Sexual Assault Do you ever feel lust for your molester or rapist later on?

[anonymous]

Thanks for that info @lookingfor help, it makes a lot of sense. I also appreciate the understanding and the advice not to be too hard on myself. This thread is helping me a lot.

I was able to fight off the feelings today, thankfully, and am feeling a lot of peace because of it. Knowing the possible roots of the feelings gave me the strength to fight, rather than freeze, etc.

 

[anonymous]

Bodies respond to sexual stimulation, even rape, and if that comes in and out, don't put too much attention to it, it happens to a lot of people, and yes I was appalled this or last year that those sexual feelings that came up in relationship to my Father. I was too embarassed to talk about it to my psychiatrist, despite being told about this stuff when I was in my early 20s in a child sexual assault group. I was shocked at the time of the idea of it. But bodies are bodies and they are set up for certain functions.

No help to offer of how to manage it, sorry about that.

 

[anonymous]

Oh wow, there's 2 of us Anonymouses now.

Yes, it is embarrassing to feel these feelings toward someone who hates me or has mistreated me or far worse. It was so confusing or puzzling at first. There was guilt too, until I read all the responses here and found out that I was far from alone. That helps too!

 

[anonymous]

(Anonymous 2 here) I was horrified when I first heard in a child sexual assault 8 week sesson, then I thought about it and it made sense, bodies are bodies, and they are hardwired to respond in certain ways. This is actually pretty common stuff for people who have been sexually abused as children.

 

[Rainbow87]

I can relate~my body responded when it happened. I am pretty sure I passed out. I was not penetrated- I was groped and he forced me to touch his genitalia. So I mostly remember the feeling. & I also know that I had a fantasy of sleeping with the perpetrator to gain back control. It doesn’t really make sense since I am not even attracted to males. & that was even worse for me than the assault-I just hated all the after feelings. There are just tooo many feelings after being violated...too many. My best friend slept with her perpretator 4 different times after she had been raped. It is a common thing to occur. I also think it has to do with minimizing what happened & thinking “if I sleep with him what happened was consenual or wasn’t that bad.” When really it is all bad. & none of it is okay. ever.

 

[anonymous]

Anonymous #1 here (OP) so sorry that happened to you @Rainbow87. This all really is so messed up for all of us here who have been violated in any way.

I feel I am being violated spiritually these days (and for most of my teen and adult years really). I did not mention this in my Original Post (OP) because it seems so impossible. However, there is a voice in my mind that tells me what to do to myself and I feel compelled to do it, these days, although I am not sure if this is some kind of voice from my past or some spirit in the present, moving me to do things to myself without my real consent. It seems to come from without me, it speaks to my body and gets me to feel desire, then it gets me to answer that desire by masturbation. There, I have said it now. This has been happening to me since I was about 15 years old. I do not know if this is a common experience among sexual assault victims or not. All I know is that I was molested as a young child by several men who were brought into our home by my perpetrator, until he was out of my life. Then, later on, I was date raped by a SO when I was not feeling well. Now, as several folks have said here, I might be trying to turn the tables on control. Or I might yet again, be being victimized. I just am not sure. It feels a bit like both.

Some days I can overpower it and be released from it, some days I can't seem to do so.

 

[anonymous]

Anonymous 2 here thank you for writing what you wrote Anonymous 1 because I have struggled with this as well. I thought I was just a really sick puppy. I have thought about discussing it with my psychiatrist, but felt too ashamed. And sometimes it is the only way I can orgasm.

 

[anonymous]

You are very welcome Anon #2. I am also so relieved to know that I am not alone in this either!

I was able to communicate about it with my Therapist recently, probably only because I have been addressing it here. My T explained that sexuality is a common part of life and that feeling these things are not abnormal. T did say that the voices would be considered hallucinations, but she did not seem surprised that I was hearing them or anything, as if they have come up with other patients too. She did not say that, but I kind of gathered it.

Anyway, Anon #2, I would recommend speaking to your T about this, if possible. Or your psychiatrist, if you have no therapist. If you can't seem to get the words out, do you do any kind of creative things? Maybe you can express it in poetry or something like that, or in a short story? (Fictional). What do you think? I am suggesting this because it really helped me today to express this out loud. I just want you to be able to talk about it or write about it too, so you can be helped! However, if you are not comfortable doing that, I will understand. I know how hard it is. I found it very difficult to talk about too.

 

[anonymous]

Thanks Anonymous 1

 

[Victory]

Do you ever feel lust for your molester or rapist or an abuser later on?

Sometimes my body reaches o...

I am not a doctor nor a therapist, but my best guess is that you're trying to reverse the trauma you've experienced by making the act your idea instead of theirs. The trauma is so severe and painful for you that you will do anything to neutralize it in your psyche, and who could blame you for trying to heal and protect yourself?
Does that make sense?

 

[anonymous]

OP here. (Anon #1) Yes, it does in some senses. Others have suggested it too.

 

[anonymous]

Anonymous 2 here

I am not a doctor nor a therapist, but my best guess is that you're trying to reverse the trauma you've experienced by making the act your idea instead of theirs.

Yeah

The trauma is so severe and painful for you that you will do anything to neutralize it in your psyche, and who could blame you for trying to heal and protect yourself?
Does that make sense?

Yeah as a little girl I used to tell myself stories, like I was part of a situation and didn't really mind. It was along the lines of me being a concubine, but that wasn't the word that I used but a story along those lines.