Do you ever feel like there are just no words...

[Mice]

I find it so hard to open up to my therapist about my experiences. We finally got to a point where I accepted we try to talk about it directly. I freeze. My gaze is locked, I can't move, I have these images in my head. I am better a staying grounded. I squeeze my stress ball and remain kinda responsive. But if I try to share the energy building up inside of me, I just can't find the words... I remain speechless and she tries to help me and I'm silent but I'm frustrated with myself for not being better at his. It just makes me feel so alone...

Does that happen to anyone else? And do you have any tricks? My therapist suggested we use art instead of words, that maybe I can show her drawings or songs or choreographic she (I dance) that speak to me and we can start there

 

[A little lost]

I get that too. I use a notepad app on my kindle. Write a specific word or words.....the ones have in my head that I know I just can't say, just too much self disgust/pain/shame in them!! Pass it to the therapist, let them read it, then delete it immediately. No permanent record staring at me, therapist hasn't been looking at me when she found out ( which I can't handle) and she Now knows where the conversation is going to be able to get me through the sticky bits...( Please excuse the phrasing, just how I think of it).
Keep that stress ball and play with it , not just squeeze it....I roll mine, prod mine...whatever it takes to keep a bit of my brain diverted from what I'm saying.

 

[Rumors]

Gosh, yes I become speechless. I feel so pre-verbal. It's like my mouth won't even form the words. It can be really frustrating. I wish I had an answer but I really don't. I think it just comes out when you are ready...

 

[whiteraven]

Yes, I used to write. I had a therapist who encouraged email between sessions because I simply had so much trouble talking about the very hard stuff.

We're sort of on an extended break right now, because I lost all the words. I don't know if there is anything beyond that.

 

[Rebecca_helena]

That is a description of me in therapy for the last twelve years! So frustrating! And I used to hate my self for it! Wanting to talk but then in the office, totally mute. Not a word! Once or twice a week for years and years and years. And needless to say, therapy didnt do much part from making me frustrated and more symptomatic.

Now I see a traumaspecialist. I still cant talk much. And that is because it is so difficult facing the emotions connected to the memories. Also because I simply dont know how to do it since Ive been quiet for most of my life. We have solved the problem with me emailing her inbetween sessions, since I have no problem writing about it. When we meet we work with Emdr wich is great since there is mostly non verbal elements to it. And Im finally doing progress!

 

[ladee]

I understand. I have lived so much of my life in my head, when asked how I 'feel' about something, I just go mute... am better at finding words today, but it often times feels like that wasn't really what I was wanting to say....
I would have loved having a T that would help me thru art... I know I can express myself that way, and be able to say what i was feeling at the time....
You are not alone in having a hard time putting things into words.... give yourself time and patience... the last part is hard , I know... Glad you are here tho.... for some reason it's easier to talk to each other....

 

[whiteraven]

I've been doing some thinking about this, since my therapist and I are kind of on the outs and one of the reasons is this very thing. I used to have periods where I had so much trouble talking, but others where I did pretty well. But in one of my last sessions, I was having a super hard time, and just couldn't speak because I didn't feel safe at all. Toward the end of the session I had an angry outburst and said several things and he commented that my silence was not "being real."

It really angered me later, because in my estimation, the silence was about as real an expression of my state of feeling at that time as I could get. It was no less real than the angry outburst. Silence says a LOT.

 

[shimmerz]

he commented that my silence was not "being real."

lol. Jerk. When I go silent (not by choice but because I just don't have words or am pre-verbal) it actually doesn't GET much more real than that.

No idea who trained some of these professionals. Honestly. Morons.

 

[Deleted member 38906]

Sometimes what's happening or has happened to us and the emotions that go along with it is so big that words can't describe it so we freeze. I personally experience the same thing and feel like I'm mute in therapy. I tried getting a fidget spinner and using that at the beginning of therapy to put myself in a trance like state. It's helped a little. I also email my therapist between sessions with stuff that I know I won't be able to tell her directly in person. Now that the weather is getting nice we are having sessions in public on a park bench. I know it's a big no no in therapy world but if you can suggest your therapist to do that it might help you. The more you see her the easier it'll get.

 

[Sargonnas]

I become speechless all the time cause it means I have to face the demons I have inside. But once that demon is out then it cannot go back in and that's the way I think about it. Get it out and it never comes back, this is how we heal our broken selves

 

[Mice]

Omg thank you so much everyone, I've been offline for a while because of school, so sorry for the lack of response! I definitely feel a little less alone.. I've been in therapy a long time and I feel like I am a boring patient who has no clue what is going on... And now I'm ''kinda happy'' because I have stuff coming up that seems relevant, but I just can't express it.
At least, at my last session, my T and I spoke about my speechless moments and how it makes me feel stuck and isolated. She will be leaving soon and she is referring me to an EMDR specialist. She told me as well that it may be better suited for me as I have diffcutly verbalizing...

@whiteraven that must have been so frustrating... I had therapist getting annoyed at me when silent... my current therapist told me she uses my silence as a gage of suffering. She says the more difficult the subject, the less I speak. It doesn't solve the problem but her way of seeing this makes me feel less guilty
@Rumors do you ever worry about never being ready...?

 

[Rumors]

@Mice
No only because even if I am talking about how I can't talk, I am at least acknowledging there is an issue I am having trouble discussing. My therapist is good to point out that even talking about my difficulties talking about abuse is progress. It was 35 plus years before I ever acknowledged it happened. So, even though it may feel slow, I am at least acknowledging the elephant in the room which is more than I have ever done. It gives me hope. I have really come a long way, yet I have a long way to go... Just have faith that you will get there and give yourself some compassion about how it comes out. No judging...even when you take a step back and can't find words. Just know that the acknowledgement is progress. Even saying, "man I am having a hard time talking about this today..."
Best wishes!!!