Do I Trust This Feeling Or Not?

[Ryn]

I'm so glad you are home safe, and were able to cook yourself some dinner and take Chelsea on a nice safe puddle-jumping walk. I am so thankful for that nice officer; that is great that he has been there for you, and that the rest of the police force has been in contact too. I can't even imagine how overwhelming it must be, but in the long run it is better than them ignoring you again. Really, @mytai, I am just in awe of your courage through this. Thank you for updating us. I hope your face is feeling better. Hugs if you want them. :hug:

 

[Bedbug]

@mytai, I have just caught up with your news and am lost for words. Please accept a big (((@mytai))) instead.

 

[mytai]

@Ryn, my face is pretty tender. Still can't hide the bruising with makeup yet, way too tender to touch and I'm scared to get anything near the stitches. Some darker bruising popped up over night under my eye, and it's a bit puffier, but nothing too bad.

Thanks for the hugs @Ryn and @Bedbug. Definitely need them. I need to get up the courage to ask my T for them when I need them. I needed one on Friday but I didn't ask, but I will need to kick myself in the butt to ask on Thursday. I don't feel safe anymore, and I need that safety - plus I've only had negative physical contact recently.

 

[TimeToHeal]

Very glad to know you made it home safely last night, @mytai. And what a way to rally and be good to yourself. :tup:

I hope you were able to renew your strength with a good night's sleep. Stay safe today. And please do let us know how you are doing.

:hug:

 

[mytai]

I'm at work today. I'm not doing too bad. Troubles sleeping with nightmares and just being uncomfortable. Tonight I think I'm going to take the dog for a short walk and then go on another 8.5km + bike ride to tire myself out. I start my second job tomorrow morning so it will be interesting getting up to work at 2am for a few hours, then going back to bed and working again in the afternoon until the evening.

Sending my T an email shortly, because I think I've finally figured out the answers to some of her questions about the screaming inside my head.

 

[HelenB]

Glad to hear you are not doing too bad today, and that you feel you have some answers for some of the screaming going on within you.

I am sorry you are also finding sleep so hard, and really hope you are able to make sure you look after yourself as well as you need to when you have the extra hours work too.

Sending you gentle hugs and am praying for you.

God bless
Helen

 

[mytai]

I emailed my T before I left work today, we shall see whether I get a response before I see her Thursday. I got home safe, then took Chelsea for a quick walk and decided to go for a bike ride to try and tire myself out and quiet the screaming. Got up to 13km today compared to the 8.5km I did on Thursday.

Just defrosting my hands right now. Unfortunately the bike ride didn't quiet the screaming at all. It actually made me more aware of my body. I find exercising like this addicting so I have to make sure to eat better or I will quickly spiral back into my ED again. "Ana" gets ahold of me very quickly and very easily, especially when I struggle like I am right now ("ana" is anorexia for those who don't refer to it like that).

My anxiety is really high right now. I'm very self conscious and don't have the greatest self-esteem to begin with, and these cuts on my face are making me more paranoid about my looks. I can't "compensate" with make up because I can't risk causing infection in the cut with stitches, and my face is too tender. The most I can do around that side of my face is mascara. So for me, having a "fit" body makes up for the crappy face. I can't smile or yawn without pain. I don't know whether to lie when people ask what happened to my face and say that I hit my face biking, or to tell the truth about being beat up by my uncle. I know the people I absolutely need to be truthful with - the police, my T, the social worker, etc., but what about random people, co-workers? I know I don't "owe" anybody an explanation except the police, but I'm not a good liar.

 

[TimeToHeal]

I'm glad you were able to email your T. Does she generally responds to them?

I understand the addiction that exercising can become, as well as the ED tendencies. I have struggled with disordered eating also. It too can be addictive behavior as I'm sure you're well aware. So please, please, take care of yourself and eat a good meal tonight.

I feel for you, not having any one who can be with you as a supportive friend right now. I am glad the police are staying in close touch and checking in on you. I know it's not the same, but I hope you feel a small sense of friendship and support from us here.

:hug: to you, @mytai...

 

[mytai]

@TimeToHeal, it's pretty hit and miss whether she responds to them or not. I do feel like I get support here, it helps cover the bare periods when I don't have any in person support.

 

[mytai]

I feel like if I stop and think about all that's happened, I'm going to drown in it. I wish I was stronger.

 

[Ryn]

:( ((((((mytai))))))

I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine what you must be going through.

But for the record, you are one of the strongest people I've ever met. Just for getting through what you have gotten through is proof of your astounding strength - let alone getting through it with so much courage, determination, and resilience. I know it doesn't feel like it, but you really are quite, quite amazing. <3

Right now I hope you will let others be strong for you in as many ways as you can. Your T, the police, perhaps even your co-workers will help you out in unexpected ways. Regardless of how strong you are, nobody deserves to deal with all of this and especially not alone.

I wish we could do more. Know we are listening.

 

[Rumors]

Can you call on your parents to help? I can't imagine your dad being ok with your uncle hitting you and perhaps they need to see what he did in order to finally offer some support. Just a thought... Take care.