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Does anyone go in and out of denial?

All. The. Time.
And like Freida.....I've lost count of how many times I've said to my T

"You don't KNOW that this is all real. There is way too much that I've not been able to remember. Maybe I'm just better at telling stories than you are detecting lies. Maybe I'm just a really good liar and you can't tell.
(I'm not, I'm actually a HORRIBLE liar. My face, nor my conscience will cooperate and he knows it) Maybe I'm unconsciously making this all up because I'm overdramatic and want attention"

If Freida had said "He" instead of "She" I'd have said it sounds like we're seeing the exact same person. He keeps telling the same thing Freida's T does.....That he's been doing this for a very very long time and that' he's good at it. And keeps assuring me that despite what little I've verbally shared with him about it yet, my behavior/issues/triggers, ect are all very much consistent with what one would expect to see in someone with my trauma, even if I keep trying to fuel the denial part. That my behavior tells him more than I realize. He keeps telling me it's all normal. That my behavior is normal. That accepting it and then denying it again, back and forth over and over, is expected. Normal with this kind of thing.

I don't feel normal.
 
It's strange how everyone is describing exactly how I feel and what I say to my therapist all the time. Definitely seems like part of the process and maybe the brain gets scared when we share things so has to protect itself a bit then feel safe to share another little thing then protects itself again by dissociating and feeling less real and causing doubt.
 
I verbalised my trauma for what is actually was to my therapist because I wanted to push myself to acknowledge it. I didn't end up well for me. This week it feels so very distant from me. It's as if it doesn't belong to me. I still get flashbacks but feel disconnected. Is this just part how it all works?
Definitely think this is normal. I bounce all over and think I must have made it up or that I'm exaggerating etc. Or I just disassociate and it feels like something way out there from a movie I once saw but doesn't belong to me.

My T always says that we work with what are brain is giving us. It doesn't matter how factual it is even. It's there and we need to deal with it. Now, there are parts that really do matter to me because if I know for sure then it would change some of my relationships drastically. But..I may never know. But not trusting ourselves seems to be common.
 
Yes, I'd say it's definitely a normal experience.
Just to add my experiences, I've gone so long (particularly because I was told by my abusers that my experiences were normal) assuming that I haven't actually gone through anything worth 'complaining' about - that I've forgotten/don't assign much weight to most events. Cue me then telling a side story to give my therapist a better picture of some time frame/person of interest and she has to start down the trauma processing verbage as she get's me to realize my little fun story time was yet another moment I was not safe and traumatized🫠

I find it happening more often now that I've gotten a bit more confident and comfortable with friends - a simple little anecdote about my past leads to them giving me the 😨 look, and I know I've got something to add to the list of things to go over in therapy lol .
 
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