Does anybody have bad experiences with alcoholic anonymous?

[Cerulean Synapses]

Hi my friends. I have been AA for 2 and half years. Then decided to leave it. I currently suffer from nightmares of Shame and Guilt and Anger. This is already on top of my PTSD and other mental illnesses.
I used to self medicate to try to numb my symptoms of PTSD. But I don't do that anymore and I am 2 and half years sober.

Anyway, this has nothing to do with my post. It started when a Sexual Predator started hitting on newcomers taking them home and have relations with them. Then I had my three sick sponsors who were sicker than I was work the steps with me. That's what messed me up the most. I had one sponsor tell me that I didn't have a mental illness and should not be disabled and said I had to work and told me to produce a resume in which she was very critical of when I showed her. And she was very invasive about my sexual identification. She had me write for eons about that. On my fifth step she wanted to hear it when I wanted to bring it to my therapist. But I guess I was manipulated to tell her. It didn't open any doors when I was sharing with her and she lost my trust entirely when she said my I had a part with my molester and abusive fiancée and had to do an amend by letter or face to face and had to apologize for my mental illness.

Anyway after all my steps were done she would want me to call her every day. How did I stay sober I often wonder because as soon as I was done with my fifth step I went to the mental hospital for a mental break down and then again with doing my 8th step I soon fired her and wished her well.

My second sponsor was much better as she was dual diagnosis too. But then said I was a drug addicted after we did all the steps and I needed to go to NA. And we started doing the NA steps and I told her I couldn't do this anymore so we parted ways because I am a recovered alcoholic not a drug addict. I never abused my pills and I have medical Marijuana for Cervical Dystonia and ptsd.

My third sponsor I liked but again calling not good at that don't people know what social anxiety is and this was when I was noticing the gossip and the judging of me having to take pills and addictive ones to for my Cervical Dystonia and General Dystonia later. Everyone wanted to be my doctor or thought they knew what they were talking about. They know nothing of this disease because 1 in 60000 people get this. It's on the rare diseases site. It's when I made up my mind to be self empowering. Then while my husband was at the doctors office in LA to try to get a wrist surgery consultation, my sponsor I have not called me and said I needed to humble myself to call her and what went on in that conversation totally made my mind up that AA was dead to me. That it was a rhetoric that she was shouting at me about how I will die if I don't attend meetings regularly. And that was far from the truth. Today I have no cravings I will drink I know why I did it and I can do this forever.

Here's my question have any of you with dual diagnosis have these difficulties? Please share.

 

[Jamef]

AA f*cked me up royally. I thought all these years later maybe they would be better with dual diagnosis. It is actually part of my trauma.

 

[Nona]

AA Isn't for me either. I refuse to give God credit for my sobriety.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways." "It's God's will."
Those are a couple of excuses I've been told regarding the incidents that brought me to where I am in life now. A life sentence of PTSD, because of "God's will". Yet I'm supposed to be grateful for his doing nothing to stop me drinking?

If God is so keen to slaughter children. He can take credit for that. But that's not an acceptable line of thinking for many people.

After that happened I started drinking too much. God didn't make me pick up the bottle, that's on me. I don't get blame God for that.
Nor did God help me put it down. He doesn't deserve credit for that. That was me.

Thus, AA Isn't for me. I didn't need it then. I don't need it now

You are not the first person I've heard of that has had terrible "sponsors".
Good for you, not letting them drag you off the wagon.

 

[Esakew]

Any of the twelve step followships send me into a tale spin. Can't do it. My life philosophy is different. SA was the worse. Sent me into months of really dangerous behavior after I got triggered with someone inappropriately sharing. Find your own path. It's worked best for me.

 

[Fefe]

I went to NA almost 20 years ago when I tried to drown my ptsd nightmares and flashbacks with pills. I found it to be almost cult like in its nature and followers. I was also told not to take my meds, to believe in a god I wasn't sure existed and put into positions I wasn't comfortable in. After a year I left. I never abused pills again. My T called it a situational addiction.
I don't think 12 step programs are the answer for many people. From what I've read people don't have a high rate of success

http://www.npr.org/2014/03/23/291405829/with-sobering-science-doctor-debunks-12-step-recovery

Personally, I'm not a fan.

 

[Necu]

I visited a few meetings during my desperate times of seeking answers and help, but my gut feelings of the interactions I observed, the room full of cigarette smoke, the lingering smell of coffee, and the sickening heavy religious aspects were enough to realize I had landed in a space that would be anything but beneficial to me, especially based on my past life experiences. I really like how Nona expressed it above. I also worked with several folks who were significantly damaged by their attempts to work their way through it.

 

[Cerulean Synapses]

AA Isn't for me either. I refuse to give God credit for my sobriety.

"The Lord works in mysterious ways." "It's God's w...

Thanks I needed some self empowering ways especially since my sponsors started telling me that my ptsd and Cervical Dystonia is gods mysterious works so I can help others with similar problems in a selfish way to keep my sobriety. Bollocks. It's all me and my doing for my sobriety. Even though I am Wiccan I don't think my goddess would want to take credit for that.

 

[Cerulean Synapses]

AA f*cked me up royally. I thought all these years later maybe they would be better with dual diagnosis. It is actually...

It's part of mine too. I can't believe that it even runs addiction clinics too. It is deplorable. I use SMART recovery.

 

[Dada]

I was in AA and NA for many years.... I guess I just learned to not bring my 'crazy' to the table... I attended meetings for over 10 years, but was also diagnosed with PTSD about that time.... it did help me build a foundation... it did help me to get a 'higher power', and I have been clean and sober for almost 33 years....
I stopped going simply because I was burned out from being a sponsor myself.... because I didn't always sponsor in the way that you described... I was more inventive and was always careful not to add shame and guilt to already over burdened women.... but I read a lot, and mean a lot,of self help during that time too.... learned to not discuss this with my sponsor as it was not AA, OR NA....
And you are correct that there are many sick people, who need therapy themselves, that latch onto the groups and it can seem 'cultish'. But I feel the same way about organized religion... so, guess if it's not what we need or can relate to, we need to find other ways.... I have always said 12 steps is not for everyone.... it was for me, because it made sense... and I instinctively knew to not bring up any of my 'symptoms'. with my sponsor,,, she was very old school AA. I did learn a lot from her, so no regrets for staying all those years.... and of course when I left, the rumor mill started... I must have used or drank.... no, I had a foundation and was ready to go further with my recovery....

Sponsors now a days go into very sensitive issues they are not qualified to help with.... they are not counselors or therapists.... but I did have a lot to learn about how to stay sober, and did many 4th and 5th steps about certain situations or issues I had... and it did help to teach me to take responsibility for myself...

It makes me sad to hear how things have changed and that you each had bad experiences.... but I do see each of you as very strong to know that is not what you needed..... and got out before further damage was done....doesn't help our trust issues does it !!!

And I saw a lot of things that I had no control over going on.... the men or women latching onto a newcomer and heaven only knows the damage that was done.... all I can say is... it used to be a wonderful organization to help us help our self....but it's changed a lot....

So am very happy to see you all here... Had this forum been around thirty odd years ago.... I would have been here....

Hope all of you find what you need here and it helps with your healing.... and what ever other resources you use..... we have PTSD , no one really understands us like another person with PTSD..... thank you all for sharing... will be adding to my gratitude list that I did not have to go thru what you all did.... glad you are here.

 

[Zeta]

I did AA but I also added SMART Recovery early on and shifted to that for relapse prevention. I did have some incidents but it did what it was supposed to do arrest the alcoholism and lead me to a different way to think about things (both organizations) that was more beneficial.