Do your parts dream?

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
If this is related to my comment, no, i'm not homophobic at all.

It is.

And you do, by your very stressing the female alter 'doesn't make you gay' and then claiming the 'most WTF' is the dream, even the possibility, anything of you might be gay.

Because while dreams are just dreams, may be nothing?

A reaction to dream content while awake is rather telling of a lot of things.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
We don't delete around here like it... and I also wasn't saying it to imply you talking about your feelings is wrong. ;)

Just challenging.
We do that on ideas here a lot.

Discussion forum, take what helps and leave the rest.
 

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Homophobic much?

Interesting. I didn't interpret what was said as that at all. *shrug*

I know at least two of my insiders dream. It's been interesting; I have been coconscious with one of them while she was dreaming, which felt both very weird and really cool at the same time.

I also learn a lot from many of my dreams. It's like I am engaging with the inside environment when I'm asleep.
 

Powder

MyPTSD Pro
I've woken up slowly, and by "I" I refer to myself as the "ANP/host" who is just the "hostess with the mostess" of the time up front, that is. I've woken up audibly hearing other parts discussing what they don't like about the body, and how they would like it solved. In this particular time I'm mentioning, one part was complimenting a part that "has no feeling of hunger" and does not eat, as is very thin as a result. It was like "Props to you for being the most anorexic of the alters!" or something of that nature.

Well, I thought it was an "odd dream" and yet I was fully aware that it was not a dream and that it was my "extras" making small talk behind the stage. Since I thought that their thoughts "did not control me" and "were insignificant" (again, I'm the host, so I'm the only one who matters, riiigggghhhht???!!!) Wrong. I totally forgot about their insipid and crazy ideas. I went about my day.

For some odd reason I could not explain, I felt not even a little bit hungry that day. Hm. Oh well. So what? I forgot to eat. This continued for three whole days. Not only did I not feel even one pang of hunger, I barely felt thirst. And at the end of the three days, I did not see in color anymore. Everything was in black-and white, severe color blindness.

So, I had to stop and re-evaluate what was going on. As I scanned my memory to try to explain this phenomenon, I remembered the "insignificant conversation" between alters I had "overheard" upon waking up three or four days ago. They had decided I needed to loose weight and how to do it by starvation. They must have used passive influence. Even though I was still consciously out front, I was not in control of body senses, just mentation, and that only to a point. I think they did this to get my attention. As soon as I acknowledged their power, the effect was gone, and I was ready for an F-ing Cheeseburger!

This is just one slice of life with DID.

There's been lots of dreams. The body is female, and most parts are also female. There is at least three male parts: green dragon (if that is a part?) The Professor, Brain Box, Mr. George, the Victorian London Police Sargent who makes no apology for planting stolen goods on abusive men in order to hang them, since there was no CPS nor Battered Women's Shelters back then, and he grew up beaten by his father. He wears a sable Derby style hat and suit, with subtle pinstripes on the waistcoat. He smokes. He is soft spoken but he has hanged hundreds of people in his lifetime; he claims to be a "hop on" a spirit who saw what was being done to the host and joined the soul group to protect the little girl from the abusive father, his soul mission, he believes; he is stuck with the body now until it passes, even though he is not technically needed now, so he's only come out once to front. He says he's guarding a prisoner inside of me, who might be dangerous should he let her out, she's capable of doing a fair bit of damage. Hmm, who can say? I will have to take his word. I've seen this little girl/monster. She's into knives. So, yeah. I'm glad he's stuck on duty.

One male part is The Professor. He is young, and a scientist. However, his age changes; sometimes he appears older, when viewed from the younger parts.

In one dream, the parts are sleeping in the headspace terrain. I see two teen girls, who did not know each other before, actually meet. They are from two different branches of the headspace, you see. I have at least two or three, and they don't mix much. One of the two young women is sexually attracted to the new woman. She is teenage, maybe 19. So is this other one. This guest is not particularly into women, but is I guess Bi curious, just open to attention in general and appears to be a virgin? They decide to have at it while the other alters are sleeping. The Professor is watching this and is very attracted to the new girl, too. He's very lonely and wishes she were into him, but they are neither of them into a man, and he's very dismayed. He watches them kissing and thinks this might be his consolation prize, to get to watch, but it only makes him feel more sad and lonely, so he goes away, leaving the lovers to their bliss. I don't see the rest, since apparently, in the dream, I was only seeing through his eyes, which is interesting, since that was NOT obvious to me, as I was "dreaming" this. When he shuts his eyes to go to sleep, that "dream" is over, and I am in the 'nothing' space/dark transition to regular dreams, I guess.

So, while awake, I have experienced sudden, random out of nowhere feelings of attraction to a stranger/woman and I (host) am a very hetero-monog-woman. It is very rare, like maybe twice that I can think of ever, but I'm sure there could be times I'm not aware of. I am with a man long-term. I accept it comes from this particular alter. I don't feel ashamed of it, and after the woman passed by, I told my guy, "Wow, I would have sex with her" (and the funny thing is, that I (as host) never knew what specifically the alter found particularly attractive in the other woman, but the lust was definitely there only more overall, not as just sex, more attracted to her as person, too, I guess in the same way the host, me, was attracted to my guy, I didn't want a one-night stand, I wanted a relationship. She is the same way, but towards females.

He usually takes this as sort of funny, but I assure him that I'm not joking, and he knows about this alter. He is not threatened by this, as I guess it would be if I was speaking about another male. But, whatever, this is real things happening inside of me. Within DID, I have noted that outsiders do NOT know how to understand the DID person's world and experiences, like at all. It is so "random" to them. It can feel very chaotic at times. To me, I feel a lot of empathy for people because really I have probably felt whatever it is they are feeling. It seems to be fairly well represented inside. I guess not everything, but you get the idea, more than one person in there, and I've had to be more open to diversity within just to handle what's always coming up and not just deny it.

She is not around much. I (as host) would never act on this, given a choice, as I'm in a monogamous relationship. But, I do not feel my alter is wrong for feeling as she does, only that I cannot understand what that would be like. I don't know what to make of alters having sex with each other. This tells me that they have a whole life and world and relationships inside, from worshiping each other's eating disorders to f*cking each other to feeling jealous of those f*cks, and I know they hide things from me a lot, and I know actually very little.

I have an alter that wants to be choked during sex, and I will feel that I'd like that to be happening, and yet, me, the host, I do not recall ever wanting or liking things like that at all in my life. This happens at random. Suddenly, I want to be choked and feel sad at missing out on this. I know this is passive influence. I know I have DID, so I don't "feel ashamed" of this. I know it's coming from "someone" inside, and I simply feel sad that I have people inside me not getting their needs met. They are like "part-time people" so they don't get to live the life I'm living. This makes me feel terrible. Guilty, even. I would say guilt. And if I ask for this, then it feels awkward, cause it's not for "me" it's for "her" and she's not actually out front. So, I'm just feeling her feelings, and it gets confusing. So I quietly acknowledge her feelings inwardly and outwardly do nothing about them.

I (as hostess) clearly am NOT in control of what they feel. And they can see through me, and control what I feel, briefly, or for days, if they so choose. Heck, maybe they have hijacked the body and I was none the wiser. I would not know. How I find out their wants and feelings is by actually feeling their feelings, as in lust for a woman, or wanting to be choked. These after seeing things in the headspace or flashbacks or false memories that I can't explain that match these desires and go with an alter, who I do not have a name for. Not all have names.

I am not in communication as I would like to be; and what has been shared after the fact RE: past hijacks, is not being believed by those outside the system (That's not possible, etc.). I did not wake up in the middle of the street. If hijacks happened, they were done really well. Only two clothing items in my room indicate that there could have been lost time: (one not belonging to me or anyone else in the house that was on top of the laundry in the AM) and one dress that was in a wad at the bottom of the closet that was hung up previously and never worn but now made me feel sick and had to be thrown away immediately. There are flashbacks that correspond to both clothing items, both are traumatic to the host and the host could see why the alter would keep it secret in order to maintain a life the host would not have allowed. There are things that I DO judge as wrong or that I just would not do because for me I have made other choices. The alter might not feel that way, might see me as "unreasonable and in the way of her fun." Thus, like a teenager, she might "sneak out."

I have DID and cannot just ask for things (Hey, what's your name? Tell me about ____) I get nothing from them mostly. Maybe I should buy a Ouija Board. ;)

But, I am learning to respect the power of whatever is in there. I have taken some shit for "letting them" do some things, but if people knew what it's like or all the stories (There's way too many) then they should back the F off, since I have little desire to piss off those in there. I'm inclined to be accommodating. After all, I am probably out the most at their generous vote. I could be voted off the stage, so I am probably out because I am nice to them and listen to them. If I stop, I won't like the consequences, I'm guessing. In other words, do I really have a choice? That is not really a question I could answer. For one thing, I'm not the only one here to try to answer.

When one stops to consider "healthy boundaries." Well, shit, I had no experience of that growing up, did I? Would I have DID if I did?

Number 2, I have DID, so like, How the hell am I as a fraction of a person, who does not speak for the group, having boundaries with them, and then with outsiders? It's a real complex equation. Depends on a lot of things. My boundaries seem to change depending on which insiders are near the front, how they are feeling, and how outsiders are making the insiders feel. That is like a chem set being shaken up too much if you ask me. Sometimes I can stand almost nothing from nobody and take no prisoners. Other days, I am so easygoing.

Dreams are just as chaotic, but they are revealing. I have learned the most about my traumas and the insiders from the dreams. They are active at night, esp. around 2-3 am. I wake often around 2-3:30 having seen and heard them, or seen their memories. That seems to be "their time" to control the headspace.

The one thing they all say is that we are all trying to "learn how to love."

Well, ain't that nice?
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
Interesting. I didn't interpret what was said as that at all. *shrug*

I know at least two of my insiders dream. It's been interesting; I have been coconscious with one of them while she was dreaming, which felt both very weird and really cool at the same time.

I also learn a lot from many of my dreams. It's like I am engaging with the inside environment when I'm asleep.
I didn't interpret that as homophobic either.
 

Powder

MyPTSD Pro
A true homophobe would never admit to such a dream, it would seem. However, a fully comfortable-with-everything person would not feel the need to label things the dream if they didn't come with labels in any way or qualify it in any terms. Being in between and labeling, reacting, or commentating would probably be a "normal" thing to do afterwards for any number of reasons, just as one grapples with the cognitive dissonance and perhaps fears. How it's felt when experienced is one thing, written still another; how it's intended for the audience, is another. And, how it's read by the audience, is another. I suppose it would have to be the message itself that would "be homophobic" because it depends on at which level: the experience, the reflection, the writing for an audience, or the audience's reading of it that the "fear" entered in. And that phrase implies a sense of deliberate lashing out due to that fear, like bullying, but maybe there is sometimes just fear of the unknown, especially within the self. These never really get back to the experience, visceral, in itself. The moment one tries to recapture an experience, it's gone. All you have is the memory, an abstraction of it. And within that abstraction, trying to know the self. Very difficult to do. I'm inclined to be gentle with people experiencing such things. It is not easy and it takes courage to share here.

Dreams are not us, but they reveal things in the subconscious that are hints of what could be us. I think that scares us. They may represent our potential but that doesn't mean we ever become that. I certainly could have been a physician according to my IQ tests and grades, but I won't be performing surgery anytime soon, since I did not go to med school.

To me, it's sad that within PTSD and related trauma disorders, trauma flashbacks come unwanted, feel so "now," affect so deeply.

By contrast, good memories are so back then, so lost, so "Nevermore." (T said I seem haunted. "Um. Thanks, is that one of the DSM criteria? Or is that just Chronic, not Pot, the PTSD?")

Why is it that good memories fly away when you chase them, like birds? Maybe because the people in them have already died? Maybe because you know you just have to keep moving in to the future, which is itself scary? Maybe because there is within PTSD an avoidance of all memories of the past for fear of triggers, so everything is dulled out for you?

PTSD be like: "Don't Feel Anything! Now, isn't that better, girl?"
Me: No, I want to feel good about good stuff tho.
PTSD: Oh, wait, flashback coming. Now, you gonna feel that. Sorry!
Me: After the wanting to die passes, I will kick your M*****f*****ss!
PTSD: Well, good luck with that. See you around.

I actually found that making friends with this bitch kinda helped because letting the flashbacks come and not fighting it and avoiding stuff did help, as Anthony said elsewhere on the site. It sucked for a long time, but the PTSD is better. Now, the DID that's another story.
 
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