Relationship Do I Stay Or Do I Go?

[concerned_husband]

Hi

My Wife has PTSD since childhood; due to abuse around that time.
She did let me know about this abuse just after we got together which is about 9 years ago.

During the first year; she would do everything with me. I used to go to clubs, pubs & friends houses with her, our sexual relationship was good also.

We went on a few holidays together and got engaged in Paris. On our last holiday we went to Greece with her brother and his partner and she was acting very weird. Everyone else was enjoying themselves and she was angry most the time; especially if I wanted to do anything that she refused to do such as water-sports (speed boats and such). Everyone on the holiday was enjoying themselves apart from her but she didn't want to get involved with any event. It felt like she wasn't liking her brother taking any of my time up and she was spending more and more time alone in he hotel room and refusing to talk then she just flipped and threw her engagement ring at me.

I left the apartment and spent a few hours drinking at the bar with her brother and friends we meet in Greece. A bit later I spoke to her and she was begging for me to take her back and that we should get married the year after and then have kids at the end of the year. She needed to lose weight to get regular periods and to reduce the risk of damage to herself and the baby and she said she would do that. She wouldn't take no for an answer; I told her that we couldn't afford it but that didn't seam to matter, she said she would pay so I didn't need to worry about that. In the end I gave in as she never stopped going on about it. In the back of the mind I just wanted to get out of this relationship but I was scared as about every 6 months she reminded me that she would kill herself if I wasn't' with her.
After the holiday ended to go back home and shortly after I tried to leave her and she threatened to kill herself. I then changed my mind, not for the right reasons but because I felt scared that she would do it and I would have the blame for her actions on my shoulders.

So, she continued to plan for the wedding and at the last minute she said she needed a loan. She took one out with her bank and asked me to get a secure loan on our house, which I didn't feel comfortable with as we already had one on it.

Sure enough, I couldn't afford the repayments with other commitments; so I had to get another secure loan to pay off the 1st secured loan, her loan and the 2nd secured loan. Resulting in me paying for this marriage for the rest of my life. Most of the loan went to waste as redemption fees from the previous loans.

So we still couldn't afford to live and took out a secured loan with our mortgage provider and used that to pay off the unsecured debt that we managed to build up. I could now manage to pay our bills but now had no money to do anything. In the end I ended up paying off 3 loans and a credit card that she was meant to be paying for.

After a short while of being married she changed even more. If I spend any time way from her and she is in our house then she ends up getting a mood on arguing about nothing or screaming at me down the phone, which is embarrassing. All the things that I used to enjoy to do such as going out for meals, clubs, pubs etc she now doesn't want to do and if I do any of them without her she gets in a mood. She just wants to stay indoors most of the time; sure she talks about doing these things but in the end she won't leave our town to do them.

I don't feel myself any more; these days I avoid situations that would cause her to get aggressive towards me; purely for keeping the peace.
I have planned to leave her next month after breaking down and telling her how I feel 2 months ago. She told me to stay for 3 months and decide again then; give her another chance. Nothing has improved during this time, we have no connection, we don't talk, sex is one way (all in her favour). During this time she even told my friend that she randomly shouts at me for no reason; so she doesn't have to deal with her problems; then told me that I should listen to that. She couldn't even talk to me about that, had to tell it to a friend which I didn't appreciate.

I have tried everything to help her; offered her support, treatment through councillor, biofeedback, hypnosis etc. Everything I offer her help she throws it in my face and says she will deal with it her way and then she will find out about something and say that she will do that. What happens then is I find all the relevant information that she needs to do the thing she found and then she then doesn't do anything about it.

I don't feel anything for her any more other than resentment for keeping me a hostage through death threats and her verbal abuse and controlling behaviour.

I just want out, I am losing my mind and haven't felt happy in years. Considering I was one of the hardest people to bring down before I meet her this is a dramatic change. I always remember being so happy and nothing could upset me.

At the end of each year she promises that she will get in shape to have kids and then spends the whole year not eating properly, mainly skipping meals then stuffing herself with chocolate late at night. she can eat a 1KG bar in about 2 hours; I wouldn't even eat that much chocolate in 6 months and she does that multiple times a week.

I told her last year how upsetting it is to be promised kids each year then make no effort to get in shape to have them....So she said she will do it this year (2009) and I need to get in shape to, I've lost 1 1/2 stone and she has lost nothing as far as I can see. I gained 3 stone from being with her after I started to eat like her but I got a grip after a few years.
I have come to the conclusion lately that life is too short and that I need to be happy even if she never will; I have tried my best to help and it doesn't make any difference.

Am I wrong to feel this way or am I just wasting my life with this relationship?

 

[Nicolette]

Welcome to the forum concerned husband

Am I wrong to feel this way or am I just wasting my life with this relationship?

I would put myself in the third person and re-read what you have written and ask yourself your question. Any sane person would tell you to get out and run a mile if all what you have written is correct (respecting that there are always three sides to every story).

 

[becvan]

If you are to the point of any relationship where you resent them and that is all you feel you need to get out, period.

As for the rest of it, you need to take some personal responsibility here. It wasn't just her that sent this down the tubes, it was you too. If you want to have a healthy relationship your going to need to take your own stock.

Taking loan after loan after loan, when you already know you can't make the payments, is just plain stupidity. I don't care what the reasons are. Also a marriage is a partnership, not a you do this and I do that. Your supposed to compliment each other not be conducting business transactions.

Anyone who wants to kill themselves will. There is nothing you, I or the purple people eater can do to change that. Being told that someone will kill themselves unless you do something is manipulation, and you have allowed that. It's not a serious death threat, it's emotional blackmail. And yes, some do try and "commit suicide." Funny how they all seem to live through it no?
I have no patience for that crap and neither should anyone else.

Also, why in gods name are you telling ANY WOMAN to lose weight just to bear a child for you? If you had a problem with a woman's weight and how that might affect their ability to have children you just should not have ever dated that person never mind marry them. Personally I'd be really nasty to anyone who tried telling me that.

So, yeah get out of the relationship. You shouldn't have been in it in the first place. Get some priorities straight, and stop playing the victim. Your just as responsible as she is.

bec

 

[concerned_husband]

Hi

I certainly ain't demanding her to lose weight and the only reason its ever been mentioned is because her period stops or are very irregular when she is her current weight. When she's dieted in the past her period has become regular again. She is the one that initially wanted a baby and it has been family (female's with baby's) that pressured her to get in shape for a baby.

I'm responsible for giving in to the unrealistic demands about time-lines to marriage and taking out loans to try and live after the event.

I've been to soft and agreed to wrong things when she's been upset because she didn't get what she wanted.

 

[LoveWins]

Hi concerned husband

To be honest it sounds like your relationship is incredibly damaging to both of you, and as a PTSD sufferer I can tell you that being around someone who resented me so much and felt no love anymore would make my situation an awful lot worse, so I would guess she is not being helped by your presence with things as they are between you. Saying negative things about her weight for example will really not be helping her at all. An unhealthy relationship will do no-one any good no matter what. To me with PTSD in the mix it's a recipe for major disaster

I'm sorry to be so negative, but by what you said it sounds like you're at the end of your tether and now you just want to get out, you resent her and you don't feel it's worth it anymore, so there is your answer. It sounds like you may have been together for the wrong reasons for a long time, and this won't help her or you as I think has been proven. If I were you I would make it clear what options are open to help her before you leave, and would also let her know it is not all her fault (as bec says it seems clear you have played a big part in getting to this point)

Good luck whatever you decide, to you and your wife

 

[concerned_husband]

Hi

Thanks for all your advise.

It backs up what I was thinking and that we both need to call it a day for our own sakes.

I've never been nasty to her regarding her weight and always been supportive when she's asked for help. It's hard to explain on a forum as things can get taken out of context. I don't even talk about it until she brings it up which is normally once a year.

Right now there is a calm in the relationship and I'm avoiding situations that will provoke a aggressive responsive from her; so that we can enjoy this last month together as much as possible under these circumstances.

The real wake up call for was when she told me that it doesn't matter if we are unhappy as long as we have each other and then followed that statement up by saying that she would kill herself if I left her. Which left me very confused. I have spoken to her about this and she has no knowledge of even saying it. This was on my birthday and I was enjoying the day until that point. We was just starting to get on with each other again when that happened and then I lost all hope.

 

[cynelena]

Choosing to leave the marriage is what's best for both you and your wife. You have been enabling her for years to be a misearable person. You've also sacraficed who you are. None of that is good for anyone.

I speak from experience. My soon to be ex-husband was/is an alcoholic and it took me years of feeling lonely and abondoned to realize that I needed to walk away. It was extremely hard to do, but I've been going to a therapist regularly and doing great amounts of soul searching....I've never been happier in my entire life:smile:

My therapist recommended a book that I think applies to your situation. It's called "The Language of Letting Go". It's written like a daily affirmation. I keep it with me at all times! You can NOT help someone that doesn't/ can't help themselves:wall:. We all have our emotional limits and it's very apparent that you've reached yours. You are making the right decision to move on with your life. I'm a firm believer....every thing happens for a reason. Even if we can't clearly see what that reason is!

Good luck and stay strong