Do You Hide Parts Of Your Self/life Away?

[Rumors]

Just wondering SOL, do you ever get tired of feeling like you have to keep secrets so that you don't have the scrutiny of others? I do. It's tiring sometimes.

I know that there isn't such a thing as universal acceptance, but it would be nice to feel like you don't have to bury things away for fear of judgement and betrayal. I keep things away because those around me tend to use it as ammunition at a later date. It isn't illegal stuff, I don't do anything bad or morally wrong, it is just emotional things. Things I could use support on instead of criticism, things that make me who I am. Sometimes it would feel nice to have someone who WANTS to help you carry the load not dump more load and leave.

Anyway, that's just my take on the subject. Hope you are able to keep that going!! Best wishes!

 

[rightkindofme]

I think I used to hide things more. I am a weird combination of very open and very closed. In real life in person I rarely speak about anything that has happened to me or what kind of day I am emotionally having. However I blog and in my blog I say absolutely any and every thing that comes through my head. If you keep up with my writing and see me in real life it is like seeing the diary of Mr. Jeckyll while working with Dr. Hyde as your day job.

Folks tell me it is disconcerting. They had no idea I felt that way. I'm a good actor. People think I am happy, healthy, and well adjusted. Ha.

Not everyone likes me. I lose friends periodically because I am such a d!ck and I just have to live with it. *shrug* I need to write. I just have to. Mmmm compulsions.

 

[piratelady]

I'm a good actor.

Same here. I appear to be happy and well-adjusted. Truth is, I am anything but. We actually sort of discussed this in therapy this week. I am seeing someone and worry that when/if he learns some of the things I work very hard to hide, he will run. It's almost easier for me to hide some things.

 

[rightkindofme]

I married the first person who asked me to tell him my *whole* story. I don't think I could be married to someone who didn't want to know.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

Boxes aside, I do hide my literal scars -- self-injury.

I don't hide my ptsd in general, though I don't advertise it either. However, if I see someone who is having a hard time and I notice behaviors indicative of axiety-depression, I offer something of my situation in hopes that he/she sees they can trust me to unload a bit if they need to. It's a sort of barter-and-trade in truth.

If someone who knows I have "issues," asks me something and I feel that person is asking from a place of sincerity, I'll share. So many folks don't know anything at all about PTSD that I feel it's a way to inform.

However, on my really bad days, I don't.

 

[Jacnic]

I live a fairly open life, on the surface, but if anyone tries to dig deeper, then I am closed.

I learned a long time ago that others do not and cannot understand!

 

[Mercy]

Earlier, when I was in the 'find the truth of events' stage, I seemed to need to tell people. I guess I wanted to know if they would become friends or shy away. It was a mistake. Even admitting one rape scandalizes people and stigmatizes me. I gave out way to much information. Most people couldn't stand it.

So I have learned to hide my truths deep inside. When I am triggered and can't leave to space where I am, I let myself or find that I am frozen. If caught frozen, I lie and say I was thinking about something. I am usually ashen and can then go hide in a bathroom stall for a while. I know it takes around 25 minutes for the adrenaline to wash out of my bady. I learned the hard way that keeping secrets is the only way I can coexist with relatively undamaged people.

Yes, it is sad and lonely

 

[Marie10]

Yes, I hide a lot. I hide the fact that I went to prison and that my ex husband used it as a way to blackmail, abuse me and keep me from my children although I never lost custody. I hide that I was raped more than once. I hide that I was in a very abusive relationship, that I spent 1 1/2 years as a teenager in rehabs since my father could not handle my rebellious behavior. I hide that I was kicked out of high school and sent to a secondary school. I hide about the reality of my former marriage and about my ex-husband. I hide some other things as well.

I feel comfortable on here which is why I'm sharing. I feel that most people who know me, really don't know me. There are a few who I have told some secrets to (except for one) and they have been able to keep it a secret and not hold it against me.

Actually the more I think about it, I have told some people tidbits and they have used it against me. These people are ones who I did not establish a long friendship with and I was too trusting. That's another problem, I'm too trusting and want approval that I shoot myself in the foot. I really have to watch myself.

I see a therapist and I tell her the truth as I remember it. I find it helps to tell someone who is a professional and start slow, establish the trust with the therapist.

 

[Jacnic]

Hugs, Marie :hug:,:hug:

With only a very few close friends, and even with my H, I only give out tiny little bits if information at a time - always on guard for a possible rejection or negative judgements - Always expecting the worse.:(

I am very careful to not add more hurt to that which I am already carrying from the past.

A question - which comes first: having ptsd or the need to keep things hidden? Does the need to keep the hurt hidden actually make one more prone to developing ptsd?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

GAH! Now I feel more exposed just by writing this thread and admitting the mere fact that I hide parts of myself away. I want to go and hide.

 

[Jacnic]

SOL, can I send you a hug? :hug:

Jac

 

[who am i kim]

I'm a good actor

I have done this since childhood to survive. I feel like a chameleon that changes as the circumstances change. I am a people pleaser that way I cannot get into trouble.