Do You Say Sorry Too Much?

[kers]

I used to give blanket "sorries" all the time. Now I try to apologize more mindfully, especially in regards to what Nora describes, acting out the PTSD or trauma in my other relationships. If I feel I truly owe someone an apology, I make sure I do it at a time and in a place where we can both really hear me (not in a rush), and I make sure to explain why I'm apologizing (i.e., what I regret doing or not doing). For example, I want to apologize a coworker to whom I was rude and dismissive when she tried to address something work-wise. What I'll apologize for is not just the rudeness, but the fact that I wasn't hearing her--I ignored her concerns and dismissed her as a person. This means really looking at why I feel bad after I do something and understanding what makes me feel guilty. It's hard to look at yourself that way.

Then I will let the issue go. I used to feel like I had to keep apologizing for things. I understand now that if you regret something, you apologize to attempt to repair what you broke in the relationship, and that's all you can do until the other person is ready to put it to rest, too.

 

[cat]

I used to do it all the time. The reason for doing it - a lifetime of being made to feel I wasn't good enough & the guilt that goes with it.
Through therapy I've come to understand that I dont have to feel that way, that I am able to change my thoughts to more positive ones about myself. I find now that i can think about the situation & decide if i need to apologise without doing it automatically. I also find it easier to say I was in the wrong rather than trying to cover up my mistakes.

Therapy has been very liberating for me. Hope others find it is for them too.

 

[Nighthawk]

I think find everything accusatory, so I apologize for everything. Maybe if I don't say sorry they won't like me. Maybe if I don't say sorry they will be mad at me. My daughter gets on my case about it and tries to put it into prospective.

NH

 

[Sterre]

I'm sorry on a regular basis basically for taking up space on the planet, which I realize intellectually is nonsense but it's a really tough mindset to budge. So we say sorry, for being in the way, for things others have done to us, for things we have no control over, for breathing air others could be makng use of-whatever.- anni

I am so sorry for thinking I was the only one having this "sorry" issue.:D

Yeah, I can relate to much that's been said in the comments about apologising to much. I hate it when I do so, because on a rational level I know most of the things I appologise for, is not my fault. It just slips my mouth in a automatic manner.
I get mad at myself for apologising when there is no need for it, because I place myself in a submissive position towards others by doing so.As a result I feel unsafe and vulnerable,and start to feel uncomfortable towards these people.( which causes me to isolate myself, wich causes...ah, you get the picture) Arghhhh...I can see how it works but it feels like I haven't got much control over it.

 

[intothelight]

I'm sorry on a regular basis basically for taking up space on the planet, which I realize intellectually is nonsense but it's a really tough mindset to budge

I can sooooo relate to this statement. But there is another aspect of "sorry" that I am not sure I can explain very well. With PTSD they are some inherent negative thought patterns, and associated negative behavioral patterns. My interactions with people can be construed in a negative or hurtful frame even thought that was not my intent. In this case, sorry is more acknowledgment of their hurt, rather than my wrong doing. I am truly sorry that you hurt, but I am not beating myself up over their perception. (OK, this really doesn't make sense.)

For example, my family knows there are times I need to be alone and decompress. However, the time in which I chose to do that may not be convenient for them. I understand they may be hurt by my apparent lack of interest. I am sorry they hurt, but I am not sorry I isolate.

OK. Quitting while I am behind.

 

[Nighthawk]

Ok ITL Ill quit with you... I followed every bit of what you posted LOL

 

[Trinomial]

It depends who I am dealing with. If I am talking to someone who is in recovery from PTSD or self-esteem issues, and I say something nice, then get accused of validating them, I apologize and say "I didn't mean to validate you--I was stating an observation."

Or if there is a miscommunication--because as great as language is, words can be limiting at the same time (depending on what each person understands to be the meaning)--then I apologize for that too. Even though that is not necessarily my fault. Everyone's perception is different, which can lead to misunderstanding even if two people are technically agreeing to the same idea.

I'm rambling, but I hope you get the idea. People have what they think happened and make accusations, which I wind up apologizing for. I am trying not to be apologetic though, because then I am just validating people further. Such a pain.

 

[Grace11]

I say "sorry" waaaayyyy too much. All. The. Time.

 

[kers]

This came up in my therapy recently and I was intrigues when my therapist said, "You don't need to apologize unless someone is hurt." I assume an injury without first checking with the other person, I think.