Do You Ever Wonder "what If"

[Deleted member 12723]

I don't do that. I am doing the best I can with who I am today. I'd like a do over tho. That would be nice. Especially knowing what I know now. That would make things turn out alot better.

 

[Loveneverfails]

Trying to rediscover who I could have been, so maybe I can point my future in that direction.

This is exactly what I've been doing. It's important to discover your true self, no matter who or what that is underneath all the pain. When you know who you are, everything else seems to be a lot less difficult.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Yeah...But I have been ill for so long, I don't think I could even imagine what it might be like. Even in my dreams I am sick.

 

[Loveneverfails]

(((Ayesha)))

 

[AngelaMarie]

I am PTSD in a way. I was traumatized so badly by the time I was 5 years old I never recovered. I don't know what life without PTSD is. It sure would be nice not to be so damaged though.:(

 

[maddog]

I think I need to grieve for it, but not get stuck in it. I find both those things difficult.

Gosh, Hashi, I cannot "like" this post enough, you are so right.

Obviously, wallowing in the what ifs isn't healthy or productive long term. I'm a shocker for it when I'm spiralling into negativity, and it's very toxic after a time and brings out all sorts of self defeat and bitterness that are very different to normal healthy grief.

But the normal healthy grief part is actually ok, and important, and needs to have its time, I really believe that. I think it's normal to question the way in which our lives and circumstances evolved and to accept that there were probably times at which things could have been different if certain things had been done and not done.

I think it's related to learning the healthy way to say "it's not fair", which is also vitally important.

I think one of my most unexpectedly jarring "if only" moments came out of the blue in a T session one day when I was talking through the events of one of my most traumatic Christmas holidays as a child, January 1993. I made the comment about the date really just in passing, as I was trying to figure out how old I was, and T commented equally out of the blue that in January 1993 he was working in this very building as a child abuse investigator.

Something froze in me at that, a sudden realisation that just as I was trapped in my isolated childhood hell, somewhere out there in the world, unbeknowns to me, were people who could have helped me, could have made a difference, changed even one moment in my life that could have changed so many more, if only there had been somehow a way for me to know this and to connect...

The grief of that realisation was sharp and extreme, yet facilitated what I believe was a very very healthy "what if" discussion with T from which I walked away feeling peace.

Sorry, rambling again, just wanted to say how not black and white this whole issue is, and how even apparently self defeating statements like the if onlies have their place in the grieving cycle if managed properly.

MD