Do I Trust This Feeling Or Not?

[Echo]

@mytai - I am glad you got a better reaction from the police. You are not safe with him in this state without police help. Please make sure you are safe on the way to the police station.

Who would you like to talk to most? Is it your therapist or one of the lovely support workers or someone else? Do you feel supported enough by your T just now? Are people at work helping you? What would help you most at the moment?

Mytai, do you know how your uncle has found you? Do the police understand that this is new? It seems like desperation on his behalf.

I hope your head is feeling less painful with the painkillers. I don't know how you manage to cope with all this on your own. You shouldn't have to.

 

[Echo]

I'm sorry for all the questions. Don't feel like you must answer them, @mytai. Just take care of yourself. :hug: Echo

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, I'm very glad to hear the police followed up with you so quickly and are going forward, collecting photographic evidence and such. That is encouraging!

Can you ask someone at work to walk with you to your car when you leave?

I'm glad your T is staying in touch. I wish there was someone who could actually BE with you though. Someone you could talk to and maybe help you to feel less vulnerable. Do tell your T how much you are struggling right now. She might have some suggestions that prove helpful.

And of course, please keep posting - we care about you and are here to support you.

PS - try ibuprofen for the pain if you can take it, it will help with the swelling.

:hug: of comfort, @mytai.

 

[Ryn]

I'm really relieved the police sound like they're finally doing their job. About time. :banghead:

But it is no wonder you feel so unsafe. I am worried about your safety and second the others in that I hope you can find someone to walk you to your car, etc, and keep you from being alone. Is there any chance someone could stay at your house with you, or even that you could get the police to watch your house?

@mytai, this must be unbelievably terrifying for you. But you are doing amazingly well and and are so strong. I am desperately hoping this is the last straw for your uncle and he finally gets caught and dealt with.

Please keep replying here if it helps you. :hug:

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I really want to talk to my T to be honest. I do feel supported by her but there is only so much she can do. She can't be there for me all the time. People at work don't know what's happening right now so they can't be of help, and really I don't want them to know what's going on. I need to keep work and this separate. I really need to be able to talk to someone I feel safe enough with that I can let myself feel emotions. Right now I'm numb emotionally because I don't feel ok to let myself cry or even acknowledge what has happened.

I don't know how my uncle found me, the police in my city are going to be asking the other city police if they spoke with him about me trying to report. I told the police that this is new behaviour for him, that this is the first time it has happened like this.

@TimeToHeal, they took the photos, and I've already had two phone calls since I had the photographs done. They just call to ask more questions, or clarify. I'm the last one to leave the office building on weeknights, security is gone and my co-workers are all gone at that point. On the weekends I do drive another co-worker home though. I kind of told my T how much I'm struggling, but it's the weekend so I don't really expect her to be too responsive today or tomorrow. Unfortunately I'm not supposed to take ibuprofen with Cipralex, so just acetaminophen and ice.

@Ryn, I'm just trying to hold it together. The doctor last night commented on how disconnected I was with this all. She wasn't being judgemental about it with her tone, she just kept saying it must be because I've dealt with this so long that I'm numb to it. She's pretty much right, the only thing she can't see is that it effects me so bad inside but I can't let it out. So it builds up, and the screaming gets louder in my head, and I feel like I'm going crazy.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I should think it is better to be numb about things at the moment. I guess when you feel safer is when the feelings will erupt. Is it possible for you to contact the team who supported you so well when you reported originally? It is so hard to do this all on your own. I totally get your need to talk.

Please don't go out anywhere alone. I wish the police could offer you immediate protection, but it is so hard while you still have to go out to work and walk Chelsea and all the other things a girl has to do.

I hope the police gave you some idea about how they can help you and what they plan to do.

Meanwhile, we are here if it helps and are very concerned about you.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, I'm glad at least tonight you'll have someone with you leaving work. Also glad to hear the police seem to be working on this. Have they said anything about obtaining an order of protection?

I can imagine all that must be jumbling around in your head. I do the same thing -- hold it all together on the outside, feeling numb, while it eats away at me from the inside. I'm not saying it's the healthiest thing, but we learn how to survive, and I understand.

I hope that your T will at least stay minimally on touch over the weekend. Perhaps you could call her Monday morning and see if she could see you earlier in the week? I know you like to see her when you're not working, but no need for you to struggle and suffer alone all week.

I know it probably doesn't seem like much, but we are all care, and are here for you.

:hug:

 

[HelenB]

I have been away for a few days so not been reading on here, but I am so sorry to have read all this and to see how hard things have been for you. I am thinking and praying for you so much, and really hope that this time the police really will take you seriously, like they should have done before, because you deserve so much to be protected and I am sending you gentle hugs if they will be appreciated.

Helen

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I'm trying not to do unnecessary things. They didn't really give me an idea of what they are going to do, just that they are working on it.

@TimeToHeal, the police haven't said anything about obtaining an order of protection. But this will be the same type of thing as it was before, the courts won't issue one if there is an active investigation, and if they charge him they will have conditions on him, and if they don't charge him the courts may or may not issue protection, but if they do it means I have to face him. I could call her on Monday if I wasn't broke. I don't get paid until the day I see her so I can't see her earlier. That's why I got a second job for the middle of the night, because I can't afford to see my T right now without another job.

@HelenB, thank you for the hugs, they are appreciated.

 

[Ryn]

Remember that there are crisis lines if you think it might help - I know it's not nearly as good as your wonderful T, but at least it's a resource if you start feeling like you really need a safe voice to talk to.

I hope you are doing okay today and that the pain in your head has lessened a little. Thinking of you. Hang in there.

 

[TimeToHeal]

@mytai, I understand the being broke and needing to work more to pay for therapy. I've had to make some adjustments myself - it's just not fair, is it?

It sounds like you're basically in a waiting game right now, until the police let you know what to expect to happen next. That has to be tough, I know it would be for me, I'm not a patient person and I hate the waiting. BUT, at least you know SOMETHING is in the works and you have people on your side this time. I hope that helps just a little.

I hope you are able to get some rest tonight.

Please do let us know you've made it home safely.

:hug:

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal, it's frustrating beyond belief. I'm trying to get better mentally, but in order to do that I need to have enough funds but the problem with that means over extending myself.

I am in a waiting game, and I have a hard time being patient with this kind of thing because I'm scared. The police are in constant contact with me right now, just asking question to help them narrow things down, to know what to look for so that they can do their job quicker. I'm really trying hard not to let my mind numb out so much that I start pushing the events from my head. It hurts and it sucks but I'm trying to constantly play it over in my head so that it is fresh every time the police need something from me. I don't want to make their job harder on them. I felt like they were on my side last time too, this time feels different though - they have called me 4 times today just to ask questions and clarify details, they are keeping me involved.

I'm at a point where I don't want to get my hopes up because I don't want to be let down again - we all know how that ended last time (with a suicide attempt). But at the same time, the only thing keeping me remotely "sane" is having hope that this will be it, this will be the time the police can help me, and will help me.

I am home safe right now, did bare minimal errands after work. Took Chelsea to get weighed at the vet, then for a celebratory walk where I knew she'd have a nice large muddy puddle to flop in. Been sitting at home, actually cooked myself dinner tonight, cleaned the kitchen a bit, and just got off the phone with the super nice officer who talked to me at the hospital last night. If anyone is on my side and is set on making sure I am safe, it's him (in the police force that is, my T is set on making sure I'm safe too).