Do Others Benefit From Your Ptsd

[mamachick]

While journaling today, I discovered how family members have benefitted from my ptsd. I use to work with victims of domestic violence, and all men benefit from abusers. It elevates men who dont abuse to a place they would not be able to achieve if it were not for the abusers. How many times have I heard a woman say, but he is not abusive.

I have been seperated from my husband for 10 yrs-no divorce. I was vulnerable and groomed by our marriage counselor, which may have ignited some ptsd symptoms. Then I was in an accident and injured badly. This really altered my state-physically, esteem, cognitive abilities, health, and mood. Depression and panic set in. While working on head trauma issues, I was assaulted by a police officer-which set me into full ptsd. Never in my life have I wanted to give up and die in 50 yrs. Now I did, and tried.

Now my medical problems are so great that I cant go without insurance so have not finalized divorce. My ex and daughter are in collusion and think its fun to do things like stop payment on checks knowing that I have used the money. My daughter gets into everything I own including my computer and knows where my passwords are, she changes things so I cant get into accounts, then I discover that he also knows about this. She is 25 yrs old and has been doing this for 10 years. They did not cause it, but they enjoy keeping me busy with trying to straighten out things that should not happen. He wants to be together and they think if I will give in out of hopelessness.

Occassionally, when confronted by him-I tell him we can not be together after all of this. My life is worse than it was with him, but I cant go back-I would kill myself. Then he screams at me that this is his house and for me to get the f out. Its his pension, his house, his everything-27 years of slavery is what it feels like. I feel like a hostage. My therapist says that the two of them are in collusion.

My 25 yr old daughter pushes me around verbally, and has assualted me on a hand full of occassions. I am 120 pounds and she is 250. She is strong, I am fragile. Yet I do all of the housework and maintainance on this house. I got a settlement from my accident that left me disabled but she took much of it. I gave it to her, if I didnt she would verbally abuse me for days until I just gave her hundreds or thousands. I have little fixed income and just had to pay a locksmith $100 to change locks because she moved out but charged in and shoved me. More upsetting was hearing her come through the door unexpectedly. I have not been permitted to have company for the past years, and if I do-she berates me in front of them, yells, telling us to keep it down (laughter). Little by little, all my healthy friends stay away now. I smoke and have an ashtray on the porch. Her and her friends throw it in the sticker bushes so when I go out to smoke, I have to crawl on my knees and pick up butts. She says its because I have a bad habit. Her dad sticks up for all of this.

I have panic attacks so often that I am not sure that I can go through the court system. I dont have any money to hire a lawyer either. I gave a retainer 10 yrs ago but I dont know how long it is good for or if she will still help after all of this time. I know they think I am to weak and broke to fight back, and unfortunately they are right.

They did not cause it, but they sure do reap the benefits. I feel like a hostage and slave. I dont know how long I can survive this way. I do feel very hopeless. I dont want to go on. There is no place for me in this world. Others benefit from my brokeness.

 

[pixi]

I am both saddened at angered at the way your spouse and daughter are treating you.. there is absolutely no excuse for their behavior, they sound utterly toxic. I am so sorry that you are dealing with their abuses.

Please don't give up hope! I know that sounds trite and cliche, but you really deserve better.. I wish I could give some solid advice, but all I can say is that I hear your story, and will keep you in my thoughts and blessings. I'm moved by your struggle. I hope you find a way to get away from that horrible environment.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Divorce him. You are entitled to at least half of the house and some of his pension It is not his house. Move into an apartment and kick your abusive daughter out. Sounds like their behaviour is making you ill, so reliant on the insurance, you are better off getting out of that relationship altogether and then you will start healing. You cannot stay in that environment, it is abusive.

I'm sorry I am being blunt her. But it is toxic and the only way is to get out. You have legal rights and you owe your daughter nothing, she is an adult and abusive. I am so sorry she has turned out that way. She is his puppet and he is using her to abuse you, but she is an adult and has chosen this.

Only by breaking away from these detestable people will you stand a chance of healing. It is tough but the only way. You will have panic attacks going through the court system, if it goes that far, but it may not, but you can get through them and it is better than a lifetime of this constant abuse. Just fix it in your head that it will get better because it has to, what you are living through now is hell and the only way out is to go through the pain to get to freedom.

 

[nursenurse]

There is always a way out. This is all abuse. Seek out a woman's shelter. They will have the resources for you, they can show you the way to go, give you time to get the wind back in your sails. There are some woman's advocates who will work for free, or at least at a reduced rate, and the shelters will have access to these people. Just pack a bag and go. You have nothing at home anyway. What you are going through is plain cruelty

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

It elevates men who don't abuse to a place they would not be able to achieve if it were not for the abusers.

This statement confuses me and sounds like you mean ALL men. Can you please explain what you mean?

 

[mamachick]

Ayesha, I understand your confusion. The question was meant to be for anyone in your life. Im sorry my communication was poor, I was very tired.

I worked with domestic violence for years, and during that time, it was apparent and is taught in trainings, such as Duluth Model, that men who do not abuse women, do benefit from those who do. Yes, basically the research and trainings teach that ALL men benefit from the men who are abusive. They can be jobless, slobs, inconsiderate, drunks, liars, and have other poor qualities and women will say, "but he is not abusive". The 3 big A's for divorce are Adulty, Addiction, and Abuse. Of course there are many other reasons for split ups. Often when women leave men and they are puzzled and dont want divorce or seperation, they will say something to this effect "I dont abuse her, I dont cheat, Im not a drunk, I dont understand". Are those of us with ptsd more tolerant and do we have lower expectations in those relationships because after the abuses we have encountered, we are so grateful to not be abused in any way?

My question/topic was not meant to be about abusive me, but about any and all relationships that we have. When I wrote the initial post, I was very tired and did not explain very well, and I made the analogy/comparison of how non abusive men benefit from men who are abusive. . The topic was not meant to be relating to men specifically, but any relationships.

Where I use to be very assertive, I have difficulty confronting situations, I think because my body is reacting (fight or flight response). My daughter age 25 knows that I will avoid confrontation most of the time, and on occassion when I do address situation, she is smart and educated and will push me emotionally until my body goes into a panic attack or my frustration is so high that I say things that I regret, and then she makes me to be the crazy one. To avoid confrontations with her, I have given her much of my savings until I am broke. Even though she knows that my health is very poor, after much debate, I gave in and cleaned her whole apartment and helped her move, against what I knew was best for me. I knew that if I didnt, there would be hell to pay. Now Im waiting to get in to get sterord injection in my shoulder. (Dr told me not to do these things when he gave me injection in March to heal torn rotator cuff)

I can not be around and alone with men who I am not completely certain are completely safe. They do not necessarily know I have ptsd. That means no dating. When I did try dating, I froze and ended up having sex when I did not want to. It was not rape because I could not speak and they did not know. I froze-it was completely my responsibility and I could not stop it.

This is just a couple of examples of how I see others benefit from my ptsd, but I could come up with a list. It is my repsonsibility, not theirs. I take responsibility, but think it is why I isolate, because when others benefit, I end up suffering the consequences.

I hope this makes more sense.

 

[mamachick]

Thank you for all of your good responses. One reason I do not up and go is that I have 2 dogs that are the love of my life. I trust them, except if left alone in the room with my food. I have kicked my daughter out and changed the locks. The locksmith was $80-my food money for the rest of June. Last month I had to spend my food money on some other mess my daughter had. I went to the Dr Monday for anti depressant and told him I did not have money for prescription so he did give me a month of samples. I lost 7 pounds this month.

I have been trying to hang in there for my daughter to graduate and she did in May. She graduated law school and will take the bar in July. I know one thing that she learned there is to be more clever, deceitful, and manipulative. Im not sure which one of them is the puppet. He did not want the divorce 10 yrs ago, so when she did not get her way, she would call daddy and get him all worked up so he would attack me. At the time, I was getting my masters degree and finished, but only worked about a year before my accident.

I did not buy into this BS until the accident. After though, I do feel stupid, incapable, afraid of the future, hopes are gone, worthless,etc. This led to depression and anxiety. I started making poor decisions at times. I knew there was something wrong with me. I even began abusing alcohol for a period of time but stopped years ago.

In 2009 I did attempt suicide and was hospitalized. The psychiatrist said that I need to finalize the divorce then. He said I needed closure and that with my husbands job of 34 yrs and position and income, I would be ok. I wanted to believe that. He pays the mortgage and utilities. He says that he gives me 30K a year or more alimony and I have to claim it on taxes or he will shut my utilities off. Then I owe taxes and have to make payments. The way he comes up with the figure includes any expenses for my 25 yr old daughter, her car repairs, cash he gives her, cell phone, car insurance, and I think some of his own expenses too. He only started giving me 300 about 3 months ago.

I do not have any family either. I have no place to go. Where I live, the rent is higher than my mortgage because of a boom in the gas industry and transient workers. Landlords are getting $1000 a month for a dump.

Sometimes I think this is abuse, then other times, I think that I deserve this. I think that I do not do things right or good enough or say the wrong thing or expect too much . Then this all just rolls around in my head and I do nothing.

I know that I have to do this though. Today I am going to make a list of possible resources, ie, I have one good level headed friend that will support me through this I think. An appointment with the attorney I had. Maybe even psychiatrist, church, etc. I know I have to end this and accept whatever the judge decides.

I think I am just a weak person. All my life I have used humor to get through situations and I cant find it anymore.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes, you're being abused. Emotionally, verbally, financially, to name a few. Please start making an exit plan now.

And I want to smack your daughter myself. She sounds like a wretched human being. God help her future clients.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Sometimes I think this is abuse, then other times, I think that I deserve this. I think that I do not do things right or good enough or say the wrong thing or expect too much . Then this all just rolls around in my head and I do nothing.

I know that I have to do this though. Today I am going to make a list of possible resources, ie, I have one good level headed friend that will support me through this I think. An appointment with the attorney I had. Maybe even psychiatrist, church, etc. I know I have to end this and accept whatever the judge decides.

I think I am just a weak person. All my life I have used humor to get through situations and I cant find it anymore.

You are not weak, you have been abused for years and that brings you down. And it is definitely abuse. I know how you are feeling I doubted myself and did the same; questioned whether it was abuse and whether it was my fault. That is how they control you, making you think it is you. It is not. Once you are truly out of it you will slowly but surely come to realise it was not you. Being too close to the abusers just pulls you into negative thinking too easily. You have to shut them out and get them out of your life. I cannot emphasize that enough.

I am glad you have a friend to support you. Do exactly as you have said above, that is very positive. I think you will find that the judge will award you a fair sum and that you will be able to move on with that. Life in the tiniest apartment will be better than life like this.

How you are living now is just intolerable and it is all emotional blackmail and playing on your fears by this guy and your daughter. I know my ex H did the same. I am not fully out of it with him but I have young kids but I will get there. Step by step you can do this.

 

[mamachick]

SOL and Lizio-thank you so much. I have made a list today. A male friend texted me today. He is a safe friend and came over this evening and allowed me to challenge my thinking. We talked about alot of things, but primarily, he says it is abuse too. I have kept so quiet-in this small town, I dont want to ruin my duaghters reputation before she starts. I want her to succeed. Please know, I am not innocent. In the past year, my words have have been hurtful.

SOL-I am beginning an exit plan. My original attorney is a family friend of both me and husband. I dont want to put her in bad position. Yet I will still discuss with her. I had a consult with another attorney that is bulldog a couple years ago-I want her but she wants 5K. I will see if she can force him to take it from our annuities- I dont care about penalties on early withdrawal anymore.

I know you are right lizio. I have been abused for years. I just dont know how to get me back. I had self confidence, I walked miles daily, and I thought straight. Now I am just so confused. My friend is coming on monday to spend day-she is strong and rational (not all friends are). I told her I want a kick it the butt in right depression, no sugar coating-and she will do it. When we are depressed, we forget the good people in our life-seems I need a crew. I beat myself up and blame self. The old me would take responsibiliity for my part-but now others. Its all blurred now.

Lizio I hope you find a way to get fully out. I do know about having young kids but they grow up. Mine were 13 and 15-now 23 and 25. I hope you get where you need to be also.

Your words mean so much to me. I have felt like I am so unimportant for so long, and my sense of peace that I desire is unimportant in the scheme of life. I really am trying to convine myself that I deserve the same benefits of others right now.

This may be inappropriate on the forum, I hope not. I am not good at asking for what I need, but I am asking for support from my friends who are healthy and in my life. Very hard for me. I am making lists to make appointments. I only know you all from the forum, and I have not been the best at following or helping others. I am asking that, if it is not too much trouble, will you please stay in touch on this thread and help me. I do better when I am held accountable. Im sorry if this is too much to ask and I know it is alot. I have just limited my physical world to being inside a box where it is safe. I have lost communication through all of this with those who would otherwise support me and hold my feet to the fire. When I am wrong, I welcome suggestions.

Last week, before any anti depressants, I was thinking suicide alot. I think that is what ex is hoping for. He does not want to share assets-bottom line. Another part of me refuses to give him all and so easily. I need help desperately by reasonable people. I welcome your comments and questions. This is so long over due that I think it is what complicates it so much.

If it is too much to follow thread, I understand. In therapy, we never get to the trauma because of the weekly daughter /husband drama. One of my greatest fears is that he has molested her because of the weight gain, collusion, and anger. That is probably distorted thinking as Im sure there are many reasons for this combo.

I hate it but the ex is taking me 2 hrs away for my injections tomorrow. I just do not have a reliable source at the moment. I dread this. Yet the pain is so severe I need the injections.

I will keep you updated, and I do need to regain trust again in others, so please feel free to help me as I welcome it so much-I know my life depends on it. Thank you all, thank you, and hugs for your kindness and sharing the truth.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I am glad you talked to your male friend and he was able to confirm that it is abuse. I have found it invaluable to talk about my abuse to others. As, I wrote, I doubted myself so much and played down my abuse and blamed myself; I was so fogged and confused. But when I talked to others they could see the real picture and confirmed the abuse. The more you talk, the easier it becomes and the more you realise how fogged and confused you have been by the abuser.

Worrying about destroying the abuser's reputation, gives the abuser power. Do not worry about her reputation. She is abusing you. Protect you. She is an abuser. I worried about protecting my ex H's reputation and it kept me in denial and protecting him. Now I wish I had told everything. It is more complicated with me because I don't want my children's view of their Dad destroyed as it will shatter their lives, but I talk to my friends now and have told them the whole truth about him (there is so much to be ashamed of that I had hidden) and I am not hiding who he is anymore. I know this is your daughter but I suspect she will look after herself anyway.

You will get yourself back gradually, maybe not the old you, but probably a better you in the end. It takes time. I spent 26 years with my abusive ex H, I was 19 when I first met him. I am still not sure who I am, but I am so much better than I was; my confidence was lost, I was HIS, not me, he wanted me to be his version of how he saw me, not me. I feel myself coming back. I can make decisions much better and I am free of his constant criticism and superiority, I feel lighter. A great movie is Shirley Valentine. A lot of wonderful quotes there about how you can just lose who you are.

I will get out. I have a lot to do and I panic so much. Downs come hard and often, but then I always push through. I was so down before I never realised how bad it was, I was existing and lost in chaos. I expect the panics and downs and know I will get through them, even though when you go through them you are in Hell. You will too, but I am not saying it is easy when you are down and panicking it is so bad, but just know you will ride it out, you have to push, no matter how bad it is, push yourself. I am lucky to have kids to force me to keep moving, sometimes I just want to give up altogether.

You are important. Do not let the bastard win, use that as a big motivator. Stick a picture of him on the wall and throw darts at him! :mad:

You may well be right about molestation, I have found my gut instinct that I thought was paranoia was very often so right. If this is the case, your daughter will need you at some point so get yourself strong and it sets her an example that you survived. Hopefully it is not true, but, as you get stronger and find the new you, your relationship with your daughter may get better, but she needs huge boundaries set because she has crossed them grossly, so you need to get yourself strong first before any hope of repairing that relationship and if she continues to abuse, keep her out of your life.

Happy to stay in touch on this thread. Nothing is worse than feeling isolated and alone and it brings you so down. Sounds like you have a few friends and once you start talking and reaching out you will find there are others. We shut ourselves down and isolate ourselves when we are in abusive relationships. You do not realise how your whole appearance and persona changes so you become unapproachable. I also see a psychologist weekly I need that support. I get terrified an awful lot being alone.

I hope none of what I have written is too blunt or intrusive. I relate to what you are going through, but ignore anything that is not appropriate and I most certainly do not have the answers as I am just doing this step by step and struggling immensley but I am doing it. You are taking those steps and planning and thinking what you can do and how you can get yourself help; that is huge progress.

Being alone and going through this is so hard, but it is worth it to find yourself again and you will do that.

 

[Cat Herder]

People like to purposely trigger me for cheap laughs.