Do You Ever Have People Stop Loving You

[ms spock]

I'm scared of losing important people, accomplishments, and improvements in my symptoms. I am really scared. It controls a lot of what I do. Some times when I make progress my mind unconsciously fears what that means I will be losing.

This is understandable.

I'm afraid to show the people closest to me how intense my feelings can get probably because I am uncomfortable with it myself

You are not alone with this.

I hate to disappoint and let people down because I feel like I have done that my whole life. I just want someone to be proud of me or give me a hug after a tough day.

So perhaps ask this friend for a hug?

 

[falling_wave]

You could be projecting your feelings of shame and guilt onto this person and you may be self sabotaging yourself. In an effort to keep yourself to keep yourself safe, you may inadvertently escalate the situation with you intense feelings of fear and uncertainty. If you are projecting your feelings on to this person then no amount of them reassuring you is going to work.

I think I could be escalating things because of my fear and uncertainty but how can I get rid of that and act normal when it feels so strong?

So perhaps ask this friend for a hug?

I want to but here is my uncertainty with this one and kind of what led me to my title. Every time I mess up I feel like some small aspect of her care for me goes away. The first one was she hugged me all the time and then after I messed up she never has again. She used to come pop in casually or say something funny when I was in my room too long and it would get me straight out of my bad feelings if I was having them and we would have fun. Then I messed up and that stopped completely. I just feel like it's a slow but steady loss of her care for me. I am going to therapy tomorrow though so I will process it more and am open to my changing thought patterns if I can figure out how and I'm sure they aren't valid. I don't want to be oblivious either. Does that make sense?

 

[Julesnaz]

I'm sort of on the other end of things and am more in her type of position with my exhusband. He's messed up soo much over the years doing the same things and not learning from them that I, and now others around him, have gotten so tired of bailing him out and giving advice, that he asks for, that I've just sort of given up helping. It's not that I don't care about him anymore, it's just that for years it's been the same exact conversations and advice given it gets tiring and old. Perhaps once she sees you're changing things will get back to normal between you, but then unfortunately it might not. I hope things turn around for you guys.

 

[ms spock]

I think I could be escalating things because of my fear and uncertainty but how can I get rid of that and act normal when it feels so strong?

It is not easy and I don't know where you are in your journey as well. So I am glad you are seeing your therapist. In DBT there is this thing called urge surfing or distraction.

And I totally get that thing of the fear and uncertainty being so overwhelming that you can barely manage them. Oh I so lived there until a couple of weeks ago.

I must say I don't do so well with this stuff, but I am working on it. Different things work for different people.

I want to but here is my uncertainty with this one and kind of what led me to my title. Every time I mess up I feel like some small aspect of her care for me goes away. The first one was she hugged me all the time and then after I messed up she never has again. She used to come pop in casually or say something funny when I was in my room too long and it would get me straight out of my bad feelings if I was having them and we would have fun. Then I messed up and that stopped completely. I just feel like it's a slow but steady loss of her care for me. I am going to therapy tomorrow though so I will process it more and am open to my changing thought patterns if I can figure out how and I'm sure they aren't valid. I don't want to be oblivious either. Does that make sense?

It makes sense.

You are able to think both sides of it through which is pretty good.

Building up Distress Tolerance is a good idea. I am still on my L Plates with this stuff.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/self-sooth.html

I use this section the most:
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/instant_mindfulness.html

 

[ms spock]

This is my favourite one.

http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance2.html

 

[Mishap]

@falling_wave You've gotten a lot of good input here. I hope that you are able to make some progress with your therapist on this. It sounds like a very important relationship and you're doing the right things to try to get it back on track.

My only advice would be to tell her how you feel. Go ahead and cry, be vulnerable if you can and she's not hurt you (which it seems she hasn't). Tell her you miss her, you're doing your best and you're having a hard time and need her support now more than ever. She's not a mind reader any more than you are. She may think you just need space to get it together. She doesn't have to be the one to give the random hug. You can do that, too. :) Hopefully your therapist will have some helpful ideas for you and you'll be able to put things back the way you need them to be.

 

[ms spock]

Also it might sound very mooshy. I am a most mooshy person. Make her a card and thank her for the good times. Get her a little pressie or pick her a flower on the way home, and put it in a jar for her. Little tokens of affection can mean a lot.

 

[Mishap]

I agree with @Ms Spock It might be hard to find flowers to pick this time of year, but you could cut out some paper ones that would have the same effect. Write a reason you're thankful for her on each stem. She'll keep them forever.

 

[shimmerz]

I know I caused the damage

I feel like you are giving yourself way too much credit here. Who is to say you are all right and she is all wrong - especially when she is telling you it is not true. Is she a liar? Some would take offense to that insinuation.

I see where it may come from (most of us are taught everything is our fault and we continue being our persecutor ourselves without even knowing it using this type of behaviour, imho).

Maybe she is reacting to your 'I know what you are thinking regardless of what you are telling me' attitude rather than the issue you think you caused in the first place?

 

[scout86]

I've debated a little about saying this........ Bear in mind, this comes from my own warped perspective on life.

Often, when it seems like someone stopped loving you, they really never loved you in the first place. People want other people in their lives for ALL KINDS of reasons. Sometimes it's because they love them. (Rumor has it, anyway.) Sometimes it's to fulfill some need of their own. That's not always bad. Sometimes it's mutually beneficial. Sometimes it turns out that things change and one party isn't getting what they wanted from the situation and then things change.

She MIGHT, for example, have wanted someone in her life that she could rescue. At a time when you needed to be rescued, that could work for both of you. If things change and you are less in need of rescuing, she might not get that "need to rescue" met. And she might not even be aware that that's what's going on.

I'm not saying this IS what's going on in your case. I don't know either of you, or the situation and I don't even want to guess. Just throwing it out there are a thought.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I can relate to your soul search. There are many caring responses offered to gleam from and many points for introspection which is a solid place to start.

I just don't know if they will get there. Does anyone have any insights or similar experiences to this?

I am currently reflecting on love and bonds as things have changed. However, at times even exchanging the word 'love', falls short in explaining what that entails from one mind set to another. For example my tribe has over 27 words exclusively for expressions concerning the conditions of snow. While I grapple with four letters for the basis of my expression and sharing with my mate.

I recently purchased a book to review positive psychology and the complexities of our mind set with love. Love 2.0 by Barbara L. Fredrickson, PhD Within the contents is a working vocabulary, science, social and global concepts within a healthy frame work.

Perhaps, I can start from ground zero and review where my own head & heart rest, then understanding myself a bit better after checking to see if I have a good handle on what I want to share...extend my love with the emptiness (or concerns) with resolutions from my side. As it takes two ...well, it will be his part of the dance.

All things change, do not be afraid. Words like wiser, richer, deeper, stronger offer that thought. Have trust in yourself that you have value, much to offer and can be loved for who you are.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm with scout on this one but refrained from posting as everyone else saw it a different way. I think she needed someone to rescue and you fit the bill. And I'd say that in your gut you know it's a bad, controlling type situation as your intro post even said to not tell you it's a bad relationship. Well, I'm telling you it may very well be. You've never had a good relationship so how do you know this one is a good one? It might be a bad one, but better than what you're used to.