@Justmehere - both of your recent posts have struck a chord with me, and as I read the other replies, I’ve taken some time to reflect before responding. Truthfully, I didn’t know which thread would be best to reply to because feelings of shame are not something I understand or work with often. However, I can only hope that I have some constructive thoughts about conversations you might want to consider having with your therapist.
First of all, I think the two topics you posted about are indeed connected. That is, the feelings of shame could definitely be contributing to your not wanting to be in therapy right now. Simply put, I think you should tell your T that you don’t necessarily want to be there but yet you keep showing up because you feel you “should” or it’s the “right” thing to do. While I don’t really understand the purpose of telling you to regulate when you clearly asserted that her comment was anything but helpful, I wonder if going to sessions in itself feels somewhat like a directive or command right now? Like if you chose not to go for whatever reason, you would be breaking an unspoken rule, which brings me to my next thought.
All relationships have boundaries, even therapeutic ones that are intended to be beneficial for clients. A rule of thumb is that therapists are supposed to do everything with the client’s best interest in mind and for his or her benefit. Your T clearly set a boundary when she resisted talking about the trauma that you wanted to discuss; however, you should be in charge of your therapy. At the same time, sometimes our therapists have to help us “put on the brakes” and slow down a bit. I would like to hope and think that your T was trying to slow things down when she refused to discuss the trauma with you. I’m not so sure that was the case, but maybe she was trying to find a way for you to identify the core issue of closeness as you said.
When my therapist and I discuss our relationship, safety, connection, and vulnerability, always seem to be a common theme. My difficulty is tied to not being able to safely express my feelings. We’ve spent the last few sessions trying to identify ways I can be articulate and expressive from an inner child standpoint. She suggested communicating without words and reversing roles to which I am very uncomfortable with and had an extremely strong reaction to. I discussed my reaction, which didn’t fully occur until after the session when I was able to process, at the next session where we also began talking about the fact that our relationship doesn’t feel safe at the moment. My point is that the therapeutic relationship is always a valid, necessary topic for discussion. In my opinion, closeness and connection cannot be achieved without safety, honesty, and trust. Ask yourself if you feel safe in the actual relationship given how you reacted to her comment about regulation. Are you resisting her request to be closer and connected because you don’t feel safe and/or the relationship feels unstable or damaged?
Could you consider having a conversation along the lines of “As I’ve had time to process what happened in the last few sessions, which were very difficult and uncomfortable, I have recognized a possible resistance to closeness and being connected. I reacted very strongly to you telling me to regulate coupled with your own resistance to talking about an element of my trauma. When you insisted that I regulate, I felt (fill in the blank), and didn’t understand exactly what you wanted me to do, which in turn is causing a lack of desire to be here and/or connect with you. I think discussing the particular element of my trauma that we began talking about at the end of last week might help you understand where I’m coming from/how I’m feeling right now...” You could also say something about how the actual relationship with her feels at the moment.
Last but not least, the client has to want the experience of positive change for therapy to be effective. I think you know that, and I also think that the desire for positive change is there. However, if the therapeutic alliance is ruptured or broken in any way, achieving that change will be difficult to impossible. If the lack of desire to be in therapy for the time being is still present after discussing your reaction to her comment, and the current state of your relationship, I would strongly consider taking a small break. Use that time to think about what a safe, productive relationship might look like. I’m not a big fan of explicitly defining therapeutic goals, but it might be worth exploring what you want your T to guide you through and how you might go about getting there. Remember, at the end of the day, therapy is about you, success is not linear or one-size-fits-all, and the bumps in the road will make you stronger!
