Do You Also Go Through This?

[Reds]

Sometimes I find myself wondering if other people with my history face the same challenges I face everyday. I need to be wanted and at the same time I push people away. I desire to be loved but once I realize someone loves me I cut them out of my life. It really doesn't make sense. I don't want people to hurt me but I keep trying to hurt them, my therapist says I test people so I can decide whether they are safe or not. It is really confusing.

Do you have the same challenges and how do you deal with them?

 

[jd9900]

I go through the same thing. When I let people into my inner circle, if you will, I usually buck instinctively. My very first though is, "WTF is wrong with me? I can't trust anyone!" Then I try to remember what my therapist says..

"You are going to be just fine until the day that you are not. Do you really want to spend your "okay" days worrying about not being okay tomorrow?"

I hope this helps.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Yes, I do this. It is a form of testing to see if people are safe and honest.

But I was reading that it can also be a form of self sabotage by setting tests that the majority of people will fail. For example, in past friendships, I almost expect people to be psychic and know what's on my mind and what I'm feeling, without me actually telling them. When they fail to notice, or keep out my way because I seem withdrawn, I start to believe that they don't want to know me because I'm not good enough for them, or that they just don't care how I'm feeling. In reality, if I told them how I was feeling, they might have been there as friends (maybe).

It seems like a fine line between the need to test and setting people up to fail.

Recently I brought up a sticky point between me and a friend. It was a kind of test, as this is something that I've walked away from her for before. And by asking, it brought up all those past judgements she made of me some three years ago. So nothing has changed, she's not found any more understanding etc, she's just buried it. And I don't want her to be a friend with all that stuff buried. It's like walking on egg shells. I was devastated for a few days, but I feel relieved now.

It's something I'm going to talk with my therapist about in our next session, and maybe she will help me see whether it was a test that I needed to do, or whether it was unnecessary sabotage .

 

[RussH]

Reds: That seems to be very common. I don't trust people enough to have close friendships, but at the same time I want close friendships. I don't try to hurt people, because I have been so hurt, I would not do that to others.

What you are writing is indicticative of a suffer. You were hurt by people so you don't trust them. You don't want to be hurt again, so you push away the people that get close to you, and then you feel alone because you don't have close friends.

I know what you are feeling, and I empathize with you.

 

[bell]

@Reds, I'm coming to terms that I do this for not just relationships (which I already knew), but for friends as well. Coming to this awareness is breaking my heart, to be honest. I just didn't want to see that it was more than just with romantic relationships.

But, I'm doing what I can, baby step style, and trying to trust those in my life more and to let them in. Not easy, but I think its best if am going to continue to heal. So sorry you deal with this, too.

 

[RussH]

@Reds I recently, out of necessity decided to trust some people with my history. You can read about it in my dairy if you want, but, I realize I have to be willing to trust people if I want to get better.

 

[Britt.f7]

I met my husband shortly after going through intense ptsd/sexual abuse therapy. I felt strong and determined and open. However, very soon after we married(short courtship), I must have changed some because I will never forget him telling me he wasn't going to treat me bad just because that would make me happy. Shock. Made me rethink some things. We've been married a little over 19 years and we've had our ups and downs. But, yes, I do understand how you feel.

 

[Reds]

Thank you, it makes me feel so much better to know I am not the only one through this

 

[RussH]

@Reds:You wrote "it makes me feel so much better to know I am no the only one through this". It was this realiziation, that I was not the only one, that got me started on the road to recovery. There are millions of us suffering from this same disorder, these same feelings of worthlessness, insignificance, self-hatred, and a myriad of other negative thoughts that plague us.

So you are not along; we are linking our arms together, and walking side by side together toward wellness.

 

[Spiderallis]

I know it quite well. Even after the slow process of deciding if someone is safe enough to get closer to, I still recheck every so often. Seems to make it easier on everyone involved if I'm honest about that. It's my own judgement that I doubt, not the person.

 

[jd9900]

But I was reading that it can also be a form of self sabotage by setting tests that the majority of people will fail

Wow, does this hit home with me. I do this constantly, and not just with people...I will take on projects and set expectations of myself so high failure is almost a certainty.

I'm trying to be more realistic with my choices now.