Do You Hide It?

[xena21]

I lost my job to it, so all my co-workers wanted answers. I had no idea what to explain. I was in law enforcement but they were still working. I wasn't there so I couldn't really explain myself well enough to make them understand why I was gone all of a sudden. My job wasn't the only reason why I had PTSD, but they had no idea, so that's why they were so confused. They had no idea I had been abused my entire childhood. Neither did anyone else except my Mom.

So leaving such a high profile job was such an impact in my life where everyone wanted answers from me. EVERYONE wanted to know why I left such a great job. Why would I do such a thing? I couldn't tell them I had PTSD. I felt crazy. I felt like a freak. That was then...a few years ago, and now I still can't explain it. My family and friends just think I have a screw loose and somehow lost it while I was at work one day and couldn't go on. They can think what they want, but I can't seem to bring myself to explain anything to them on why I was successfully working as a special agent and now I'm on disability.

 

[IWIK]

@Namenotdiagnosis I get upset when I hear people complain about their kids or when they cry about "accidentally " getting pregnant and calling it an "oops" then crying about it. I want to tell them to shut the hell up!! They should have kept their legs closed then! So many people would do anything in the world to have that baby and can't! Or those who complain about how bad their kids are...I think how sad it is they don't realize how quickly that can be taken away from them forever. I've buried two of my children. No parent should ever have to do that. I would give the world to hear their voices....even if it were fighting or bickering or whining. Instead I get to talk to them through a cold stone. Too many take those things for granted.

 

[Namenotdiagnosis]

I understand and can relate to all of these, @IWIK I'm sooo sad to hear abt your losses, that's heart rendering , may in time you find peace . But you are so right pathetic excuses for mistakes they made and your absolutely right no mother should have to bury their child let alone two .
@EmmaDancing I too try to think that others may have felt pain and try to be kind but thinking and acting in this is very hard, I suppose it's how you define pain or problems. My T told me it was normal to feel like but it didn't feel right and especially as work were making me feel like I'm really selfish even though some of them know abt my PTSD .
@xena21 I m r sorry you lost your job , I totally get it coz I too nearly lost mine. It's really hard especially when your family are not aware, would you not think about telling them. I told my three sisters recently abt my traumas , I'm not confident enough to tell my brothers yet , my sisters were amazing and said to me that everything fell into space , things they'd obviously spoke abt to each other but not to me such as me losing it at a drop of a hat , my anger, my avoidance of certain places, my hatred for cinemas, y I don't drive etc etc. I also felt it was a big burden lifted off me. They still continue to support me , they don't ask ins and outs as my skeletal version made then distraught enough and I couldn't bear to see them so upset , but they are here when I need them. Your not a freak please don't say that, you are an extremely intelligent person , unfortunately life's circumstances and events have caused you pain and hurt and you learning to deal and live with this . Have you had any therapy? emdr is really good, hard, emotional, exhausting and scary but also very beneficial. I wish you all the luck .

 

[Tanishq]

Yes, now I will hide this fully until the person has earned my trust fully. I have learned this very hard way. Not to tell about PTSD to anyone, no matter how good or bad they look. First I will look for trust, if it is not there, I will stay silent and not disclose personal things. The best thing I have is this forum. Most safe place to talk about this PTSD and symptoms thing.

 

[IWIK]

@Namenotdiagnosis thank you. I have tried to be understanding to women in the situation but it is just one I've never been able to overcome. The one and only way.I could ever understand it is if it were an assault situation. Otherwise if she doesn't want to be pregnant.... don't have sex period. Birth control is NOT 100% ever! I would take that baby in a heartbeat. When we are supposed to be celebrating birthdays with cake and ice cream, opening gifts, decorating with balloons, hearing the giggles of little kids all over.....instead we are visiting the cemetery with flowers and Teddy bears. Looking at a hard cold stone and watching balloons drift up into the sky until they disappear. Eventually the tears start to come and what should be a day to celebrate is another reminder of a year that has passed of not having my son. Then two months later do it all over again for our daughter on what was her birthday.

 

[xena21]

would you not think about telling them

I would tell them...some I have in a very small way. I just can't explain very much...enough to let them see what is really going on. It is mostly do to shame I think, but also a lot due to fear that it will just get spread everywhere, because my family does not keep anything to themselves. I am so ashamed of everything that has happened that I don't want anyone to know.

Have you had any therapy?

I have had therapy. I have had DBT and CBT therapy in the past. Right now I'm in therapy one on one PTSD therapy with a psychologist and psychiatrist. I get therapy through the VA. So far it is just trying to see what fits. Anyway I know I need to figure things out still. Its just slow going.