Do You Feel That You Are More Susceptable To Consequences Than Others?

[Fadeaway]

I am not sure consequences quite the right term, but it is the best my brain can come up with right now. I just know that I have to be more careful than most people to prevent negative consequences.

It started at a young age. I noticed I was more likely to get in trouble for minor offenses than kids who committed larger offenses. If it was a group of children doing the same thing, like talking to loudly I would be singled out.

Contrary to what my grandparents claimed I feel like I was a well behaved child. I was terrified of getting into trouble, and the punishments for minor infraction were excessive. I was invisible in every way to them, my mistakes however were not.

This pattern has followed me into being a teenager and adulthood. As a teenager I was always the one telling people not to speed. Telling people to be careful and not put themselves in vulnerable positions because if I dared do anything risky the consequences were disastrous. Every one else seemed able to go out and get into normal teenage mischief unscathed. My mom didn't care so I imposed my own curfew and wouldn't you know it? The one time my friend "M" convinced me to break it, we were almost raped. The only saving grace they drank too much and the one guy started puking right before. My mom on the other hand didn't care about that. she refused to come get me because I "needed to walk on the wild side for once."

As an adult, I walk the straight and narrow, but if heaven forbid if I speed 5 mph over the limit while other people are driving10 mph, I will get the ticket.

I recently made a mistake and snapped at a friend. The result left me struggling with SI after multiple friends turned on me for it and said such cruel things that I could never say to a person.

There are so many other instances but the fear keeps me unable to enjoy life. Twice I have been evaluated for BPD because I do struggle with unregulated emotions and some of the other symptoms. I think I have like a score of 3-5. Anyways, both times I was told it was ruled out because I am too overly cautious. l rarely drink because I fear having lowered inhibitions. I really do know my limit and stick to it on the rare occasion I do drink.

Now, I know what you are saying, I post here impulsively sometimes. Yes, that is true, I do, but I need my anti-anxiety meds to do so and I am also consistently anxious about it afterwards.

I guess you could say I live in fear of consequences and overly correct my behavior as a result.

Am I alone in this?

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, this is my experience as well. Very good thread. Thank you.

 

[GrayOwl]

I don't think you are alone at all.
I believe some people feel as you do.
I also think perhaps you are very sensitive and caring, which may make you perhaps a little hypersensitive?
I find myself that way sometimes.

Also, I think that people who are hard working and sensitive are taken advantage of. Most humans care so little for others around them or how their actions affect others. It's just easier to pick on other people or point out their mistakes, no matter how small - so they can feel bigger and justify their carelessness.
So there are reasons why we feel this way. It is depressing sometimes seeing how other people seem to single us out or criticize us - so it is important to really work on tuning out the negatives and work on self esteem.
We end up feeling this way for valid reasons. But there are also valid reasons to work through these emotions and feel confident and good about ourselves.
I would be very interested in hearing how other people cope with these emotions.
Thank you. Good post.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm not sure that I actually experience more negative consequences that the next person, but I spend a lot more time worrying about the possibility of them and doing everything I can think of not to upset anyone or not to do anything I'm not supposed to do, because of it. It's one kind of hypervigilance I think. Makes my life both exasperating and boring.

 

[Suzetig]

the one telling people not to speed. Telling people to be careful and not put themselves in vulnerable positions because if I dared do anything risky the consequences were disastrous.

I get this, I'm incredibly cautious about not getting into trouble or getting something wrong because, for me, the consequences feel like they're life threatening. The reality is that negative consequences aren't life threatening or disasterous - I've not died yet! But that feeling of it not being ok to bend the rules or walk on the wild side can be all pervasive.

It means I struggle to know what is ok risk taking and what is reckless, because it all feel reckless to me, and reckless means wrong and wrong means I'll be beaten to a pulp. Because that's what happened all the time.

I keep checking out with people I trust to see if they think I'm being careless and keep on pushing the boundaries a little bit st a time, but I recognise fear as being my starting point for everything.

 

[Gs172003]

Oh I know I do. Especially in my family. I've been the scapegoat my whole life.

 

[Friday]

I'm very much the opposite. Rushing in where angels fear to tread, and getting off far better than I deserve.

It IS when I try to be cautious & reasoned & do things "right" instead of flying by the seat of my pants that things just have a habit of going seriously sideways :wtf: The hell? The one time I don't just, aaaargh. Vexing. Guess it's true what they say; 'Audaces fortuna iuvat - Fortune favors the bold.'

 

[Teasel]

Relate to this. Also as well as being more likely to suffer consequences they are likely to be much worse consequences.

I also find myself feelng guilty for things I haven't done!

 

[Powder]

Yes and no, depends, but this seems to play a HUGE role in my life, whichever side of this wall I happen to be at the moment. I am paranoid about this at times of change and stress or responsibility for others.

Culpability. Blame. Whipping Boy/Girl. Sure, yeah, done that growing up tons. Got told all kinds of lies, too.

It goes into "magical thinking," too. Like the time I lied about what I did, and at that moment, as if by magic, the ticket stub showing what I really did happened to flit out of my purse pocket and landed in front of the person I was lying to. No joke. Caught red-handed. But this only happened with my Narc parents. The curse dies therein. It is as if, when you are in the presence of a malignant Narc (or just evil person) the Universe's rules by which reality operates is pulled into the world of the Narc. That world is unfair and hostile and blaming. Fire and brimstone, or undeserved gifts and blessings for those who have done nothing but manipulate to earn them.

I believed that I was 100% accountable to some avenging angel that, like some mean nun, would hover over me and ensure perfection. But in time, I realized that this was all in my head and was the headgame of my Narcissist parents.

Those trapped with severely evil, mental people will tell you that the world looks so different and really IS different, once they are no longer taking up space in your head. You actually manifest a different reality.

This is why relationships with abusers of any kind is SO toxic. The poison is part of how you see your solar system, which all centers around "their sun."


Getting blamed (and punished severely) for what others have done is the lot in life of a child born into a family of Narcissist adults. Narcs have a current favorite and scapegoat at any given moment; the favorite can literally "do no wrong" but the scapegoat "can do no right" and will pay for any wrong going on that is perceived. The Narcs see nothing wrong with such unfairness. They sit on the throne and anything they don't enjoy is "wrong."

They often said, "life isn't fair," and they often saw to it.

I come back to this insanity with the truth that life is fair mostly when I endeavor to make it fair. And, no, I can't always make it be fair. I wish I could. As a kind and caring person, I do whatever is in my power to ensure others are treated fairly and with compassion. as well as how they ask to be treated, respecting their wishes.

I'm told I go further with this in my career than my peers, as a compliment mostly, and I am learning to let it sink in a little, rather than feel a freak, over-reacting to being around those with no soul for so long.

Having a soul means I wish life were fair, and that good, caring folks always got what they deserved, and that evil, cruel bullies always got either what they deserved, or were removed from harming themselves or others somehow, that we could be warned off and immune to them.

And rather than dance to the beat of that vengeance, I work on the bright side and do whatever I can to help those who I can help. Including me.

In believing that if evil Narcs can do damage, then I can do the opposite and actually make small repairs to the world around me, I change my perception of reality and create a better world around me. Instead of my own comfort, I work to make comfortable everyone in my sphere, actively empowering them and taking in their input with listening, imagining, empathy, and safety for them to be themselves.

 

[GrayOwl]

Thank you Muse.
Very well spoken.
I can't add anything of value additional except a lot of exclamation points! ! ! !! ! !
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

 

[F_uckYourselves]

Holy crap, yes. You've articulated something I've often felt but never knew quite how to describe.

I have an ongoing joke about this with a friend. He's an instigator who likes to say things to make me laugh at inappropriate moments. Without fail, I'll get reprimanded for laughing but he'll get off scot-free, even if he's also laughing at whatever he said. It's extraordinary. Aside from that, I've often felt like I'm way likelier to experience actual consequences for wrongdoing (real or imagined) than most people, even if their behavior is way worse than mine.

I think there are two reasons for it. One is that people like us tend to be way more sensitive to others' feelings and needs than most as a matter of survival, so we're likelier to subsume our own feelings and desires to accommodate people. When they fail to reciprocate, it's easy to feel like everyone on the planet is just a selfish, insensitive asshole, but I think in reality it's that they simply aren't hardwired the same as us. They never had to be able to anticipate other people's emotional states without being told in order to stay safe, so they just don't.

The other part of it, I think, is that because we're so sensitive and accommodating it sets a precedent that we know better, so when we screw up it's amplified by the belief that we must have known exactly what we were doing wrong, which makes our offenses seem way more egregious than if they were just mindless, buffoonish mistakes.

 

[Andie]

I am not sure consequences quite the right term, but it is the best my brain can come up with right no...

I can relate.
Growing up I was criticized a lot by my parents and seemed to be invisible unless I was doing something wrong. I remember that both of them would come and look at me to see if I was doing something wrong a lot as a kid; otherwise that would leave me alone and basicly ignore me untill they needed me for something. I'm learning that the way they patented me was not healthy. I carry with me a huge fear of criticism fear to the point of paranoia that ppl will catch me doing something wrong; even though I'm not doing anything wrong and I will have to defend myself against someone who has already decided that I am guilty. I find it translates to me being extra careful to be a good person and to never leave a shadow of a doubt in anyone's mind that I could do anything wrong. I also have a history of SI and have been diagnosed BPD.