Do you ever feel hurt when your t is late for appointments?

[grit]

Thank you for sharing the details @hithere. It is truly horrific to have a session like this with a trusted professional. He really should call you and book a session to apologize. I think sometimes there are people who do not like their jobs or did deal with their shit and we become their target. I am so sorry... You went through this alone.

 

[susannahsays]

Ouch. That sounds awful. I don't understand why he acted like that. I keep trying to reason it out, but that just turns into wondering if there was somehow a miscommunication. And I don't know why I should give him the benefit of the doubt instead of you - plus there are things that can't really be explained by miscommunication. I really can't think of any reason why it would have been appropriate for him to bring up his hurt feelings during this session. I also think his "Your time is up" was just horrible. I can only imagine the confusion you must have felt at such treatment. Something must have really been wrong with him to treat you like that. Maybe he was having really severe countertransference for some reason and utterly failed to manage it. Whatever the cause, he was at fault and his behavior was appalling. I'm horrified that when you honored him with your trust by disclosing, your therapist behaved so unacceptably and traumatized you.

 

[somerandomguy]

Some people are just shitty at their jobs. I'm sorry you had the misfortune to find a therapist that really should have been in any other line of work.

It wasn't you. It was him.

 

[Gs172003]

I’d been seeing the therapist for 8 months. He was helpful. He was nice and attentive, and that contributed to me trusting him.

I had been living in distress trying hard to avoid memories and feelings and thoughts surrounding a particular traumatic rape by two men when I was a preteen. I had never uttered anything about this event to anyone ever. (It is complicated because it led to some life-changing situations that lasted for decades & even going on now) I went into the sessions week after week for 4 months trying to tell the traumatic story and I would end up just sitting there completely unable to speak. The words would just freeze in my throat and I'd say nothing.

The kind therapist would say things like, "evenutally you will tell me." On other days he’d say, "I'm patient, but I'm a short-term therapist so I can't be patient forever." One day at the psychiatrist office I had a full-on movie-style flashback of the traumatic event because of the way the office is configured and something that happened that triggered me. That intrusive memory was coarsing through me at a 1,000 volts of electricity for about a month leading up to the appointment that I originally posted about above at the beginning of this thread.

He had been very late 4 times in row; very late. Sessions are 45 minutes sharp and he came out after I had been waiting for 15 minutes very anxious about sharing the traumatic event. I write about that session above. I was so confused and taken aback when he looked at me and said because of my mood he wouldn’t talk to me further in that session.

So after posting here on myptsd and some suggestions to bring it up to him at the next session, I decided I would go the next session and tell him how I was feeling and talk with him about my thoughts. I went to the next session (after the original post above) with a bullet point list of questions to ask before I shared the trauma.

The list included telling the therapist I needed a lot of encouraging words said to me in order to continue trying to share. I needed to hear that it was hard work to try and do therapy and I needed to hear from him things like "good job , keep trying," and "this is hard, I understand." I was trying to ask for that. I was so nervous to share the trauma and so nervous to ask for help. So nervous to ask for assurance that I was, indeed, welcome and that his tardiness was not an indication of procrastinating to see me.

I wanted to bring up how I felt when he said because of my mood (I was upset) that he wouldn’t talk to me. So, I brought up the first two points and he jumped backwards in his seat and said,, "no one who knows me would ever say these things about me!" I was REALLY very confused when he said that--what things was I saying? He then commanded, "You need to hurry up and share your trauma now! You are running out of time!" He was stiff & his face not friendly (at all).

I really wanted to please him and obey any rules, so quickly said, "ok," and abandoned any idea of trying to get an understanding of the previous session. I forced myself to hand him another paper I had written details about the traumatic events that "set up" the trauma. I set up the storyline in writing on this paper. I handed him the paper and said, "here you can read this--but I can't tell you the details of the middle part yet, but after you read this, I will tell you the end part where I have strong memories."

He read it and when finished he looked at me and then I spit out the words: "so the last thing I remember is me crawling away on my hands and knees into the bathroom and laying down against the door so they couldn't get in. And they were pushing on the door against my body and I could see their laughing faces through the crack of the door," I literally spit those words out quickly while leaning forward in my chair, with no eye contact. He responded immediately, "So what? - he raped you."

—silence…… (it really sounded like he spoke it in a tone that meant: "big deal. so what" (I was stunned. I felt slapped. I about died inside)

He shook the paper in his hand, (I was now looking at him) and he said "is this what has taken you four months to tell me?" I said, "Yes." He responded, "Why did you want to tell me this?" His tone was demanding. I was just struck in my heart at the question--I was bewildered.

My mind raced with the thoughts, weren't we doing therapy? While my mind raced for an answer he said, "Well... I imagine that you want to be unburdened by it. I imagine that you would want to receive care. But I can't give that to you because you cause me stress. You cause me distress. " Then he glared at me.s

All the humiliating emotions of the trauma were tangibly hanging in the air, I looked at him so bewildered. He started pointing into the air with his two index fingers and said, "You are here,- you are there- you are over here. Sessions with you are difficult-- you are always all over the place." Then he dropped his arms and looked at me with disgust. He started counting on his fingers saying, "1.) the level of anxiety you have is stressful for me, 2.) the level of distress you are in. … (silence) … He paused, looking at me with serious disdain. “What exactly did you hope to hear from me?” (--silence—)“Because nothing I say ever seems good enough for you.-- The level of anxiety you have," he shook his head and then just looked at me with a look that said, "you're an awful person"

At this, an internal shift happened inside me. I felt a huge distressing "wailing" rising up inside of me, but I had to stifle it and take control of it. I knew I had to walk out of the medical complex past other patients and personnel, past a big fancy lobby that is crowded with people coming and going. I had to walk outside into my community as my work office is just across the street. I knew I could very well see anyone I work with or personally know in the halls and elevators of the building. The "professional me" who deals with difficult work scenarios took over and calmly and quietly (and submissively as possible) asked, "are you saying you have hurt feelings?"

He put his hand on his chest, and said "yes, sometimes I feel hurt." I quietly nodded and looked at him with submission and a calm demeanor. He handed me the paper, and said "put that away. Your time is up. " The look on his face is hard to describe. Detest is the only word I can use. I felt "detested." I was lost and I was confused. I was mostly mortified, humiliated, and ashamed.

I walked out of the room. I walked into the elevator. Inside the lobby I walked past the four greeters at the info-desk who smiled and said, goodbye. I nodded back at them, walked out into the sunshine. I walked to my car.

Unfortunately, standing next to my car I felt another part of me inside, I felt very detached from this person who was me, very stupidly, foolishly, yet very calmly called his voicemail and said, "You asked me what I had hoped to hear from you and I think I had hoped to hear 'thank you for sharing that' and 'im sorry you went through that.' That's what I think I was hoping to hear." I hung up the phone, and I got in my car and drove away. To do this day I have absolutely ZERO memory of where I drove to or what I did next.

Please tell me that jackass wasn't a trauma therapist? And even if he isn't he sure as hell shouldn't be a therapist...period. I'm sorry that person treated you like a paycheck.

 

[hithere]

Some people are just shitty at their jobs

@somerandomguy thank you for your response. It helps to hear this. I don't know why it's an injury but it was a deep injury I'm slowly getting over.

Please tell me that jackass wasn't a trauma therapist?

Yes, he believes he is a trauma therapist. His credentials are stellar CBT credentials from very well known and respected schools. He is a strict cbt only type of therapist. Also, thank you for responding. The support is really helping me.

I don't understand why he acted like that. I keep trying to reason it out, but that just turns into wondering if there was somehow a miscommunication. And I don't know why I should give him the benefit of the doubt instead of you -

It's exactly as I explained it. And the previous session set the stage. If I had it to do over I would not have taken in the list of questions or the told him what I needed to feel safe. I instintively on a certain level could tell he had some deep seated problem where he gets his feelings hurt easily and misinterprets. I ignored my instincts, and told myself instead, "he is a therapist, he is trained to talk about things that bother the client to work it out" I did not have one ounce in me of anger, hostility, or criticism. Merely, I had questions and knew he "couldn't read my mind" so was trying to communicate, "this is what I need to feel safe." Instead he freaked out, got angry and ordered me to "better hurry up and tell your trauma, because time is running out!" I have a deep seated neuorosis to please people and ignore my needs, so I wanted to obey and told the trauma. Biggest mistake ever. The fall out was devastating.

I actually returned desperately trying to correct the relationship. At the next session I told him felt devastated and he got angry at that, and said he should be able to respond to me how ever he wanted and I shoul not be devastated. It was just injury after injury. Very toxic.

 

[Muttly]

That sounds really awful. I am sorry you experienced that. He really does sound horrible at being a T