Those things can and do hurt for sure. Tough things to work with and deal with. But, working through those things could be a part of growth and healing.
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General Does a 'sufferer' needs a 'supporter'?
- Post starter America15
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MrMoonlight
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@Buttercup I'm trying so hard to get in touch with things but between feeling upside down or numb or lost it's tough. I hope to grow and have some sort of healing.. Knowing myself, triggers, finding tools and understanding.. Having the ability to open myself to calm, earthbound relationships is important to me. Finding someone or getting to that place seems almost impossible and futile.
A form of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. It tough for me to expect different results from relationships. Mine have all ended in terror, abuse and heartbreak.
A form of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. It tough for me to expect different results from relationships. Mine have all ended in terror, abuse and heartbreak.
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Well one thing is for sure, it's definitely a good and insightful thing that you are aware of your personal limitations and what that would mean to a person in a relationship with you. That is huge in and of itself, imo.
To me unconditional love is not connected to expecting a certain, or any, response or feedback, or it really isn't unconditional, I think?
Relationships can, or should, have conditions, but mutual love and care helps too.
Accepting abuse is not a loving act, because if they ever get better it will lead to guilt for them.
JMHO.
Relationships can, or should, have conditions, but mutual love and care helps too.
Accepting abuse is not a loving act, because if they ever get better it will lead to guilt for them.
JMHO.
@Buttercup and @Junebug
I think we mean the same thing, but maybe have different interpretations of the term "unconditional love"? I think there's a difference between loving someone for who they are and unconditional love. The first is loving someone in full acceptance of who they are, but with conditions, because who they are may change, reveal itself, or become untenable, which means we have to make a choice about continuing to love and support that person. In that sense, we can still love that person, but not be with them, try and negotiate with that person to perhaps change the outcome (I think that's what many supporters are conflicted about,) or leave because conditions aren't met.
Unconditional love doesn't see those variables, it's unconditional because come what may, abuse or not, hurt or not, we love that person and support them no matter what. That's what I find dangerous in relationships, or rather, what catches my attention when I see someone IRL or on here advocating for.
But maybe we're all actually agreeing and I'm just a little confused today :sleep:
I think we mean the same thing, but maybe have different interpretations of the term "unconditional love"? I think there's a difference between loving someone for who they are and unconditional love. The first is loving someone in full acceptance of who they are, but with conditions, because who they are may change, reveal itself, or become untenable, which means we have to make a choice about continuing to love and support that person. In that sense, we can still love that person, but not be with them, try and negotiate with that person to perhaps change the outcome (I think that's what many supporters are conflicted about,) or leave because conditions aren't met.
Unconditional love doesn't see those variables, it's unconditional because come what may, abuse or not, hurt or not, we love that person and support them no matter what. That's what I find dangerous in relationships, or rather, what catches my attention when I see someone IRL or on here advocating for.
But maybe we're all actually agreeing and I'm just a little confused today :sleep:
Haha @Hojay same! Confusing. But I think you may be right. We seem to be all on the same page with different definitions of what unconditional love means, but more or less agree on what loving someone should mean to us. At least I think so???:confused:
Yes, yes, and yes!
Yes, yes, and yes!
It depends on what is meant by a supporter. I have quite a few supporters but they aren't my partners. They don't worry if I need time and space to myself. Sometimes a sufferer just needs time and space without being wrapped up in the expectations of anyone else. In a permanent relationship it can be next to impossible for sufferers to get this type of time for themselves and I believe it is very important to have when healing.
Lionheart
Not Active
Hi, I am replying to this thread because I have a bit of info that may possibly be helpful for you and your significant other... There is a paperback book called "Struggle for Intimacy" by Janet Woititz that may be helpful to you both in regards to relationships.
Although the book is geared towards adult children who grew up in alcoholic families, it was instrumental for me in helping me to learn what a Healthy Relationship is and how to have one. Information that sometimes many of us, including trauma sufferers, do not have.
It runs around $7-8 per copy and I personally think just about everyone could benefit from giving it a read through. It made a difference in the way I perceive my relationships to intimate others.
The following is a quote about the book...
" Janet Woititz, mother of the recovery movement, sensitively addresses the barriers of trust and intimacy that children learn in an alcoholic family. She provides suggestions for building loving relationships with friends, partners, and spouses"
Perhaps you could purchase a copy for yourself, see what you think and maybe give a copy to your S.O.
I think we all need love, understanding and support but sometimes we are not ready to receive it. Along with individual therapy, this book helped me to heal my intimate relationships... I hope it will help you both to grow, individually and together.
My best to you,
Lionheart777
Although the book is geared towards adult children who grew up in alcoholic families, it was instrumental for me in helping me to learn what a Healthy Relationship is and how to have one. Information that sometimes many of us, including trauma sufferers, do not have.
It runs around $7-8 per copy and I personally think just about everyone could benefit from giving it a read through. It made a difference in the way I perceive my relationships to intimate others.
The following is a quote about the book...
" Janet Woititz, mother of the recovery movement, sensitively addresses the barriers of trust and intimacy that children learn in an alcoholic family. She provides suggestions for building loving relationships with friends, partners, and spouses"
Perhaps you could purchase a copy for yourself, see what you think and maybe give a copy to your S.O.
I think we all need love, understanding and support but sometimes we are not ready to receive it. Along with individual therapy, this book helped me to heal my intimate relationships... I hope it will help you both to grow, individually and together.
My best to you,
Lionheart777
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