One of the really sad parts of this whole scenaria for me is that my daughter has been like a best friend to me at times. She has apologized for past abuses and apologized. She is not the unreasonable witch she was during the first apx 6 yrs of seperation. However, her maturity seem to come with my financial settlement and my having money in the bank. The first thing I did was purchase a really good bed that was expensive and it was the best investment that I ever made. However, right after delivery I had surgery and my oldest daughter from first marriage was here and this daughter went nuts screaming about how much I paid for my bed and what an idiot I am. My oldest daughter is not around much and never knew this was going on. She said her sister scared her. The youngest daughter, now 23, moved out and married a mormon boy as soon as she graduated high school. She was berated, pushed around, made fun of, etc by her sister. They use to be close but have had not contact in 5 years. They were 18 months apart and very close when little. I invited the 23 yr old and her husband to Thanksgiving but when I told the 25 yr old, she said-thats fine but I wont speak to them. The younger one is very religious now, but has always been very loving, forgiving, and passive and peaceful.
I have girlfriends since 9th grade that I love dearly and still occassionally get together (less often because I feel so inhumane its hard hearing all the good going on while being abused), but they are there. I have several friends over past 20 years that we have just drifted, some moved away and we stay in touch rarely, but no animosity or hard feelings or anything. My daughter has NO girlfriends. She will have a best friend for awhile, then she gets another and the first and her have a big falling out and I get the sense that she is really mean following the fall out. A couple months ago, she was considering going to the Law School Dean and attempting to have past friend committed because she made statement about wanting to die. I just wonder how much she bullies other people.
Up until this last blow up, we could still have hours of great conversation. It all rotates around her boyfriend though. He is 27. School is over an hour away and she would come home every weekend and holidays. He is a marathon runner and when they started dating 7 yrs ago she was 120 pound soccer player. Now she is about 250. I think something has happened for her to gain this weight like this. I think she is very unhappy. She berates her sister for taking on husbands religion calling her dependent, but I suspect she fears loosing this boyfriend desperately and so she accomodates him. She professes to be very independent, not wanting marriage or children. He is a college drop out and works for $10 hr at hospital-lost his athletic scholarship. He has no motivation beyond running and golf and a nicer car. He lives at home with parents of course with no living expenses.
Anyway, she was much nicer when I had a savings account. Every month I was giving her money. Sometimes it was borrowed but not paid back of course. At Christmas, I would end up giving her about $1000 for her to by gifts for others (boyfriend, dad, grandma). Then we would go shopping and she would want tons of stuff. If I didnt give it, there was hell to pay. Then I started playing slot machines too and have blown some. That was my escape. I also had to pay for 2 surgeries and many home repairs. Once my savings was depleted, she has no patience at all for me, she is not as outwardly abusive usually-but sometimes screaming at me and berating. More often in a tactful pushy manner.
Anybody that I have dated, she has attempted to drive crazy too. They have said she is abusive and when they would hear her go off on me, she would tell them to get out-not their house, etc. I have made some poor choices in men, but I know for a fact that she did things and blamed it on them. She simply did not want me to have any outlets or supports. But she is my daughter, not my husband, and how do you divorce your daughter? I know I have to make that seperation. Maybe I need to tell myself no contact for one year and make her aware of this too. Then see how I feel. I am not having contact with her now and will not, as she is studying for the bar exam and I do not want to be blamed for her failing it. I do feel that when this is over, I want her to get her belongings out of my home and have a plan for no contact for a period. I am just rolling this around in my head and I would love any input or advice. At times I do not know if I am rational in my thinking. Im trying to use my brain and not my heart. I know that no contact will be painful but is probably necessary.
I know that you all can see things clearer than I do. Its hard to tell what I am responsible for and what others are responsible for.
Lizio it sounds like you have come such a long way in just 2 years. It seems that you are seeing things clear. I know that the direction of our life is dictated by our beliefs, doesnt matter if those beliefs are real or imagined. I am betting the beliefs change with steps forward and away from toxicity. Thank you for so much support. You are very inspiring.
