Does Anyone Else Feel Like An Outsider In Chit Chat?

[Meadowsweet]

I sometimes make myself join in on something. I tell myself off for being unsociable and give it a go.

But i do feel like an outsider because I don't do it often enough.

But I don't do it because I find the threads in chitchat very difficult to relate to. But I see it like I'm looking through a window. I see lots of lovely people offering lighthearted emotional support to each other. And I assume that it works for people who get involved with it.

But I don't think that others will reject me. I think I just accept that it isn't a place I can fit, because I'm not like that. I'm on planet meadowsweet and planet chitchat is like a foreign place where the language and culture is very different to the language I speak.

The language of chitchat I think is something that I would like someone to show me, because I do feel like I'm missing something.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think that's why it feels easier to join in a "serious" thread. They have a function and a comprehensible structure, ethos and style. The light-hearted bits are more of a mystery to me, and carry more of risk of treading on someone's toes or not following the conventions of the "in-crowd". I constantly expect that uncomfortable silence that makes you realise that you've tried to join the banter but dropped a huge clanger instead.

Exactly.

This is why I can go out in public and fake it with the best of them. I have no problem interacting with sales people at a department store, the cashier at the grocery store, the teller at the bank, my adviser at school...because it's ALL scripted. Long/short, I CAN'T fake it. There is no faking it till I make it. I've only told one person this (my dad), but from the day my sister became engaged, I was terrified of missing her big day. She was engaged for a year and a half. That's like 500 days of incredible fear that not only will I miss one of the happiest days of my sister's life thus far, but that if I did miss out of the wedding then everyone would wonder where I was as the sister of the bride. Well that was until I found out that my sister told nobody that I even existed, but that's another issue for another day. Ok I'm gonna stop now before I go off on tangent.

 

[Hashi]

I think when we've had wounding experiences of rejection in the past, it's hard to get over that. You had a horrible experience with your sister's wedding, and maybe other things too. So you're probably more likely to feel rejected in other situations, and to take that very hard.

For any of us, sometimes we might say something in a post and no-one picks it up, even the most sociable of posters. It doesn't mean we're pathetic, or outsiders. It means nothing more than we said something and no-one picked it up. But if we're vulnerable it can feel really bad. That's understandable, but it means you can be seeing rejection that isn't there. Or isn't significant.

ScaredofLonely, have you ever done any CBT? I think this is where CBT comes into it's own, helping us get past all or nothing thinking (eg I wasn't wonderful so that means I'm terrible) so we can gradually take little risks and build up confidence.

It took me a long time and a lot of small steps to go from a childhood where I hid in a classroom every breaktime to avoid the humiliation of standing alone at the edge of the playground, to get to a point of having friends and being able to chit chat with acquaintances. I still have lack of success sometimes. In my last job, I just couldn't seem to fit in with my colleagues and the whole time there I felt like a little green being with one big eye in the middle of my forehead. That can happen and it isn't nice but other times things go well. It isn't all or nothing.

 

[Tanishq]

I think when we've had wounding experiences of rejection in the past, it's hard to get over that. You had a horrible experience with your sister's wedding, and maybe other things too. So you're probably more likely to feel rejected in other situations, and to take that very hard.

+1.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes I've done CBT and is obvious here, I am a failure at that or else I would have friends.

Eta I'm gonna leave the forum for awhile. Venturing into chit chat made me realize I'm not really healing, I'm not getting any better. I'm still the pathetic person with PTSD from four years ago when I was diagnosed and lost all my friends. If I'm not any better, how can I possibly give anyone advice? It would've reckless Of me, dontcha think? The blind leading the blind...

 

[Tanishq]

Scaredoflonely, if you ever need any help. I think still you will be welcomed warmly at this forum.

 

[Shellbell]

ScaredOfLonely, I've seen some of your posts on other threads and you do make a positive contribution. You do help people. I think you have a lot more to offer than you think.

Hugs (((ScaredOfLonely)))

 

[Trembling]

ScaredOfLonely!

Are you realizing that one simple sentence you write is effecting our lives already?!
We read, we reply, we suck in the information you give us about your emotions, you are in the middle of a chitchat and you are not alone!

Hugs

 

[NarcSis]

I'm not good at small talk, real or online. It took a lot of courage for me to accept that it's not up to me to make others like me, they either will or they won't.

I don't have to get along with everyone. I don't have to try to be what others want me to be. I don't have to talk to people if I don't want to. It's just how I am and those who accept me for how I am just learn to deal with it.

The good thing about this forum is that you can express your opinion without anyone cutting you off - its written, you can express yourself freely.

Mood effects how we look at things, it sounds to me that you are currently depressed and upset. No worries, you are allowed to be.

Take some time to work on your mood and try again at a later date. We're always here for you.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Are you realizing that one simple sentence you write is effecting our lives already?!
We read, we reply, we suck in the information you give us about your emotions, you are in the middle of a chitchat and you are not alone!

Trembling, you are so NOT a witch! I demand...ok, ok, politely request that you change your status from "the witch" to something nicer! That is, unless you're like Glenda the good witch, then you're good, lol.

Very on point...And much appreciated. I think I shall try to venture into another thread!

 

[Tinyflame]

SoL, I always like to hear what you say and admire you're not afraid to say it. I hope you keep posting! :tup:

PS, a good friend here on the forum told me the feeling of 'not belonging' is actually low-grade panic. By pushing through it can get better. Even realizing it explains why we draw many of the conclusions about ourselves that I think many of us do.

Not sure if that is helpful but I fail to see anything wrong with your ability to express yourself and make many many friends. :) Maybe you are just selective to the friends you choose, ones who can understand where you have been, where you are and your healing.

 

[Trembling]

SOL - ;) Good morning smile for you, and I took your comment and changed!

Good luck!