Does Complex Trauma Mean I Am A Target For Nasty People?

[Sethe]

Yes! I agree with several of the comments here... especially the one about predators. They know. They can sense low self esteem, naivety, innocence, good intentions and they eat it FOR LUNCH.

My ex husband was (probably still is) a predator. I was amazingly naive when I met him (thank my overprotective family). I also expected to be abused, though I think this was subconscious. If I went into that relationship thinking, 'Hmm, I really hope he abuses the hell out of me, talks down to me, treats my body like an object, etc. That should be fun.' then I would have NEVER done it.

I went into that relationship partially because I thought I finally found someone who would love me and who would 'rescue' me from my family. I hate admitting that. But, he saw that he could prey upon me and prey upon me he did.

It has taken me years to even recognize this and part of me gets stuck beating the crap out of myself for it. I'm still coming to terms with my familial abuse. My T has referred to my family life as 'cult-like', which scares me a bit. I guess it was that bad.

Anyway, I'm getting long-winded here, but I agree that MOST people who have some sort of complex trauma are likely candidates for repeated abuse. I don't have statistics, I have my experience and the experience of others who have shared with me.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I went into that relationship partially because I thought I finally found someone who would love me and who would 'rescue' me from my family. I hate admitting that. But, he saw that he could prey upon me and prey upon me he did.

Anyway, I'm getting long-winded here, but I agree that MOST people who have some sort of complex trauma are likely candidates for repeated abuse. I don't have statistics, I have my experience and the experience of others who have shared with me.

So like my story. I wanted someone to love me and protect me from my family. I thought I found that, but realise I have thought so little of myself that I let him abuse and control me. And I am now beating myself up for not realising and doing something about it.

It is so sad that there are so many of us with complex trauma from families that then go onto further trauma from the person they thought would protect them.

Wouldn't it be good if kids with or who are likely candidates of complex trauma were recognised early on in school or college and that steps were taken to help them before they get themselves into another toxic relationship. Wouldn't that be good to stop the cycle in its tracks.

 

[Sethe]

I don't have a lot of faith in the school systems. Anyway, a lot of people who come from abusive homes tend to be a little on the 'brainwashed' side or just plain scared of 'telling' on their abusers.

Our recognition of the situation can be incredibly empowering for us and our children.

We're aware of the unhealthy behavior and have the power to stop the cycle from continuing into the next generation. I don't know why we're aware of it, but we are.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Cripes. Yes. It is because I feel SOOOO badly about human suffering that I tend to be there and listen to people who need help. So they flock.

 

[anni]

I'd need someone to set me straight on types of trauma but yes, have the same nonsense although do seem to deal with it better than those with complex traumas I am sure because of a non-fractured childhood. Still attract bullies, still flattens me horribly- can sometimes battle it although results make neuro system poof. Something in long term domestic abuse, I think, self esteem stuff. Must be a teeny something to do with inate personalities involved also- have always thought this. There's an indefinable 'nice' which just doesn't help when these horrible people cut their prey from the pack, that's all. I'm seeing it here-have felt it as an element however lacking 'nice' might be in the professional books. SO not saying this is all of it- like the half teaspoon of vanilla in an entire recipe, that's all.

Hate seeing all this pain, but lovely to see people not alone and finding some peace because of that also. Hate also to sound cold but think reasoning why bullies are the way they are can be left to their therapists. Most know right from wrong, and we have enough to deal with for the moment figuring out the healing bits from what they've done.

 

[Tiger Kitten]

I too am a weirdo magnet. I've spent most of my life in one bad relationship or another. People have used and abused me.

I'm done with that part of my life now. Now if someone does something that hurts or bothers me I walk away. I refuse to be treated as less then human. People still try to leech onto me, but the difference is... one red flag and I'm outta there. I've developed the "poof be gone" tactic. You hurt my feelings... you no longer exist to me. You try to manipulate me in any way... you no longer exist to me. I think the key to that is to not let people get close to you until you have watched them interact with other people. You also have to remember that you don't have to answer the phone. You don't have to speak to people that you don't want to speak to. You have the power to control who you interact with.

Developing a self protection strategy is difficult, but it can be done. I find it difficult to say no to people. So when I can't say no... I stare at them until they get the point. It seems to work quite well. The only thing that I still struggle with is remembering that it's not my job to fix anyone else. It's my job to take care of myself. It's not being selfish. It's not being cold hearted or un-compassionate. It's keeping myself safe.

Tiger

 

[Nicolette]

"We attract what we think"......complex PTSD is ingrained negative thinking, low self esteem & a learned acceptance of abuse. It takes a change in mindset and self worth which will change the people who you attract. It can be done. It is however more difficult for those with complex PTSD.

 

[Queen Boudica]

"We attract what we think"......complex PTSD is ingrained negative thinking, low self esteem & a learned acceptance of abuse. It takes a change in mindset and self worth which will change the people who you attract..

Thankyou Nicolette.

I'ts amazing. I was just thinking about the same thing this morning and you've confirmed what I have been thinking.

And it is my thinking that has been the problem.

My experiences as a child, made me want to be the exact opposite of my mother:

I have to be nice all the time. I have to never hurt anyone's feelings. It is always my fault in some way. It is never their fault because I always come up with excuses for them (like my mother's terrible childhood, excuses her behaviour). It's fine for them to treat me badly as long as they don't get hurt. I'm not important.

If I even remotely behave like my mother, like getting angry and shouting or any kind of conflict then that is the worst thing in the World. I am the most terrible person and deserve to be punished. I hate myself.

And I have never learnt how to be in between the two states. There is either freeze or explode, mostly freeze. But being in an environment where I have kids I am being triggered by loads of stuff. I am just so overloaded that I am exploding much more and that is terrifying me because I am so terrified of being my mother and that is making me even worse. It is like a vicious cycle that never ends.

And I can see how this thinking is so deeply ingrained into me. It is who I am that that could take a lot of work to change. It is like I have been programmed all wrong and I need to go back and try and rewrite some of it to make me functional.

Now I understand what I have to work with.

I'm sure there is much more but it's a start.

 

[Sethe]

This is an interesting thread. I like it.

I can relate with A LOT of what you said Lizio.

I do not want to be like my parents- I also want to be the opposite of them. I am overwhelmingly conscious of every little thing that I say or do that could possibly hurt another person (probably too aware). I make an effort to communicate with my bf. So far, I'm light years ahead of my parents.

I feel immense shame whenever I am angry. I try to hide any rage I have. I'm not sure if my shame is due to fear of mimicking my father's 'explosions' or my mother's scathing condemnation of his behavior and 'mentally ill' family.

Who knows?

I am also very 'one strike and you're out' like TigerK. I once dated a man with bad, baaaad anger issues that I was exposed to one day in a very terrifying way. The next day I broke up with him. He reminded me too much of my father. I am glad I had the strength to stand up to him and eject him from my life.

I think several of us are transitioning into a new way of thinking. We're learning to respect ourselves, even if we were surrounded by people who did not.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I am also very 'one strike and you're out' like TigerK. I once dated a man with bad, baaaad anger issues that I was exposed to one day in a very terrifying way. The next day I broke up with him. He reminded me too much of my father. I am glad I had the strength to stand up to him and eject him from my life.
.

I think that is one of my problems. The one strike and your out thing just seems so alien to me. The sympathising and being compassionate and finding a reason to excuse and blame myself is just so inbuilt. I would have probably found a reason to blame myself for when the boyfriend exploded.

I do get to that state of "you are out" but that is what I did with my sister and now I have the guilt that she is dead and I never went to see her when she was asking me to reconcile. And I have done that with my mother, but I know she is now 84 and suffering and that is plaguing me at the back of my mind, killing me again.

So that is a very hard one for me to ever contemplate. I always have to give people chances even when it is patently obvious that they are abusing me. So hard............

 

[Sethe]

I think that is one of my problems. The one strike and your out thing just seems so alien to me. The sympathising and being compassionate and finding a reason to excuse and blame myself is just so inbuilt. I would have probably found a reason to blame myself for when the boyfriend exploded.

I do get to that state of "you are out" but that is what I did with my sister and now I have the guilt that she is dead and I never went to see her when she was asking me to reconcile. And I have done that with my mother, but I know she is now 84 and suffering and that is plaguing me at the back of my mind, killing me again.

So that is a very hard one for me to ever contemplate. I always have to give people chances even when it is patently obvious that they are abusing me. So hard............

It took me YEARS to get to that point. I did start going to a group T kind of thing which helped me in some ways. My current T helps me immensely. I think I'm also ready to investigate that part of my life and come to terms with it on a deeper level.

I'm really sorry about your sister. Remember the only person you're really in charge of (unless you have kids/pets) is yourself.

[comforting pats]

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thankyou so much folks.

I think I have got things much straighter in my head.

I need to keep that way until Tuesday when I have my first marriage counselling session.

I've worked out what I need to say and I aint accepting any more abuse from my husband. I am going to tell him exactly what he has done and where he stands now.

I need to look after myself and he needs to get himself help for the sake of our kids.

I don't think he loves me at all, just likes the idea of controlling me. I'm not going to put up with that anymore.