Relationship Do We Accept It’s Over Or Fight To Keep Our Marriage Alive?

[Sunshine71]

Do we accept it’s over or fight to keep our marriage alive? My son and I are triggers for hubby. We now turn into the little boy who was killed over 20 years ago. A gory sight. When hubby is around 90% of the time it is stressful and as though a big black cloud has engulfed us.

My son is doing badly at school and although I feel it isn’t 100% the fault of PTSD I do know it is having an impact.

I only feel like me again when hubby isn't around. The only time I feel a little bit happy is when I am working and focused on my business. When my son is around there is back-chat and he doesn't do what is being asked of him – I end up getting so stressed out. Hubby shouts back and it gets worse.

When hubby is around it end up in a discussion / argument. He says he just cant help turning. He cant stop it. I get the brunt of it all. Never physical – mentally.

I don’t know if I am waiting (and really supporting the best I can – even though it doesn't sound like it on this email) for hubby to get better – or if I am waiting for us to split up. He will have nothing – not job – no home. No money – no close family. I am scared of what he could do to himself.

I know this sounds really negative. I am just being honest. I am scared, I have chest pains. I am not living the right life. So much has been put on hold – like the books I have written and even filming. And I REALLY DON’T MIND - I just want to mention this here on my message - however I am just not seeing any improvements with my hubby and I am scared he is getting worse. Maybe I am just not making things easier. He says he has switched off feelings - and I think I am going the same way.

It kills me to hear that every day is a struggle for him.

Any hope or advice welcome super people.

Sunshine x

 

[Bilby]

It sounds to me, like you have tried and tried and tried some more. How hard is your husband trying? I'm not saying that to be critical of him, but rather as a means of getting you to think rationally about where things are at.

This is clearly not at all healthy for you, or your son, and I feel for the both of you.

 

[myvetswife]

How hard is your husband trying?

That was the first thing I was thinking reading your thread.

If it isn't healthy for you and your son you should think about what you could change. My husband only started to work on himself after I splitt up with him and it's a lot better now. I can totally relate to everything you write above.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much Myvetswife and Bilby - so appreciated.

He says that he tries sooooo hard everyday just to survive and get through the day. Having a flashback as soon as he sees me is just hideous.

He is seeing the counselor once a week and has been seeking help over the years. But he finds it soooo difficult.

After a long time of me suggesting it he now goes to the gym too - however I feel that our recent holiday as well as a coming weekend away camping with friends has really encouraged him to get to the gym and lose weight. I was hoping it will help lift his mood.

He says he is doing all what he can... I think he is but if I am honest I do need a little more.
The burden of working to pay for everything is also wiping me out.

:O(

 

[Loloma]

How many years has this been going on, I mean your husband not working or contributing? It doesn't seem that the counseling is doing much good. I don't mean to sound awful but if you are out there working and carrying all the load, it gives him less incentive to get out there are do something.

It seems like a very complicated situation. Especially hearing that he has flashbacks when he sees you. Have you spoken to his counselor or are you seeing one? I do hope someone else on the forum can give you some helpful advice as I can't see it getting any better the way it is. I am more worried about you and your son than your husband.

I went through a real bad time years ago when I was hospitalized after my breakdown. It took me a few years to pull myself out of it as my family needed me both emotionally and financially. It played on my mind enough to realise that I had responsibilities and needed to get back to some sort of normality. It wasn't easy at all, but I had the determination to do it. That is why I was asking how long this has been going on. Have you let him know how your are feeling?

 

[Sunshine71]

Bless you Loloma - I appreciate your reply.

It started really 4 years ago - hubby has worked on getting better - with hospital trips etc and studying for a new career - I am pleased that he did this and he is very good at what he is doing.

Now he needs to turn it into some kind of business and I have mentioned this again tonight saying that he will take the pressure off of me.

He has spoken to the benefits people today - we are really not benefits people (no disrespect however we are both hard workers even though its odd to say this as hubby has worked - it just hasnt brought in money.) I was quite shocked as what they will pay in a month he could earn if he put his mind to it in a day :O(

I have told him but I fear that he is on the edge of ending it as he is sick to death of constant flashbacks - they seem to be getting worse so although I am not walked over as such I try to tread carefully the best I can.

I hope that you are doing well too Loloma - thanks again and me too - I hope someone can help. PTSD is evil and at the moment I feel I am living a horror film - hubby cant be with the people he loves as we are triggers :O(

Love Sunshine x