Relationship Do I Let The Love Of My Life Go?

[sisu]

Can you ask him to stop the online dating until the two of you figure out where you are going? I get that you are broken up and he is doing nothing wrong, but if he is only keeping you as an option then you need to decide what your needs/wants are. Its great he is working on himself. Its great that you two have kept contact and he still tells you sweet things. But don't let him have his cake and eat it too. You are better than that. He either needs to concentrate on himself and work towards you two together again without online dating for more options. Or you need to cut him free and maybe he'll figure it out and come back to you - at that point it will be your choice to take him back (if you are available) or keep moving forward. Don't give him your power.

 

[CateM]

You're right. I am trying to cut him out of my life - and it seems to be working. I want to move on from him but, like so many people on this forum, it's so much easier said than done. I think I just need to keep my distance and if he comes back to me, I'll see where my head, and my heart, is at.

Thanks Snowangel and Sisu, it always helps to hear it from someone else, especially if they recognise the situation.

 

[sisu]

Cate, I totally understand what you are feeling and going through as I will be having a similar conversation tonight. My (ex) boyfriend and I have been broken up for 5 weeks now - we still talk, have seen each other and text and he hasn't gone out on any dates with other women yet. He claims he doesn't want to - but he still has an active dating profile online. Again, like you said, he has done nothing wrong as we are technically broken up. He has even encouraged me to move on, yet there is still this connection. He wants me to move on because he feels broken and unworthy. He feels he is pulling me down and I can do better than him. I've tried to explain to him that our relationship is not a dictatorship - that I know what my needs and wants are and I was quite happy with "us" exactly how we were.

I wrote a big long letter to him which explained my feelings, my thinking on the matter and what my expectations are for my relationships. I was nice, but I was blunt too. I asked him a few days later if he wanted to talk about my letter or not. He said yes. He could have very easily said no and then that would be that. I'd have my closure and he could be done with me. But he said yes and suggested we speak tonight. So, he appears willing to discuss us and I will feel it out more tonight, but if that is the case then the dating profiles need to be removed until our "grayness" is gone. I won't be an option. Either he figures it out and we move forward together, or we both move on - but its disrespectful to me for him to be looking for other women if we are still on the table.

We do love each other and really did have a great 3 year relationship - his PTSD/TBI is causing stress and confusion in his life and has put a halt to "us" for the moment. This issue is nothing with "us" together, and it is nothing with me as a girlfriend. It is totally him and his mental health/state of mind at this moment. Why can't life be easy?!? :confused:

 

[CateM]

I think we're past that point now - it has been 5 months rather than 5 weeks. I think now I can only let everything be and try to move on. I hope things go better with your man. You're right though, it should be so much simpler than this! x

 

[sisu]

I wish you good things for your future CateM! You deserve to be happy! Take care!

And if you can - please send some good vibes, juju, prayers or whatever you feel you can my way tonight when I speak to my vet. Thanks!

 

[exhausted 81]

I told C the other night that I think not having contact for a while would be good. He did not like this at all. He has since been asking me how I am and replying to my texts. So many of his actions show he still loves me and cares but then my mind starts to mess with me. I really am my own worst enemy! Should I stick to the no contact and risk upsetting him and possibly losing him forever OR would it be a good idea just for a bit. We lived together so all his mail comes to the house and all his belongings (except his clothes) are still there as well. He says he can't afford a storage but he doesn't have much to even bother with a storage. Is he using this as an excuse to stay in my life? I know these are questions no one but him can answer but I can't ask him any of this. The more I read about the PTSD the more I see our situation as a common occurrence. I just wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Cate I often wonder if C is just stringing me along "just in case". It stinks and I am sorry you have to go through this too. I was reading part of a book Love Our Vets by Welby O' Brian and I have to say a great read for supporters!

 

[Snowangel1225]

Follow your gut instincts. A break might be exactly what you need to gather your thoughts and figure out what you really want and need. If he truly cares about you, he will respect your need for some time. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Set a definite time limit...a week....2 weeks...a month...whatever time you think you might need to sort things out. Then, when the time is up, let him know what you think or if you need more time. This is your life and you only get one shot at it so you should try and be happy.

Change his address so he gets his own mail. It's simple to do online. Pack up his belongings and make him be responsible for himself.

 

[Shayvin]

The last few days I have been crying when the thought of him comes to mind. I miss him terribly and I am still so in love with him. I am confused to as to how someone who loves you can walk away. My suffer also has addiction issues. I did however get him to finally make up his mind and he broke up with me and its been almost two months. I feel so incredibly stupid and selfish for doing such a thing.

My contribution to how you feel........(sorry new at this so don't really know how to "reply"....I am new here, a spouse of someone who has this illness. Many things have happened. He is the love of my life and I believe that sticking it out and loving him, looking him straight in the eye and saying I am not going anywhere so get used to it, has helped him. He is going to therapy. I tell him daily many times that I love him and he won't lose me no matter what. It has been difficult I have had to swallow my pride, cry, fear, feel pathetic and have people look at me with pity, but I refuse to give up. I married him because of all the beauty I see within in him. Much of that beauty is there because of what he went through. And much of the dark side too. Call me crazy, stupid, insane, but I believe, in this techno crazy careless world, still, that hold on to love hard and don't let go and you will get through it together. I don't know if this is the right thing to do, I just know that he is my best friend and life without him even with this horrible illness, would be empty in so many ways. For better or for worse,, in sickness and in health......

 

[feelingok]

Unfortunately, give them space and time and they very often end up taking this time to get to know some other women to help them fight the loneliness. if they put themselves out in the dating scene,he is one foot out of the relationship. He can't be excused just because he has PTSD.