Do You Care What Your Therapist Looks Like?

[katiekat]

I might be looking for a new therapist and I just did a general search for them in my area and started to judge each therapist by their gender, looks, and age. My trauma revolves around my mom and brother. I am feeling pulled towards someone who is older than me by at least 15 years and female. I currently see a male therapist who is 15 years older than me and I feel very comfortable with him, but he isn't a trauma focused therapist. Can anyone else comment about if you had a preference and why?

 

[billie]

Mine had to be female and less than six yrs older because of trust issues. I also went on how experianced the trauma therapist was for the age group. I had a male beforehand who was a lot older than that but I could not open up to him.

 

[Still waiting]

I want a hot mama;-). Oh also filthy rich :-)

 

[macca]

When I was looking for a T, I did some checking online to try and find a match, and found one who seemed ok until I saw her photo. She looked way too much like my grandmother (who despised me for no reason). I startled badly when I saw her, and that was the end of that. No way could I have worked with her.

I would have considered a male T, but didn't find one that had the qualifications I was looking for. But to be honest, I don't know if I would have felt comfortable.

When I found a T that seemed suitable, I saw a photo of her and she looked kind and approachable, and that was definitely a factor. I rang her first too, and she sounded caring with a warm voice, and seemed understanding of my fears of seeing a T. She turned out really well.

 

[The Albatross]

For general therapy or marital counseling no preference. For sexual dysfunction, yeah I've got a preference. I chose a woman instead of a man but for the most part, I could have cared less unless I got results. I'm not inclined though to go back through sexual traumas with a male. That presents problems for me.

 

[Hashi]

I'm probably going to go against the grain here and say don't overthink it. What you've put in your post is, to me, possibly distraction stuff and avoiding real issues about choosing a therapist. So I'd suggest some care.

Yes, I would have loved someone older than me and I got someone a iittle bit younger, and I had to get over that because they were the right therapist for every other reason.

If you've considered all the other things that are important and you have a number of options, then I think you should feel free to indulge in the luxury of picking between candidates on the basis of a 15 year age gap. If your starting point is the 15 year age gap, then all I can do is wish you well.

If the nature of your trauma makes this a deal breaker, then go with the deal breaker. Other than that...

When it comes to healing, I have always cared much less what my therapist looks like than cared about whether they were the right therapist for me. Sometimes preconceptions, egos etc need to step out of the way. And it's up to us to know the difference between nice to have and essential. I hope and trust you're doing that.

 

[Still waiting]

I want a hot mama;-). Oh also filthy rich :)

I was trying to be funny....


I suppose I would want someone who was kind and "motherly"...

 

[Shan-Nav01]

I didn't choose either of my first Ts, and I probably wouldn't have chosen either of them based on looks. My first one was a female who was easily old enough to be my grandmother, I can't explain it but something about her just bugged me, and I didn't get on well with her. My second one was male and old enough to be my father, he was quite tall (I'm only just 5ft and height can feel quite intimidating for me) and didn't look very friendly, he ended it at the end of the second session as he could tell that it was never going to work,

I get completely where you are coming from when you ask about looks, but I do agree with what others have said that you need to look at qualifications and technical stuff first, then if you have a choice choose between looks at the end!

 

[katiekat]

I'm 30, so finding a good therapist who is older will be easy enough as I don't want someone fresh out of college. I saw 2 student therapists a few years ago, both female. One was close to my age and I felt more inclined to want to be her friend, the other was also my age but didn't seem to understand me at all. I got the impression from her that she had a normal upbringing and wasn't capable of being empathetic about where I was coming from.

I've done some reading on transference and I think it plays a factor in who I want to see for my trauma because I don't want someone my mom's current age 60 because she's part of the reason I have PTSD. I think finding someone between the ages of 35+ and a bit younger than 60 is practical.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'll go with a huge no in my case. My current therapist is a male in his early 60's. My psychiatrist is a woman in her 40's, with both of them I like their approach and intelligence. I didn't base my decision on looks, age and only a small bit on gender (currently it does not matter but a few years ago it did) I don't see that as the lease bit important.

Agree with @Hashi in that you are over thinking it.

I've done some reading on transference and I think it plays a factor in who I want to see for my trauma

My impression of transference is that it is not a positive thing.

 

[zaniara]

I don't care about their looks, only their skills. And that we are a match, and since those things are so extremely rare the looks are not even in the game. Now I couldn't chose, since I'm lucky enough to get therapy almost for free at the trauma center within the public health care system. But at first I refused to see a male, and met a women who really wasn't a good match for me. They were kind enough to let me change therapist and I got assigned to see the male therapist who is 21 years older than me and at first I freaked out so badly because he has grey hair and is only 10 years younger than my father/first abuser.

But he is a truly great therapist and gradually I overcame the triggering factors and this in it self has been part of the healing factor.

Finding the right therapist can be so hard(I have had many that really didn't help) that you really can't afford dismissing someone because of how they look. If you do you are likely to dismiss them as soon as they do anything that triggers you. Which they WILL do, if severe PTSD is the problem and it's trauma therapy we are talking about. The trick is to work your way through it all and learn how to overcome the damage in your brain. It really can be done.

 

[Hashi]

When I started seeing my first therapist she had been practising for 9 years since she qualified, so she probably wouldn't have met your criteria. She was astonishing and helped me incredibly.

I'm older than you. I wouldn't want someone who had only just trained either, but 15 years - or 9 years - or perhaps even 5 years - is far from only just trained. I really do think that other things are more important.

And I have to say that what you're talking about gives me the impression of thinking about "comfort zone" more than "what I need", But I'm very willing to be corrected on that.