what I actually want to do but at the moment it just feels like the best way to deal with it all.
I suppose even if it is just avoidance then there is a reason for that at the moment and I just have to do the best with what I have. If I can improve the way I cope with life in some ways along the way then that would be great.
Thank you for listening to me and helping me with this.

 

[Abstract]

Gosh. I relate to an awful lot of what you describe. Including needing to do everything alone. Even in therapy when I would discuss a present day difficulty I would first deal with it myself and then share a week or 2 later.

My conclusion at this point is that we can only go as fast as our brains allow us to go and pushing past that too hard can be dangerous. I was for me in the past and regret not listening to myself more. A lot of people on here helped me come to that realisation. I am a pretty determined person and tried to force through and that didn't go well. But I also think that actively thinking of the speedups and working on finding ways around them is important. I don't think accepting that you will never process the trauma is good idea. I just rather try to deal with the thing that is standing right in front of me at the time. I have an expectation of myself to work hard but that doesn't have to be about discussing trauma. Sometimes just being in the therapy room is working hard. For me disclosure is a really important goal (disclosure of trauma but also about me). Not only because of processing trauma but also to work on the effects trauma has on the way I relate to myself and others.

What I found works for me is to look for sneaky ways around the hurdles my brain puts in my way. I have found that dealing with those speedbumps alone has opened up my life a lot and has been a form of processing. It actually helped me be less symptomatic. For example, lack of trust doesn't come from nowhere and working on letting others in carefully and with awareness has for me been a form of processing aspects of traumatic experiences. Not sure if that makes sense or not.

I relate to finding sharing at all extremely threatening. Not just the trauma. Telling a therapist I had this difficulty felt too revealing and threatening. When I tore it apart there is a belief that anyone knowing me or my thought processes = danger. That people use this information as a weapon at some point or other. Especially in intimate environments and therapy is just about as intimate as you can get in my opinion. Do you know what he thoughts and feelings are that are at the core of your need for privacy?

If it makes you feel better I did 5 years of therapy at one time and only at the end of that started realising my reality! And started realising the incredibly varied ways I had protected myself in therapy whilst believing I was working really hard and opening up. I wish I had had @scout86 t!

I went there because of one thing and I wasn’t expecting it to bring back anything else. I didn’t know most of that stuff was even there and never wanted to remember.

Snap. Be patient with yourself whilst still pushing yourself safely and consciously is what I suggest. And if you can tell your therapist some of this on here at some point that would be a good step. My last t used sandtray therapy and that was useful. See if you can ask her if she has any way of assisting you through this.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think discussing this here is progress too, when you're very private @Carlycat . :) :tup:

I know this is probably my giant wall getting in the way but what harm does it do if it keeps me going. I have to work and deal with life, there is no point in dwelling on the past, I have to just work out how to stop the hang ups affecting me now. We don’t have to talk about why.

I always felt that way, if I even addressed it (or for what I thought I should address). Eventually I crashed, a combination of circumstances, physical, loss, age, I think.

Yes, we can get some relief on our own, but it’s imposs to do full processing on our own as processing requires an outside perspective and outside guidance. Trauma has changed us and affected our thinking to the point where we cannot figure this out on our own. (If we could, most of us already would have.)

^ I think this is very true. (And it follows we have to be careful where we get that outside perspective and guidance. Some will encourage to give up; some to fight- & fight hard.)

I went there because of one thing and I wasn’t expecting it to bring back anything else. I didn’t know most of that stuff was even there and never wanted to remember.

^^ That is exactly me.

(As an aside, I always was or tried to be entirely independent; I had no idea for eg 'neglect' was a thing if not an orphan/ abandoned child- I figured I succeeded in managing/ end of story. I had no other choice but to be independent, I thought it all good, all necessary, and my 'nature'.)

I hear what you are saying about being difficult to do on your own but I guess that’s how I am most comfortable. Being independent is important to me to the point of being stubborn. It’s a big wall and the thought of someone wanting to help is hard for me let alone me wanting them to help.

Me too. ^^ Amongst other fears, including, but not limited to, fear for them, burdensomeness, exposure, I/it/me is/it's not important.

Not meaning to argue with anyone, but there is a reason we end up in therapy in the first place. Ideally it is to catch what has brought us there in there before we completely melt down because we haven't attended to the issues before the nuclear explosion goes off in our heads, you know?

Yes. I didn't realize how/ what could unravel. I figured I'd just take some things to the grave. Keep my own 'stuff' together, try to be a decent person to others, ignore the rest, carry on.

This isn’t just in therapy, it’s worse there but I almost always give the most evasive answer to any question no matter how small. It’s like that is the only answer there is.

^^ Me too, exactly. Or change the subject. ;)

I feel like doing that would make me feel stuck. I know what happened, I just don’t need to discuss it. I’m not denying that I have traumas... I do think that for some people just trying to think about what effect those things have had and how you recognise and change that is the best thing to do.. I’m not processing trauma with another person but I am doing this myself.

This is good, but we are limited by our own self-perception, self-feedback, and yardstick of what we learned/ thought was normal.

I am not avoiding doing it, I just don’t want anyone else around when it happens or to know that it is happening.

^^ Me too.

Not only because of processing trauma but also to work on the effects trauma has on the way I relate to myself and others.

^^ I think it can permeate nearly everything.

discussing trauma. Sometimes just being in the therapy room is working hard.

Yes. It can be a huge accomplishment.

If it makes you feel better I did 5 years of therapy at one time and only at the end of that started realising my reality! And started realising the incredibly varied ways I had protected myself in therapy whilst believing I was working really hard and opening up

I lived the last 30 years trying to do it myself, and the last 12 with guidance. Not because therapy was an option- that would have been like buying a car when I can't drive, but because I desperately reached out due to a current crisis. Now I still do, but without having to be anonymous or lie for protection of self or others, and with better understanding of my part in the situation, (equally, or maybe even more so what is not my fault), and better tools, though it's very hard when my own demons are far from dead.

I believe it took we about 6 years to trust, but I'm not really good gauging time. I could never have done it through conventional therapy: less 'resistant' or 'stubborn' but too terrified.

I see attachment (and disclosure) more related to trust, giving people trust who earn it, because not doing so reflects as though it's a negative on them/ aka they don't deserve it.

I mostly always and only ended up disclosing when the reason was bigger than myself, eg fear for someone else, to protect someone else, so someone else might feel better themself if they were suffering, or wouldn't blame themself or feel badly themself, and/ or because I was trying to be a better person/ get my 'stuff' together, with God and people, in my present and in this life and for the next round. To live honestly, authentically, gently and hopefully find some peace.

Best wishes to you. (I am sorry this is so long.) :hug:

PS, I don't regret it. In trying to (hopefully) help others I received help myself (shockingly, & totally unexpectedly), and consider myself as having made some wonderful friends along the way, been more family to me than my own. I've been very blessed & am very grateful.

 

[Tinyflame]

it took we about 6 years to trust

I came back to fix this typo to 'me', and left it. Because really, trust is a 'we' thing, both parties need to deserve and earn that- something @Carlycat that we can't do on our own.

 

[Freida]

When I tore it apart there is a belief that anyone knowing me or my thought processes = danger

I know there is a man with gun who is waiting to shoot me in the head anytime I talk about my main trauma. This has made therapy a challenge. How do I talk about my trauma when I know it will get me killed? It took my Ts a long time to help me understand why I was hanging on to that core belief and to get me to believe it was safe to start talking. the belief has not changed. What is changing is the number of times I have not been shot after talking about it. I'm fairly sure I will always equate talking with danger but I'm getting better at breathing thru it and doing it anyway

 

[scout86]

What is changing is the number of times I have not been shot after talking about it. I'm fairly sure I will always equate talking with danger but I'm getting better at breathing thru it and doing it anyway

My T says to consider both "possibilities and probabilities".

 

[Carlycat]

Why I am I so protective of my privacy? I have been trying to think about this question and thank you for asking it.
Basically I didn’t have any privacy as a child, physically as well as emotionally.
I guess I had to keep a lot of secrets when I was younger and I feel I am an honest person. This was very difficult to deal with. It made me feel that I should not say anything because I would not know what question someone would ask next. If that would lead to the many things I should not or could not say. It then blocks everything. All roads lead to the traumas.
I’m also quite shy. I don’t think I am very important or worth attention. This is also because of how I was made to feel.
It is worse when someone is nice to me. I worry about why. They must want something from me. They might want to hurt me because that is my experience as a child and since.
Someone suggested talking about things you would discuss at a bus stop. The things is that if I do ever have a mini chat with someone in that kind of situation they will have started it and I endeavour to end it as soon as I can. It feels creepy. The alarm bells go off if someone tries to continue the conversation beyond a simple comment and reply. Eg. Nice day, yes it is.
It also feels like that bit of me that can engage like that is actually a mask and I know that it is not useful to go to therapy wearing that mask. That mask knows nothing about my past. It’s there in the moment with no past or future. Deflect and distract in full force.
There have been sessions when she has shown up and even though I look more with it I am actually further away. She is not good at therapy because she is just a shell.
I suppose it is a start though, she can actually speak even if the content is the lightest it can be. It might get me practising and that would be good.
I have been trying to read up on how to have a back and forth conversation because I realised I don’t really understand the rules around this.
I have also been reading about word block. There are some good articles on stuttering which discuss this. I did not realise that there are so many physical ways you body can make it literally impossible to talk. In addition to the brain block the body adds to the problem. This is helping me to be more mindful of my body and to let my rib cage relax a little more when trying to speak. I realised I may be trying to hard and in doing this I make it worse.
I agree that even just turning up is work sometimes, gosh, the amount of times I have had to force myself to ring the bell and not just get away from there as fast as possible. This is such a strange and difficult thing to do and I am trying to just tell myself to just keep turning up.
Thank you for saying that coming here and writing this is good for someone who is so private. It was a big step to post something. I was shaking and anxious about it and nearly didn’t. I am glad I did because of all your help. I guess this is a little toe in the water of opening up even if it is pretty much anonymous.
I will try to talk about some of the things I have mentioned here and use some of your suggestions. Hopefully talking about why I have so many barriers opens up the conversation from a different direction. I don’t have to give too many details just that privacy is an issue for me. That I still need to build trust as I’m not there yet.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Basically I didn’t have any privacy as a child, physically as well as emotionally.

I'm an introvert, naturally. And I had no privacy as a child. Everyone invaded my space. Even my bedroom was never fully mine. I got kicked out of it when company arrived. Being an introvert made it all the more difficult to be pushed aside.

And talking about my stuff at first was difficult when I started therapy. With one T all I did was cry everyday for about three weeks. I couldn't even speak.

I learned to share in therapy. It took years to be revealing. On this forum, I've found it helps to write. As matter of fact, writing always came easy to me, and I've kept diaries and journals for most of my life. So writing here is just like journaling even though it's more public. Though my identity is fairly well hidden.

 

[Freida]

This is a great place to practice being more open without as much risk as when you are face to face with someone. My privacy issues relate to safety so any time I talk I worry I'm going to get shot. Being here, as an anonymous person, allows me to say things I would never say out loud in the real world. It lets me test learning to trust in small doses - and has been amazingly beneficial

 

[Stephernovas]

Yep. I'm in the same boat as you. Sometimes I will try but it just leaves me in tears and ruins my whole day. It sometimes takes me a couple days to get back to a place were I feel somewhat balanced again. My resistance has made my therapist question her practices with me, and even review/research the literature hoping to find a new technique to use with me. It gets so bad that she will ask me how my week went, and I will say 'week-like'. Or I'll tell her to guess and then I'll reply with something ambiguous. She probably wants to ring my neck, but like you, I don't enjoy disclosing too much. I'm very protective of everything I hold inside.

 

[anonymous]

@Carlycat, thank you so much for this post. When did you figure out who I was and invade my brain? I struggle with the same things, particularly thr long silences in therapy and the inability to even answer easy chit chatty questions. So, thanks for posting. Your thoughts, as well as the thoughts of all those who replied are helpful.

As for the dialouge and how conversation is supposed to happen, my therapist has even offered me a cheat sheet on this before.